Please title this page. (Beach.html)

Untitled - Beach

This is my first attempt to write a longer fic with more chapters than one.

This fic is a little "different" it may take you some time to get into it.

**************************************************

Title: untitled for now
Working title: Beach
Author: Aingeal / Alex. Berger / Sired Passion
E-mail: [email protected]
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of "BtVS" and "Angel", nor do I own any rights to the television shows "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel". They were created by Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network,... I own nothing! (Hey,do you think I could be so mean to them?!) So nobody sue!
Couple: "Buffy"/"Riley" ... "Angel"/"Buffy" -- of course!!!
Spoilers: Everything and nothing - makes sense? - and "IWRY"
Songs:
*"Into the night"
Lyrics David Lynch, Music Angelo Badalamenti
Music from "Twin Peaks"
*"Someday We?ll Be Together"
Lyrics and Music by Jackey Beavers, John Bristol and Harvey Fuqua
Heart and Soul New songs from "Ally McBeal" featuring Vonda Shepard
*"Wild Horses"
The Sundays
"BtVS" The Album
*"Here" / *"Flames"
VAST - Visual Audio Sensory Theater (Jon Crosby)
Quotes: "BtVS" - "Amends"
Rating: You can watch the show, you can read this fic.But this might change later.
Thanks to: Sarah (my beta reader) and all who keep the hope alive (I mean you Anat, Kim, Cass, Maile, Sam, Michelle, ...)
Feedback: Yes please, but be nice!
Author's Note: This fic is a little different to the stories I normally write.It might take you a little to get into it.
Summary: What if you can?t remove the splinter, because it?s far too deep melted into your very own being?

- Buffy and Angel - Let the movie play in yourself.

Beach

Deadly silence

Waves.
Waves are crushing. I can see it, but it´s deadly silent.
I close my eyes and struggle in this feeling, in the feeling of being lost in the vast of life.

The world stopped.
My world stopped, but I moved on and now I´m torn apart.
My body is here, but my soul is ...

Where are you?
Do you still think of me like I do with you?
I close my eyes and feel you, like in my dreams.
I breath you in like I could inhale your soul to complete myself.

Your arms are wrapped around me and I feel save. I´m living, I´m breathing,
I can feel again.
I´m lost. I feel lost in your presence.

// whisper "Now it´s dark" //

Suddenly I feel arms around my waist.
I want to turn around and kiss you, but I know that it´s not you, not the one I really love.

One deep breath. I inhale you for the last time.
It´s time.
My love it´s time.
You left me and now ...

I feel a hand brushing my hair behind my ear.
No more deep breaths, no more.
You never said goodbye, but now it´s time to move on. They tell me and now that you are not with me, I am weak.

It doesn´t feel right. He kisses my neck, but I want you to kiss ...

"That ugly scar on your throat. Where does it come from?"
I open my eyes and it´s sunset.

"You never told me what happened. To me it looks like a vampire bite. Is it?
... Buffy?"

I swallow. I don´t want to remember, but I can still feel you - and I want to feel you again.
I remember that night. I felt complete. I wanted to die.

"These ugly animals, they have to die! All of them have to die! I hope you´ve killed the beast that did this to you!"

He asks me, if I´ve killed you. No, I´ve rescued your life, because I love you so much ... I wanted to die that night, because living without you is killing me. I wanted to rescue you that I would never be alone, feel so empty again.
When you were in hell, I had at least the dreams of you, but now ...
I can´t bear it, and like I ignore the need to touch your soul with mine, I ignore my dreams.

"Buffy? Hey, are you listening to what I say? You should go to such a doctor in L.A. They can use a laser to get rid of that ugly scar on your throat and you can forget about it and forget what happened."

Forget. You told me to forget.
He speaks about you like about a monster
... Like you.You told me that you are a freak show.
But I love you ... more than life itself.
Now I´m going to do, I´m going to forget like I forgot the meaning in my life that I´ve found and that walked away in a cloudy mist.
It disappeared, like you.
You never said goodbye, but now I do.
Goodbye.

I lean back in his embrace.
He snuggles closer and turns me around to face him.
He kisses my forehead. I close my eyes again.

"We have to kill all those vampires! Come on, tell me about this beast. Did you kill it?"

No, you killed me.

"No, he walked away" out of my life.

"You mean, that *it* run away and escaped because you´ve lost to much blood to follow it. ... It must have hurt."

You´ve never hurt me as much as with leaving me.
But that night,you haven´t hurt me. Maybe I should have told you about what I felt. How much pleasure you gave me and how complete I felt once again.

"First, a little."

"My little strong fighter. I *know* that it must have hurt you. You seem so sad talking about it. I´m going to kill it for you! Tell me where you saw it the last time and I´ll kill that beast that you can have peace."

Two hours away. Only two hours away,but too far to reach in a whole life, in my whole life - as long as it may take me.

He pulls me close and I swallow.

"Relax,baby. I´m here to keep you save in those nights full of monsters."

I look up into his face. He smiles.
Shut up!
Be quiet!
I can´t take it no longer.

// whisper "Now it´s dark" //

"We can go on patrol tonight. I mean together, or I go alone and you can rest, little one. Demons and darkness that´s our business ..."

My mind screams shut up and I silence him with a kiss.

He deepens the kiss. I haven´t invited him, but he´s here and you are not, although I wanted to give you everything that would have cost it.

I close my eyes.
I want to taste you, but I taste him.
Now it´s time to move on.
I open my mouth and invite him in, now he is in my life - and he won´t disappear.

His words are still running in my brain while his hands roam my back.
He sucks on my lips.
I can´t lose myself in this feeling, like I could lose myself in you.
I can taste his words on his tongue, like they were still there.
They lay on his tongue, like they are burnt into his heart. Yes, it´s beating, but I can´t feel it, like I felt yours. I feel nausea.

STOP IT!!!
Stop it, Buffy.
Demons and darkness.

His arms are under my shirt now, he licks my neck and earlobe.
He seems so self-confident.
You always felt what I wanted, what I needed ...

"Baby, what´s wrong with you? You´re so tense. Are you afraid of the creatures of the night?" He laughs and continues his exploration of my body.

// whisper "now it´s dark" //

I can´t feel him. I don´t want to.Do what you like, you could never enter my soul.

His words echo in my ears.
Demons and darkness.
You told me that I deserve someone outside of demons and darkness.
You left me for this reason and now I ...

I don´t want to think at all. I let myself fall. Whoever catches me can have me. You´re not here.
I fade away. Numbness.

// Into the night
I cry out
I cry out your name
Into the night
I search out
I search out your love.
Night so dark //

I open my eyes and he´s still there.
It´s dark around us and it´s dark in my heart.
The light that filled my soul ...

He rubs himself up and down my body.
He starts to slip his hands up my belly and touches my breasts.
His hands wander to my back to unlock my bra.
He´s gentle. Maybe he really likes me.
It feels nice.

// Where are you?
Come back in my heart
So dark
So dark //

I can feel that he looks around to search for other people, but it´s dark and nobody is there.

// Into the night
Shadows fall
Shadows fall so blue.
I cry out
I cry out for you. //

He strips me.
I let it happen.

// Night so dark
Where are you?
Come back in my heart
So dark
So dark
So dark //

Tears form in my eyes.
I keep them closed so that I don´t have to look into his.
I can´t see my soul in them like I can see yours.
I can see your soul, but I don´t know if I can trust what I see.
When you broke up with me, I could see your love for me in them, but then you broke my heart and hurt me so much like nobody ever could.

You didn´t want me in your life, you ...

He watches me.I open my eyes.We lie in the sand. Half naked.
He watches me.
I open my tear filled eyes and he smiles down at me.

"You look so great when you enjoy yourself."
He starts to kiss me again and I close my eyes.
He could never understand me.
Nobody could understand me, us. They´ll never have what we had.
But you told me to move on, you told me that you don´t want my life to be with yours.
The beeper goes.
The loud sound cuts the silence.
And I wake up. ... He moves away from me to silence his reminder of demons and darkness.

And I wake up!
You´ve never told me that you don´t want me in your life!
You never told me what I thought that I´ve heard.

Why did I get you wrong?
And you must have thought that I hate you for nearly draining me, because I´ve never told you what really happened.

He pulls me up.

"We have to go now.Dress yourself,you have sand everywhere.Hurry up!"

He pulls me to his car.I feel numb.
No,I cry. He starts the engine.

"You can get out at your dorm and get yourself dressed for that party tonight.I´ll come back to catch you at 11, when the party gets going."

He bents over to kiss me,but I don´t want him to see my tears.

"Later."

I get out of his car as fast as I can and run to my room.

***

Disclaimer in part 1a)

1b)

As we enter the Bronze the party is full going. Couples dance.
He leaves me standing at the entrance when he sees his friends from the
Initiative.

I look around. Everything seems so unfamiliar, like I´ve never been here before.
Because you are not here - I cant look out for you.
Why?

I hide myself in the shadows now, like you used to, when you watched me and
took care of me.
Why are you not here?

I look around, tears forming in my eyes, running down my cheeks.

I can nearly feel you.Why?

A hand rips me out of my reverie.

"Lets sit down. I get us a drink."

He pulls me on my hand to a table and waves another one of his friends.

"Ill be back, hon.Dont move."

He turns around and grins.

He can´t see me, otherwise he must have recognized my tears.
I see him walking over the dancefloor. Couples are dancing.

I watch them.

// Someday we´ll be together
(Oh, say it, say it, say it,say it again)
Someday well be together
(Oh, yes we will, yes we will)

You´re far away, baby
From me my love, ooh yeah
And just as sure my, my baby
As there are stars above
I wanna say

Someday we´ll be together
(Ah, yes we will, yes we will)
Someday, some sweet day
Well be together
(Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know)

My love is yours, baby
Right from the start, oh yeah
You, you, you possess my soul now honey
I know, I know you own my heart
And I wanna say //

I haven´t seen him come back to our table.
Suddenly hes there and places two glasses on the table.

"Lets dance" he pulls me up and we walk right into the crowd.

// Someday, some sweet day
Well be together
(Ah yes we will, yes we will)
Someday, tell everybody
Well be together
(Oh, I know)
A long time ago, my, my sweet thing
I made a big mistake honey
I, said, I said goodbye
(Bye, bye, bye, bye)
(Baby, ever, ever)
(Ever, and ever, and ever)
Ever, since that day now
All I, all I wanna do
All I wanna do
Is cry, cry, cry //

I close my eyes and let him lead me.
He plays with me like with a doll.

// I long for you
Every, every night
Ooh, just to kiss your sweet lips baby
Hold you ever, and ever so tight, and I wanna say

Someday, some sweet day
Well be together
(Oh, yes we will, yes we will)
Someday well be together
(Oh I know, I know, I know, I know, I know)
Someday well be together
(Yes we will, yes we will)
Someday well be together //

This becomes too much for me. The text of this song rips me into pieces.
I can feel that I start to shudder inside.
He doesnt feel it, he smiles.
I look into his eyes and he cant see me.

The music fades away and I´m glad that it´s over.
I want to walk back to the table, but he pulls me back.

"One more song, please." He smiles and I smile back. "I made a wish. Tonights
DJ is a friend of Forrest. He should play the song next."

The music starts again.

// Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am
You know I cant let you slide through my hands

Wild horses,
Couldnt drag me away,
... //

I push myself away from him.
I cant breath.

I can´t breath!
Tears are running down my cheeks.
Im dying.

I run away.
Fast.
Faster.
I storm out of the door and into the night

// Into the night

I cry out
I cry out for you
Into the night
I reach out,
I reach out for YOU //

I run and run
I feel like falling.
I struggle.

I can´t breath.

I don´t know where I run to.
It doesnt matter.
I run away, but where can I hide from myself?

Suddenly I stand in front of the mansion.

My world wents black.

I don´t know how long I lay there on the ground.

It´s still deep night. I open my eyes and all I can see is you.

"Start to forget" My words are hunting me.
I reach out for you, but youre not there.

"Start to forget" How could I forget you, when youre my world?

I get up. My back hurts from falling.
I enter the mansion and the memories that I buried deep down in my soul are
suddenly as fresh as it is right now happening.

Suddenly I´m very tired.
I curl myself on your bed. I imagine you laying next to me.

"Start to forget" The tears form again.

I cry out "Ill never forget! Ill never forget!"
I chant it and cry myself into sleep.

I´ll never forget.

I dream of you and me, the day I came to see you.
I dream of us talking in a sewer. It hurts so much.
I dream of us kissing in the sunlight.
I dream of ...

I´ll never forget!

Suddenly I wake up.
This was no dream.I know it!
This was reality!
And now I remember.

***

Disclaimer in part 1a)

Very loud music.

// Where do I put the shame?
It feels like a broken toy
I can´t play with
Anymore
Where do I put the hate?
To a pixilated screen
I can´t watch anymore
All I know is that
I´m here drifting
Somewhere in the vast
Somewhere in eternity
And
I never want to leave
Where do I put the books there´s so many I could read
But
They all are filled
With lies
Where do I put the lies
There´s so many I could say
But
It seems they´re
In the books
I have faith that
You´re out there living high
Up in the vast
Somewhere in eternity
And
You´re never
Going to leave
Have I been telling
Lies to myself?
Hold me now you know
I am so afraid
To be at all
Have I been telling lies
To myself?
Hold me now you know
I am so afraid to love at all

Where do I put the love?
Where do I put the love? //

"Where is he? Again on the roof? I shouldn´t have bought him that portable CD
player. Now he loses himself even more in his brooding."

I feel a hand on my shoulder.
I know who it is. I don´t react.
It doesn´t matter.
She pulls down my headphones.

"Angel, what are you doing?"
She tries to pull me down from the border.
"It´s nearly sunrise.You have to go inside!"

I get up and stand on the border.
I spread my wings to fly.

I close my eyes and feel the music deep inside. It races through my body.
The title replay plays this song since we came back from our last case.
I rescued a little blonde. ... A little blonde.

I take a deep breath and start to lose balance.
The abyss comes near.
I won´t be dead, but perhaps I´m going to be numb ...
If I only could wait for some more minutes, I could fly and my ashes would be
carried away by the storm. Carried to heaven, perhaps to Sunnydale where my
heaven lives.

I can feel the music. It´s cursing through my veins, like your blood does. I
don´t know how, because my heart isn´t beating, but I still can feel you in
every fibre.
A heavy squall brings me to struggle.
I keep my eyes closed.

Suddenly somebody pulls me back to the roof.
I fall on the floor. It doesn´t matter.

The music stops.
Silence around me, but I cry.
My whole being cries out for you.
I reach out for you, but you´re not there.

"Angel, please!"

I open my eyes. Cordelia.

"Angel I need you to go inside!"

I know these words. I know them and I can´t bear it that I went away,that I am
the coward you told me about.

Buffy: Angel.
Angel: I bet half the kids down there are already awake. Lying in their beds,
sneaking downstairs... waiting for day.
Buffy: Angel please. I need you to get inside. There's only a few minutes
left.
Angel: I know. I can smell the sunrise long before it comes.
Buffy: I don't have time to explain this, you'll just have to trust me. That
thing that was haunting you...
Angel: It wasn't haunting me. It was showing me.
Buffy: Showing you?
Angel: What I am.
Buffy: Were.
Angel: And ever shall be. I wanted to know why I was back, now I do.
Buffy: You don't know. Some great evil takes credit for bringing you back and
you buy it? You just give up?
Angel: I can't do it again Buffy. I can't become a killer.
Buffy: Then fight it.
Angel: It's too hard.
Buffy: Angel, please, you have to get inside.
Angel: It told me to kill you. You were in the dream, you know. It told me to
lose my soul in you and become a monster again.
Buffy: I know what it told you. What does it matter?
Angel: Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly. I want to take
comfort in you and I know it will cost me my soul and a part of me doesn't
care. I'm weak, I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that
needs killing, Buffy, it's the man.
Buffy: You're weak, everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring
you back. But if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means you can
hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if
you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster. Angel, please, the
sun is coming up.
Angel: Just go.
Buffy: I won't.
Angel: What? You think this is simple? You think there's an easy answer? You
can never understand what I've done. Now go.
Buffy: You are not staying here, I won't let you...
Angel: Am I a thing worth saving? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me
gone.
Buffy: What about me? I love you so much. And I tried to make you go away. I
killed you and that didn't help. And I hate it. I hate that it's so hard. And
that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did because you did
it to me. God... I wished that I wished you dead. You know, I can't.
Angel: Buffy, please. Just this once, let me be strong.
Buffy: Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's everyday. It's
what we have to do and we can do it together. But if you're too much of a
coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this
world, I don't know what can. But don't expect me to watch, and don't expect
me to mourn for you because...

"Angel, please!"

She calls for Wesley.They carry me down into my bedroom.
I stay totally limp. Only my eyes betray me. They´re full of tears.

Strong is fighting. It´s hard and it´s painful and it´s everyday.
But I want to give up.

Dreams.
Blissfull dreams.
I dream of our day and night together. I dream of it and I can´t bear it to
know, that you´ll never remember what we had and how much I love you.
You think that I don´t love you, that I want you to move on, when all that I
really want is to love you.
Dreams.
I love you so much, it hurts, it´s unbearable and the only way to escape is to
sleep, to dream of you and how much we love each other.
How much you loved me, before I hurt you so much.
You still loved me after I came back from hell, after everything the demon had
done - and I refused your love.

You should have killed me.

Dreams.

Silent night
Silent night
Oh sleep well my love
The stars shine bright
Sleep well my love

Dreams come and go
Sleep well and fine
Sweet dreams of joy
Sleep well my love
You will feel high

The stars shine bright
And on the sky
Sleep well and fine
The stars turn dark
Sweet dreams of joy

Wings of darkness
You will feel high
Will fly tonight
Sleep well my love
And settle down
Sweet dreams of joy

On your chest
You will feel high
Crushing bones
The silent night
You will enjoy

The stars shine bright
Your flesh cries out
The silent night
The warmth flows out

Sleep well my love
Your last sigh
Sweet dreams of joy
Silent night
Silent night.

Dreams.
Hunt me down.
Startled.
I wake up. Sweat is running down my body.
I´m lying on the floor of the office.
Wesley and Cordelia hold me down on the floor so that I can´t move. Cordelia
sits on my chest.
My face is burnt.
I can´t remember.

"What´s wrong? Where ..."

Cordelia interrupts me.

"What´s wrong? What´s wrong?" She nearly cries.
"You wanted to kill yourself! You were already standing outside. Wesley caught
you in the last second or you would have been history!"

"Let me get up!"

They let me free. Now I feel the hurt all over my body.

"Can you tell us, what happened?"

Wesley stands between me and the door.He doesn´t trust me.
I go over to the table and lean against it.
I´m hurt.

"I don´t know. I can´t remember. Maybe a dream?"

"Angel, not again dreams! I don´t want to chain you to bed again."

Cordelia sits down on the table next to me and brushes my cheek.

"You look awful. What about a shower and after that we´ll talk."

***

Disclaimer in part 1a)

I know where my place in life is.
I know that I´m the Slayer and that I can´t change that, but what I
know, too, is that I love you, my Angel and nobody or nothing can change that. Now
that I know what you gave up to save my life, what you did, I know that you love
me even more than I could have ever imagined.

How could I go back?
Now that I know what we had, or what we could have had?
I won´t and nobody can stop me.
Not my friends, not Giles or my mother - and not Riley.
Yes, I cared about him and still do, but he was no where more than a friend.
I pretended that I liked him more than that, but I don´t.
There´s only one thing where I don´t have to pretend that I´m somebody that
I´m not - and this is with you, Angel.

It´s sunrise.
I´m leaving and coming home.

I go back to my dorm. Willow is still asleep.
She smiles in her sleep. Probably she dreams of Oz, or maybe she has found
somebody new.
Why does everybody around me feels that you aren´t somebody unless you are
with somebody?
This is wrong!
If they would have given me more time alone, I´d have recogized it far
earlier, what I really need.
I need myself!
And then I need Angel and if I can´t have him, I need no replacement, because
there could never be a replacement for my one and only true love - and now
that I´ve recognized this, I know what I have to do.

Tomorrow it´s Saturday, so I don´t have to worry about classes.
I´m leaving right after my last class today.
Now everything is so clear. What happened to me that I couldn´t see it?
I pack my things for the weekend - and I take Mr. Gordo with me and the
silver cross you gave me when we met for the first time. I need them. - And
these are the most valuable things that I have.
No, that´s not right, but I don´t know where my Claddagh ring is.
After you came back from hell, I couldn´t find it.
Maybe the First Evil took it to use it against us.

Willow wakes up.
She looks at me with sleepy eyes.

"You´ve spent the night outside? Where have you been? Riley called, but you´ve
never returned. What happened?" She sits herself up and stretches her arms
and back.

"I realised what´s wrong in my life and now I´m going to fix it."

"Where are you going? What do you want to do?"

I close my bag and sit down on my bed.
"I´ll drive to L.A. after classes.I have a business over there and after that
I´ll have a serious talk with Angel and if he won´t listen to me, he´ll get
some real problems."

"But what about Riley? I can remember that Angel hurt you so much, and now
you´ve moved on. You can´t always look back. I´ve realized this myself and
because of this I´ve never told you about the things he said when he had this
fever. He nearly killed you! You should be glad that he went away!"

"Willow, I forced him to drink my blood! You don´t know what you´re talking
about! How could you?! I never said something about that, because I ... that
was the most erotic moment in my whole life. ... But
what have you said about Angel talking about me?"

"I ... I didn´t know that you forced him. We believed that he wanted to drain
you to rescue his own life."

"Willow!"

I get up and walk over to her. I´m so angry! My hands start to tremble.

"Willow, I´m very upset, very angry right now, so tell me what Angel said!"

I must look very dangerous - that´s the way I feel. How could she?

"He, he thought that I´m you and he told me that he was wrong and that he
can´t live without you."

I turn around and grab my bag. I´m foaming.
I can feel her hand coming to touch me.

"Don´t!" I turn around to face her. "Don´t. ... I can´t think clear right
now. We´ll talk when I´m back."

My last words.

I drive to my house. I want to get the leather jacket you gave me years ago.
How could I left everything behind that mattered?
I should have fought for it, for you!
I can´t believe what you did, what I did - and why we could never talk about
the things we thought.
We understood each other without speaking, but when it came to decisions, we
always had problems.
But this is going to change!
If my plan is going to work,we´ll need some serious talks!

***

Disclaimer in part 1a)

The water runs down my aching body.
I don´t know what happened.
All I can remember is a weird dream.
When I think about the dream, I fear it.
I get out of the shower and dress myself.
I turn the stereo on.

Number 6.

// Close your eyes
Let me touch you now
Let me give you something
That is real
Close the door
Leave your fears behind
Let me give you
What you´re giving me
You are the only thing
That makes me want to live at all
When I am with you
There´s no reason to pretend that
When I am with you
I feel flames again
Just put me inside you
I would never ever leave
Just put me inside you
I would never ever leave you //

"Where is he?"

"He´s down in his bedroom, crying. ... I wanted to look what he´s doing and he
sat there with a photo of Buffy and cried. ... What if, Wesley ... what if he
really wanted to kill himself?"

"I´ll try to talk with him later."

I open my wardrobe and get that little velvet box. My Claddagh ring.
Why did I take it off? I wanted to give you totally free, but I can´t live
without you. I slip it back on - for eternity!

"For eternity!"

***

I throw my bag next to the door and enter the kitchen for a little breakfast.

Mom is there.

"Why aren´t you in college, Buffy?"

"I´ve something really important to do today, and I´m going to stay away over
the weekend, as well."

I open the fridge and get some milk.

"But Buffy, there´s nothing more important than college! You should really ..."

The last thing I want to hear is something like this!

"Oh mom, where is my leather jacket? You know, the one that´s far too big for
me."

"It´s in one of the cartons in the cellar. I put it in there after Angel left
you. Why do you want to know? Oh, I see." She smiled.
"You´re staying at Riley´s over the weekend and now you want to get rid of
the rest of Angel´s things before you finally get involved again seriously.
I´m so very glad that you´ve moved on! See, my decission to tell him that he
should leave you was right."

She smiles.
SHE SMILES!
What???
I, ... I can´t believe!
It rips myself in pieces, it shatters me!
I can´t believe!

"What?"

I scream.

"What?" I scream louder.
"How could you? Why?"

I have to keep myself in check, otherwise I would kill her.
I shatter the glass of milk, I crack it in my hand. The milk mixes with my
blood.

"Why?" Tears are running down my cheeks. I can´t believe what I´ve heard.

I run out of the kitchen, down into the cellar and roam through the boxes.
There it is. I wrap myself in it and imagine you holding me close.
I can feel you, how you´re trying to calm me down.
Something fell out of it when I pulled it out of the box.
A prospect of one of moms art exhibitions.
Why has she put it into my jacket?
I flick through it and at the Ireland section, there´s a picture of a Claddagh
ring. The text says that it is a traditional Irish wedding band.

I can´t believe it, why have you never told me about it?
You married me on my birthday and I didn´t know it.
The day we made love.
I still can feel you, when I dream of it.
In my daydreams you are there with me and ...

I remember why it is so hard to stay away from you when you are around.
But now I remember our swallowed day, too - and I know what to fight for.
It´s not only making love, it´s feeling love and beloved - and when this had
been our last time making love and we could never do it again, then it
wouldn´t matter, because we´re together and together we can bear everything!

I love you so much!

I walk slowly upstairs.
Mom has left, as usual.
But I´m glad she did it. I don´t know what I would have done ...
She left me a note.

"Here are 150 Dollars, if you´re going to L.A.

Please call your father that I know you´re o.k.

I´m sorry,Buffy. I wanted to make the right decision.

You can take the car. The second keys are in the drawer under the phone.

The car is outside the gallery. Just take it.
Mom"

***

Disclaimer in part 1a)

"Angel we need to talk. ... Cordelia, come downstairs."

"What is? He´s lying on his bed, sleeping, curled up like a baby, holding the
photo. Should I wake him?"

"No, we turn the stereo off and let him sleep. You two can talk later. I´ll
stay in the office, if he tries it again."

***

"How can I help you Madam?"

"I search a Claddagh ring. I was on my way to L.A., when I saw your sign. I had
to ask."

"Yes, Madam. We have Irish jewelery. Is it for you?"

"Yes, I´ve lost mine and now I want a new one."

"Here are the rings we have. We can engrave something in it, if you like. It
would take about three hours."

"I´d like this one and the matching male one, too. And yes, please engrave
'Forever' and 'Always' in both.Thanks."
"Here´s your billet, Madam."

What can I do during the hours of waiting?
I´m going to buy some food.
I think of you and smile.
How long ago was the last time that I smiled?
I can´t remember. No, I do. It was our day together.

I love you so much, it hurts!
I love you! Can you hear me? I love you!

How can I smile after everything that happened today?
After everything you did to me?
I can. That´s it. I love you.

But do you still love me?

***
Silent night
Silent night
Oh sleep well my love
The stars shine bright
Sleep well my love

Dreams come and go well and fine
Sweet dreams of joy
Sleep well my love
You will feel high
The stars shine bright
And on the sky
Sleep well and fine
The stars turn dark
Sweet dreams of joy

Wings of darkness
You will feel high
Will fly tonight
Sleep well my love
And settle down
Sweet dreams of joy

On your chest
You will feel high
Crushing bones
The silent night
You will enjoy
The stars shine bright
Your flesh cries out
The silent night
The warmth flows out

Sleep well my love
Your last sigh
Sweet dreams of joy
Silent night
Silent night.

I wake up, screaming ,crying out for you.
I feel as if something wants to kill you, Buffy.
Buffy!!!

I feel as if *I* want to kill you.

I look around me. I lie in the entrance of the office. Somebody tears me back
into the darkness of the house. My feet are smoking.

Cordelia hits me on my arm. "God Angel, what´s wrong with you? Why do you want
to kill yourself?"

"I don´t know, I ... I can remember a dream and that I wanted to kill Buffy."

"So you want to kill yourself before you can kill Buffy?" Wesley helps me up.

"Seems."

"Cordelia, where are the chains from the last time we had to chain him up?
Please get them."

Now I lie here on my bed, chained up and Cordelia is watching me.

"What do you think?" I ask her.

"I think that you love Buffy so much that it´s going to kill you. You can´t
bear it that only you have the memories of your day together. But that´s only
what I think."

"So Doyle told you about it? I should have known it."

She looks up and smiles a sad smile.

"I´ll get myself some coffee. Are you hungry?"

"No, thanks.I had something before I took the shower you suggested. ... Cordelia?"

She turns around.

"Thank you." She smiles back at me.

Suddenly I feel so sleepy.
The sleep is overwhelming me.

I hear a chanting.

This time I wake up slowly.

I see Cordelia and Wesley standing in front of my bed, both with scared
eypressions in their faces.

"What´s wrong?"

Cordelia takes a step forward "I don´t know how, but you managed to rip one of
your chains in pieces. We had to cast a magical spell that you can´t break the
chains again."

"How long is it going to work?"

Wesley controls the locks . "It´s going to last the rest of the day, the night
and next day. We should have found a solution until then. I´ll do some research
over night and if I can´t find something, I´ll call Giles."

"No, please don´t call Giles. I don´t want that Buffy finds out."

"I´ll do what I have to, Angel. Now I leave. Take care Cordelia."

"I´m going back to the office, Angel. Kate could stop by and well, you know
that I don´t like her. I don´t want her to intrude our privacy."

"You know that I don´t like her either. Thank you for all, Cordelia."

***

Now I sit here in this little cafe and can still not believe what I´m going
to do.
I drove a little around before I found that little park with the playing
children. I watched them and smiled, thinking about their little innocent
hearts. And then I recognized one thing.
If I really and seriously want children someday, then I want them more than
anything that they will look like you.
There´s nothing else. Never!

I sat there and watched them and suddenly I realised that I still have to
talk with Riley before I can restart my life with you.

Now I sit here, drink my coffee and wait for the last minutes of the three
hours of waiting to pass by.

***

Disclaimer in part 1a)

I wait in front of the college for Riley.
My ring is already on my finger. Left hand, heart pointing inward.
We´re married.
I know it deep in my heart.
I love you.

There he comes.
I´ve called im earlier. Maybe he knows already what´s coming. I don´t know.
He seems serious.
I get out of the car and walk over to him.
It´s the first time that I really realise what I feel when he´s around.
I feel nothing that could be compared with what I feel when you are around
me. I feel less than I felt with Scott before he dumped me.
My so called friends had talked me into it.
But it´s still my fault that I let it happen and that I went for it, too, after
you told me to forget.
How could you have ever reacted differently after all that had happened that
day and night. How can you bear it?
We walk together to a bench near by. I keep a distance.

"So you want to talk to me about something. What´s wrong? I mean, I can feel
that something is wrong - and I felt it before, but never as strong as
yesterday evening."

I look into his face, but his eyes refuse me to enter his soul through them.

"Look Riley, I can´t go on with my life like this. I wished it, yes, I pretended
that everything is fine, but it isn´t. ... It´s that I ... I don´t love you."

He looks away, into the sky.
"But maybe sometime later? Maybe you can love me then?"

He turns back to me and seems really sad.

"Riley, I don´t want to give you hope where none is. I´m ... look, I´m really
sorry, but it´s the best way for both of us."

"And what about the Initiative? I mean, we´ll meet there and it´s ... it´s
going to be hard."

"Yes, it is going to be, but we can take it and I´m sure that you´ll find
somebody who really loves you."

Tears form in my eyes. It´s harder than I thought. How hard it must have been
for you. First the mayor, then my mother and me talking about being in a rut
...

Riley gets up. "I have classes now. We´ll see each other."

I get up and hug him. I walk away and don´t turn around.
There are you, my Angel and I know that this is right.

***

"What is he doing?"

"He is sleeping - and dreaming. He screams Buffy´s name and cries. I think
this is a kind of spell. Not that he loves Buffy, or that he wants to kill
himself to keep her save, but I mean the poem that tells him to kill her."

"I´ll search for it. Bye"
"Bye."

***

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***

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