Title: It isn´t always the way it seems
(Mirrors)
Author: Aingeal / Alex. Berger / Sired Passion
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of "BtVS" and "Angel", nor do I own any rights to the television shows "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel". They were created by Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network,... I own nothing! (Hey,do you think I could be so mean to them?!) So nobody sue!
Couple: "Buffy"/"Riley" ... (B/A)
Spoilers: Everything and nothing - makes sense?
Rating: ? - bad words
Thanks to:
Feedback: Yes please, but be nice!
Author's Note: You´ll hate me for this!
(I swear,you are going to hate me sooo much for this,but let´s go back and have a look at the title,then start to read and don´t start to send me hate mails,before you´ve finished reading this fic! - And if you like Riley - DON´T READ!!!)
And: You might recognize some things (movies, ...).
This is far from reality, this is far from fiction.
This is my life,so stop me from living,so stop me from feeling pain.
............................................................................................................
Give,oh give me back my heart!
Or since that has left my breast,Keep it now and take the rest!
"Maid of Athens, Ere We part" Lord Byron
It isn´t always the way it seems
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Buffy woke up slowly,bathed in the feeling of being loved and desired.She
felt warm and tingly all over and encircled in an aura of joy.
This felt so good,she wanted it to last forever.
Her hand reached out to the warm body lying next to her.This time she wasn´t alone in bed,not with him.
She opened her eyes slowly to look into the shadow filled room and next to her,where her lover lay,spread in all his glory and dressed in nothing but his bare skin.She heard the raindrops against the undisguised windows and felt save this time.
She cuddled herself back into his arms and drifted back to a slight and dreamless sleep,until the rising sun tickled the tip of her nose.She inhaled deeply,sighed,opened her eyes and sat herself up.
There she was.This time it was right.No pain,no hurt and no feeling of loneliness,because he was still there.
She looked around in the room and found it to be nice arranged with the bright colours and ...
Suddenly she heard him mumble something.it was nearly inaudible,but she could hear it nevertheless.
"... play my game ..."
He must dream.He speaks in his dreams,how sweet.No sleep of the death,he sleeps the sleep of the living.
His sleeping form shifted and his arms reached out for her.
Sorry,but I need to go to the bathroom,she thought and got up,slowly,not to disturb his dreams.
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She stood in front of a large mirror in the bathroom and looked at herself.
She had changed from pure nudity into a dressing gown,she had found next to the shower.She brushed her hair out of her face and stared into her own eyes in the mirror.She felt a slight pain on the right side of her throat and realized that his marks had dissapeared and her skin felt soft and she felt free,freed from everything that had made her addicted over the years.
She sighed in contentment and turned around to go back to bed when she suddenly felt arms encircle her waist.She arched back slightly,but gave in after looking into the mirror to find him there,his reflection so real,the same reality than his arms around her relaxed again body.
"Something wrong?"He asked.
"No,nothing.Everything is perfect,the way it should be." She smiled and turned around to face him.He looked down at their feet.
"Let´s go back to bed,we have some more hours until the next classes."
His words washed over her like the foreshadow of joy.
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After some more hours of sleep they got up and ready for some hours of gaining wisdom for the rest of their lifes.
Buffy sat in her class and felt like flying.She looked outside through the big windows and saw children play on the green grass that surrounded the campus.
Suddenly her attention got drawn to a little form,wearing a red coat.
She couldn´t see the face of the child,but believed to see a little girl,running around in a lost expression.The girl had the hood drawn into her face and hide herself in the bushes,now.
Buffy spotted a man running towards the child and believed that he must have been the father.
She smiled slightly at the thought of parents playing with their children and turned her attention back to her teacher.
At the end of the class she looked out again and her gaze fell onto the supposed father of the little girl.He sat on a bench with his back facing Buffy.
She got back to pack her things and stopped thinking about everything,because he entered the room and smiled up to her.
She waved her hand,smiled and walked towards him down the steps.
"So how was class?" He asked.
"It was o.k.,but the most time I dreamt a little daydream of us." She answered,her eyes slightly closed and her face expressing her words.
"That´s nice,but don´t forget - we can have this forever,but learning is only now."
She felt guilty about her failing,but at his frienly and warm touch,she relaxed in that second.
"Let´s go for a drink." He suggested.
They had chocolate milk in that little cafe near the campus,a personal tip,only he could find such great places to go to,she thought.
They laughed when they ordered an sundae dish for two and indulged themselves in the feeling of being in love.
"I´ll walk you home,if you like. ... I want to,but if you don´t,no problem." He said to her,when they stepped out of the cafe.
"You´re so sweet,yes please!" She smiled and looked at him in awe.
They slowly walked down the streets,hand in hand,and everybody they met smiled at the sight of them,of two people so in love.
They crossed the campus and suddenly Buffy´s gaze fell on the man,still sitting on the bench.She looked around,but couldn´t find the little girl.
She wanted to walk over to him,but the man at her side held her back.
"Hey,where do you want to go?Do you want to leave me alone?Standing here in the middle of scary nowhere?"He laughed and drew her attention back to him.They continued their walk to the dorms,but Buffy´s mind stayed at the motionless form of the man.She looked back at him and thought she had seen blood running down his right ear,but forgot about it when they entered the building.
"You have to learn this evening - don´t forget about that!"
He held her hands and looked down at them.He squeezed them slightly and gave Buffy a slight kiss on her forehead.
"Good night.I´ll see you tomorrow?"
Buffy nodded yes and tried to look into his eyes,but she couldn´t,because he had already turned around and walked away.
Suddenly she felt disturbed,but couldn´t tell where it came from.
She decided that it must have been the mocha ice cream they ate in the little cafe and went upstairs into her room.
Willow lay in her bed and read.She looked up,said hello and turned her attention back to her work.
Buffy sat on her bed and sighed.
Willow heared it and sat herself up."What´s wrong?"She looked at Buffy."You look confused. ... What´s wrong?How was last night?You didn´t return from classes last night. ... You were at Riley´s? ... Come on,Buffy! Don´t let me fish around in the cloudy waters of your mind.Just tell me!"
The questions came fast and fuzzy,typical Willow,Buffy thought.
"Willow,I´m suddenly very tired ... I´ll tell you tomorrow,o.k.?I have classes in the afternoon,so you don´t have to wake me."
Willow felt neglected and turned her attention back to her books.
"But Buffy,what about slaying?"Willow looked up again and found Buffy lying on her bed,full clothed,but sleeping.
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Buffy got up at half past 12 the next day and realized that she had slept in her clothes.She decided to take a shower when suddenly the phone started to ring.
"Hi Buffy!"
"Hi Riley." Buffy smiled at the sound of his voice.
"How are you?Did I wake you?"
"No,no,I´m awake since 10.I had some learning to do."
"Oh Buffy,we both know that this is not the truth.Don´t lie to me,Buffy,I´ll find it out!" He laughed silently.
Buffy felt suddenly nausea rising through her whole body.
"You´re right,I won´t do it again,Riley.I don´t know why I lied to you anyway.I´m sorry for that." She suddenly felt the nausea disappearing as fast as it came.
"That´s my baby! ... I´ll come over tonight.I hope that´s o.k.?" He asked.
"Sure."
"And don´t forget to go to your classes!Now hurry!" with this he hang up and Buffy listened to the clack in the line.
She felt like drawn to the sound in the line and forgot about the time and everything around her.
The sound of somebody knocking on the door teared her out of her reverie.
She swallowed hart and looked around her.She had totally lost the connection to reality after her phonecall with Riley.
Again the knocking on the door.she looked at her hand,still holding the receiver,in confusion.
Knock,knock.
She felt like dreaming.
Knock,knock.
"Buffy,are you in there?" Came from outside.
She put the receiver back on and got up,still feeling like in a dream.She moved like in slow motion.
Knock,knock.
Buffy opened the door to find Riley.
"Buffy,why are you not in class?I met Willow and asked her about you and she told me that you´re still in your room."
He forced her back into the room with his body.
"I can come in,can´t I."
Buffy turned around and walked over to her bed.
"Come on,Buffy - get dressed!You have only some more minutes left until your classes start!"
Buffy felt like waves of nausea washing over her and her knees gave away.
Riley kept her from falling and sat her back on her bed.
"What was that?Better keep care of yourself,Buffy. ... Well,I´ve got to go now.Don´t forget about classes!" Riley went towards the door and turned around again."Ah,love you."He closed the door behind him and as soon as this happened,Buffy started to sob.She felt bad about her behaviour and started immediately to get her things together to get ready to leave.As soon as she entered her classes,the nausea stopped.
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Riley waited after her last lessons outside of the building of her.
"Hey,it´s Friday evening.Why don´t we go out and have a little fun?You can learn tomorrow afternoon.I´ll help you.So what do you think?"
Buffy nodded yes and Riley took her books."Let me help you with your heavy books,my little girl."He smiled.
"Riley,what have you planned for us?"She tried to look him into his eyes,but he turned his attention to little stones,lying on the floor, and started to kick them."Let´s go to that little cafe and after that we can go to my room,if you like to."
A black cat crossed their way.Buffy blinked at the sight when suddenly another cat crossed their way.
"Have you seen that?" she asked.
"What,Buffy?"Riley asked without turning around.
"The cat,I ... I mean the two cats,crossing our way.Isn´t it strange that two ... I mean,they looked exactly the same." Suddenly her heart started to beat irregularly and her hands started to sweat.She felt totally nervous and out of line.
"I´m sorry,but I haven´t seen any cat.When I´m with you,all I can see is you."
Buffy looked up to him,but he held his pace so that she couldn´t look into his face without struggling,because of his fast moving.
"Why are we in a hurry,Riley?Why do you walk so fast?"
Riley took her hand and stopped suddenly.
"I´m not moving fast,Buffy.You must be tired,or maybe you cought a cold?Your hand is ice cold and sweaty.I´ll bring you back to your dorm.If you feel better,you can give me a call and I come over to you."
They walked to her dorm and as soon,as she entered her room,tiredness fell over her like a lurking phantom on her back.
She threw her books on the ground and fell next to them on the floor in unconciousness.
She felt nothing than emptiness.It felt like something was missing,it felt like something,or somebody had ripped her soul from her body.Suddenly a light appeared in the shadows and a really big man stepped out of it.She couldn´t hear him,but he must have spoken to her,because he opened and closed his mouth.Suddenly he bent himself over her and took her hand.She looked down at her own hand like she didn´t own it and saw the giant remove a silver,familiar ring from her finger.She recognized it,but couldn´t tell where it came from,or who had given it to her.It had the form of a heart with something around it.The giant gave her hand free and it fell onto the ground with a thud,but Buffy felt nothing.The tall man stepped back into the light and the shadows reappeared.Then she fell in unconciousness again.
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"Buffy wake up!"
"Buffy!"
Buffy felt somebody shaking her."Buffy wake up!"
Buffy opened her eyes to find Willow and Riley standing over her.Willow shock on her shoulders with power.
"What´s wrong?" she blinked to clear her blurry sight.
"What´s wrong with you,Buffy?I tried to call you,but you didn´t answer the phone.I thought that you were out with Willow,so I went looking for you this morning,but you didn´t answer the door,so I went searching for Willow."
Willow helped Buffy to get up and sat her down on her bed.
"I can´t remember,I´m sorry."Buffy whiped her eyes.
"I spent the night with practicing new .... " Willow looked over to Riley "...with practicing new spells at my wicca circle." Willow whispered into Buffy´s ear.
Riley stepped near "I´m sorry,if you have little secrets,I can wait outside." and smiled.
"I´ll give you a call,Riley. - I promise."Buffy leaned back against the headboard of her bed.
As soon as Riley left the room she felt the nausea return.
"Willow something is wrong with me,with everything.It seems so irreal."
Willow stepped back and watched her friend from a distance,then she stepped near and looked into her eyes."You seem a little stressed lately,don´t you.Maybe it´s because of college?Or maybe the thing with Riley is going to fast for you?"
"No,it´s not that. .. I don´t know ... Willow,what time is it?I can´t remember anything since I came back yesterday afternoon."
"It´s half past two in the afternoon,Buffy.Maybe you should go and visit Giles?"
"No, ... I will be okay.Maybe I simply cought a cold."
"Are you o.k.?I´ll be back in an hour or so.I need to get some herbs for tonight."
"Sure,Will.I´m okay,just a little tired.Bye."
Buffy felt suddenly dirty and far away from herself.She paced through the room and decided to have a walk outside of the campus area.
She crossed the quadrangle and as soon as she wanted to escape the outer walls of the area,the well known nausea reappeared as fast as it went away each time.She turned around and sat herself on a bench.
"O.k.,Buffy - think! THINK!!!What´s going on with you?"She said to herself.
THINK!!! A burning ache went through her whole body right into her heart and she felt like exploding.She gasped at the feeling and curled herself on the bench when suddenly a man with a oxygen cylinder appeared in front of her and looked down at her.When she looked up at him he hit her in her face and screamed "Fuck you!" at her.As soon as he had appeared,he had disappeared.Buffy swallowed hard and felt like losing her mind.This was far two much!
She felt totally weird and like in an nightmare,but this couldn´t be a dream,this was reality and she must be losing her mind.
Buffy got up and walked back to her dorm to find Willow there,waiting for her.
"Where have you been,Buffy?I´ve waited here for you to return for at least three hours now.Where have you been?"
"Three hours?Oh my god Willow,I must lose my mind!I don´t know what´s going on with me!"
"It´s nearly dark outside.What about slaying?You didn´t slay for the last nights!What´s going on with you?Tell me!" Willow seemed anxiously.
"I ... I don´t know ... oh Will,I don´t know! ... and why slaying?"
Suddenly the phone rang.Willow answered,but the voice on the other site wanted to speak with Buffy.
"It´s for you,Buffy."
"I don´t want to talk!Who is it?"
"I don´t know." Willow gave the receiver to Buffy and sat herself on the bed.
"Who´s there?" Buffy asked.
"Who do you want to be here?"
"Nobody!I don´t want to talk! - With nobody!"
"Here is nobody and i don´t want to talk with you,as well. ... Play my game!"
Buffy felt like somebody hit her.
"What´s wrong with you?I DON´T want to talk to you!"
"So why don´t you hang up? Tell me,tell me!"
The voice on the other site laughed a shrill laugh and suddenly ceased.
Buffy wanted to hang up,but she couldn´t.Something drew her attention to the voice and she could do nothing against it.
He spoke again. "Tell me,what is your favourite scary movie?"
Buffy gasped and turned herself around to Willow,but she had disappeared,the same with the receiver in her hand.
Buffy started to scream and everything around her changed into the campus gardens where she lay on a bench.
It was night and nobody,absolutely nobody was around.She couldn´t hear a thing and it felt like time had stopped around her.
She lifted her head and looked into the night sky.
She felt like something or somebody lifted her up,embraced her and carried her away,out of her life and into a sweet dream.
Cool velvet skin.
Caressing hands and a soft voice.
She knew this feeling,but she couldn´t remember.
She could remember nothing.
"Buffy,Buffy,...get up!You have classes this morning!"
Willow shock her shoulders.
Buffy teared her eyes open and felt the sun in her eyes burning.
Somebody knocked on the door.
Willow opened it and Riley entered.
"What´s wrong with you,Buffy?"He seemed very upset.
"What´s this game about that you´re playing with me?I´m waiting for you and you ... What´s wrong with you?Didn´t I pay enough attention for you,didn´t I care enough of you,or are you just one of those silly kids?"He turned around to leave,but suddenly Buffy felt the nausea return and cried "Stop,please ... please stay!"
"I think you both have to talk.I´ll come back later." Willow said and closed the door of the dorm behind her.
"So what´s wrong?" Riley asked.
"I´m ... I`m so sorry,Riley!I .. I don´t know what´s wrong with me.All I know is that I feel sick every time that I do something that you don´t want me to do."
Riley sat down on her bed and encircled her waist with his arms.
"Then why don´t you simply do what I want?"He sniggered.
Buffy nodded yes against his chest.
"I´ve got to go now.Come with me?"
Buffy got up and suddenly felt really good,like she hadn´t since days.
All I have to do,is to obey him and I feel good,she thought.
But,but I can´t let him rule over me!I´l lose myself!I´ve already started to lose myself!
Suddenly she felt the nausea wash over her again.She walked behind him to his room when they met Willow.
"Are you going to slay tonight?"Willow asked her.
Buffy didn´t know what she was talking about and kept a firm hold to Riley´s hand.
They walked away and Willow stood there in confusion.
If Buffy had looked behind,she had seen how Willow turned into nothing but air.
They went to Riley´s and as soon as they arrived,Riley pointed her a chair to sit on. "I´ll be back in a minute.Don´t move,hon."
Riley started to whistled "Always look on the bright side of life" and went to the bathroom.
Buffy waited for him to return,but because he didn´t,she went loking for him.
Standing in front of the door she heard him talking with himself
"Vanity is definitely my favourite sin.It´s so basic,self love my own natural opiate." He laughed.
Buffy heard him walking towards the door and run back to her seat.Ice cold sweat ran down her back.
"So my little baby had been naughty?"
'How can he know?' Buffy asked herself. 'This can´t be true!'
"What´s wrong with you?You can´t learn?You can´t learn?I´ll help you!"
He screamed at her.
Suddenly Buffy got up and wanted to beat him.She didn´t know where this came from.Why she,a little girl tried to beat such a large guy.
She moved against him like she had never done something different and started to beat him with all her power.
He still laughed at her,although he lay on the floor with a broken nose and blood flowing over his face.
Suddenly Buffy felt like her heart got ripped out,she struggled and fell down on the floor.Riley jumped on her and pinned her on the floor.
"Everybody be cool!You,be cool!" He laughed madly at her and got up.
"Stay this way,baby.Stay this way and nobody will hurt you,nobody will hurt you again,never."He started to dance around and sang a song of Frank Sinatra.
Buffy couldn´t believe what she saw.She closed her eyes and tried to ignore her surroundings.
Suddenly she fell in trance.Her breathing got slower and she felt encircled in the feeling of being save again,as if everything would make sense again.She couldn´t tell where it came from,but suddenly she heard a familiar voice saying her name,chanting it,begging her to return,to come back to him.
Suddenly she got ripped out of her reverie and came back to Riley with his kick into her ribs.She felt them breaking like matches.She arched back under the pain. "Hey,where are you?Stay with me?" Riley said in a soft voice and walked over to the large mirror on his wardrobe.He looked into it and laughed hysterically.Suddenly he threw his head against the mirror and laughed madly at the appearing image of a man with long gray hair in the crashed mirror.
He turned around and walked over to Buffy,still lying on the floor.
"Hon,want to dance with me?"
He grabbed one of her wrists and started to play with her like with a doll.
She had no more own will.All that she could do was to survive the attacks with his fists.
Her mind shot down after a new punch into her face and she fell into unconciousness.
Suddenly she heard voices around her.
"She is still fighting!"
"Buffy,please!Buffy fight ... please!" It sounded like a plead.She knew the voice,but she couldn´t remember whose voice it was.
"I love you so much! ... Please Buffy,please!Fight for me!"
'Angel! ... Angel!'
It flooded her body.His name flooded her body and she started to scream his name.
"Angel!"
It freed her out of her unconciousness and as fast as her eyes plopped open,she got up and started a new attack at Riley.
"You are the Slayer!Fight for me,Buffy!Fight for us!" She heard Angel in the back of her head and strength flooded her body.She felt invincible and ripped the body of Riley Finn literally into pieces after she had stacked him onto a chair leg.
She started to crie and screamed out the agony and weirdness of the last days.Again the world shot down,but this time somebody teared her out of it and she came back to her mind in the arms of her Angel.
She looked into his loving eyes which were so afraid of losing her.
"Buffy? ... Buffy! Baby,are you o.k.? ... Please say something!"
He carressed her cheeks with his hand and held her close to his strong chest.
"Angel? What´s going on?I´m so confused."
"Everything will be fine,it´ll be ... I promise."
"Never again leave me,Angel,please!" Buffy started to cry and Angel joined her.He rocked her back and forth like a little baby.
After some moments the surroundings got clearer and Buffy saw Giles and the rest of the Scooby Gang standing around her and Angel.
"Angel help me to get up."
Angel helped her on her feet,but they gave away and he carried her.
"What´s going on,Angel.Please tell me."
"Willow called me about a week ago and told me that you had disappeared and that nobody had seen you.She asked me,if you were with me.I had so much fear that something had happened to you that I came over to Sunnydale as fast as I could.We tried to find you,but it nearly seemed that you´ve never existed.Everybody that we´ve asked didn´t know you anymore.Then,4 nights ago,I felt you fighting something that was stronger than you and suddenly I knew where to find you.I tried to free you alone,but I couldn´t and so I needed to get some help.
"Where are we,Angel?" Buffy asked.
"We are in the laboratories of The Initiative.They tried to brainwash you and wanted to use you for their matters after that.They wanted to make you submissive.This Riley Finn had been the worst of them.He wanted to break your will so that he could use you like he wanted to."
Buffy began to shiver at the memories.
Angel drew her near and held her as close as he could.
"What is the last thing that you can remember that felt real?"
"Riley and I were at this little cofe and I had orange juice.The next thing that I can remember is that I lay in bed with him,but I would have never done that!"
Giles stepped forward. "So they must have given you drugs with the juice."
Buffy scanned her surroundings.Dead bodys were lying on the floor.Next to the door the body of Riley Finn.His throat ripped out and his body smashed.
She looked back into Angel´s eyes.
He kissed her forehead and they encircled their hands.
"They´ve treated you with lots and lots of drugs and electric shocks.They had a machine with which they could project your thoughts and every time you did something that they didn´t want,they tortured you.They wrote a programm to infiltrate their plan and fed it to your brain and they forced you to go for this fish boy and against everything what you really want,to gain control over you." Giles paced the room.
"And Riley invaded your thoughts." Added Angel.
"Let´s get out of here!" Xander went towards the exit and all of them followed him.Angel carried Buffy and held her close.
"Angel,I couldn´t have made it without you!I had given up,but when I heard you saying that you love me,this gave me enough power to survive." Buffy whispered into Angel´s neck. "I love you."
"I love you,too,Buffy!Please never leave me!"
"Hey,you left me!"Buffy got louder,but calmed down again."Are you going to you leave me again?"
"Never again! I promise! But please Buffy,never die!"
Angel´s eyes closed and he stopped walking.Tears run down his cheeks.
"I love you so much,Buffy!We´ll make it work,right?" it seemed like a pleading.
"Yes,Angel.We´ll make it work!You´ll see! ... and if you leave me again,I won´t be so gentle!See what I can do!"
They kissed slightly and Angel catched up to the others who were already waiting for them.
"You own my soul,you own my heart and ..."
Buffy silenced him with a kiss " ... and you´re never going to leave?"
"Yes,Buffy,you own me."
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This is the true story! - Joss is a liar!!!
"What? You couldn´t possibly... Hey ... Not that I wouldn´t ..."
Yeah, love!
go back
get me outa here
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