I'd like to be an optimist, but I don't think it would work out.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, who stays awake all night wondering whether there is a Dog?

Clones are people, two.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

My reality check just bounced.

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Boycott shampoo--demand REAL poo!

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

I don't approve of political jokes . . . I've seen too many of them get elected.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with...

Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this BS before.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

"I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy, I was deprived. Then they told me deprived was a bad image, I was underprivileged. Then they told me underprivileged was overused, I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I sure have a great vocabulary." - Jules Feiffer

"What I like best is a book that's at least funny once in a while...What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though." - J. D. Salinger

"A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you." - Robert Lewis Stevenson

"There is more credit and satisfaction in being a first-rate truck driver than a tenth-rate executive." - B. C. Forbes

If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours. - Clarence Day

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?" - Ronnie Shakes

"I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either." - Kevin Nelson

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy." - Sam Levenson

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees." - David Letterman

"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population." - David Letterman

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." - An English Professor, Ohio University

"The word 'politics' is derived from the word poly, meaning 'many', and the word ticks, meaning 'blood sucking parasites'." - Larry Hardiman

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." - Douglas Adams

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." - Dave Barry

"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made." - Jean Giraudoux

"There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad." - Salvador Dali

"We're all in this alone." - Lily Tomlin

"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." - Al Capone

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman

"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark." - Michael Landon

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." - Darrin Weinberg

"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you." - Fran Lebowitz

"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing." - Gamel Abdel Nasser

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

01. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
02. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
03. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
04. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
05. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
06. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
07. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
08. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
09. Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
10. School lunches stick to the wall.
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
13. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

01. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
02. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
03. One reason to smile is that every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
04. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
05. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere -- and let the air out of their tires.
06. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
07. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
08. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
09. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

01. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
02. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. (It is also hereditary...I blame my condition on my kids.)
03. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
04. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
05. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
06. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
07. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of candy can make a person gain 5 pounds.
08. Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
09. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
10. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
11. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
12. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
13. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
14. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
15. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
16. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
17. Sometimes I think I understand everything; then I regain consciousness.
18. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
19. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
20. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
21. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

The Four stages of life:

01. You believe in Santa Claus.
02. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
03. You are Santa Claus.
04. You look like Santa Claus

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