Did you ever try to say goodbye? But he didn�t let you right? Welcome to my very own, personal hell. Finally I have company, someone to talk to, someone to share all this with.

The only question is, where do I start?

We had only been together for about two weeks when he said he loved me. He whispered it into my skin one night, as we lay tangled in the darkness. And I tried to open my mouth to say that it was too much too soon, and that I�d have to think about some things before I could say anything like that back, but my mouth wouldn�t open, my eyes started to tear, and he breathed into my neck and wrapped his arms around me tighter. I couldn�t say anything after that, not after he had hushed me into sleep.

And so when he started telling people we were in love, I didn�t know what to say. I just smiled and told myself that we�d have to talk later. Cause, you know, I didn�t know what love was; I barely knew if he knew what love was. The only problem was, I kept forgetting to talk to him about my feelings. He said it to me every night when we fell into the bed, and every morning when we got out of bed, and I think maybe somewhere along the way, I started to feel that for him. Lust and infatuation started me off, but after him telling me he loved me every 10 minutes we were together, I guess I just started to feel the same way. Or I thought I did. So he started to tell people �she breathes life into me� and �she keeps me real� and I really didn�t know what to do about that. I was so flattered, so caught up in all the attention, that I didn�t quite understand all that he meant by that.

So then next came the ring. �It�s a promise ring,� he said to me, slipping it onto my left hand. �Cause I know you think we�re too young. Just so you know, I�ll always be here, I�d wait forever for you.�

That�s when I sorta felt kinda scared about it. If he saw me with anyone he didn�t like, or approve of, his eyes would narrow, and he�d come up to me and put his arm around my waist and whisper something in my ear, usually saying he loved me, and then he�d look smugly at the person I�d be talking to. It got to be really irritating when I couldn�t have a conversation with his best friend without him turning up, interrupting us. There are just some things you can�t tell the person you love.

Especially if you�re trying to say that maybe you don�t really love him.

So I tried to talk to people, but it was like he was spying on me, he always knew where I was, always knew who I was with, what I was doing. It bothered me. I couldn�t keep anything secret anymore.

After one particularly bad instance (I was trying to talk to my mom, for god�s sake, and he came up and just started talking to me like she wasn�t there. Like, what the hell is that about?), we were in our hotel room and I kinda said something about hating when he does that, and when I explained that he�s a little too possessive, he kinda looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked me if I was going to leave him.

I hadn�t even thought about it then. I just kinda wanted to tell him to take it easy, and he scared me with that. So of course I�m trying to tell him that I�m not exactly on my way out, but that I�d like things to cool down, and then of course, he starts to cry. And not just cry, but I mean weep. Have you ever seen this kid cry? It would have been wrong of me not to pull him into my arms and apologize for what I said.

I dunno, maybe I�m gullible. Maybe I�m weak. Maybe I really was in love with him. But I just kinda took back what I said.

Which made it even harder to say the next time.

We hadn�t seen each other for, I dunno, about 2 weeks, but believe me, we talked. Rather, he talked and I listened. I was on my tour, and he on his, and he usually only called to say hi, that there was nothing much new, and that he loved me. Every day he called me, twice usually. Once when he got up, and once when he went to bed. It didn�t matter if I was sleeping or not, and he got angry if I didn�t answer my phone. Don�t get me wrong; never angry enough to hurt me physically, but a lot of people would argue that crowding someone is hurting them emotionally.

So one day I called one of his friends. I had actually intended to ask him about investing some money (he was the only pop star I knew that had a personal accountant, lawyer and stock broker). But we ended up talking for a long time, talking about my never-ending relationship with the man that I didn�t really love.

How was I going to tell him?

I didn�t know.

Why hadn�t I told him sooner?

Because I�m chicken.

And so that spawned the first in many conversations I had with my boyfriends� best friend.

Turns out, we had a lot in common.

We were talking so often that I didn�t actually talk to my boyfriend that much. I wondered if he�d get the clue and just leave me alone. It wasn�t like I didn�t want to be around him though; I still thought of him as a great person, just too overwhelming for me. Too pushy somehow. I needed to grow as a person. I needed to figure out all the things inside me before I could commit to one person for the rest of my life. And maybe he had it all figured out, but I was just becoming who I was. And I didn�t want that to change because of him.

It was a Saturday. I remember that because the day before was Lance�s birthday, and I had called to sing happy birthday to him, but Justin answered his phone and I hung up quickly. I emailed Lance later and apologized, but didn�t tell him that I was the person who called and hung up. I�m pretty sure he figured it out though. I�m a pretty transparent person sometimes.

Saturday. Justin flew into LA at 10am, and I picked him up at the airport, in full disguise, as usual. He bent to give me a greeting kiss, and I turned my cheek to his lips. That was my first step, and I was damn proud. The days before I had practiced taking the ring off, just to make sure I could get it off, and I fully intended to give it back to him while he was visiting for the weekend. He looked confused and hurt, but shrugged it off quickly, and I managed to get to my house without seeming too out of the ordinary. I was calculating in my head; if it was Saturday at 10:30 in the morning, and he left Sunday on an 11am flight, then I had how many hours to tell him I didn�t really love him?

Of course, he wanted to �make love� as soon as we got in the door. I rolled my eyes, but let him have his way because I knew otherwise he would just be grumpy. He fell asleep afterwards, and I snuck into the bathroom, turned on the faucet and called Lance.

He knew I was going to break up with Justin. So I could talk to him about this, I could ask him about it, how to do it without totally destroying him. When I was done on the phone with him, I crawled back into bed quietly, facing Justin, tracing his sleeping face with my fingers. His eyes fluttered and he was awake, but I hushed him back to sleep.

The sun peeked through the blinds, I could feel it behind my eyelids before I had even woken up, and I felt instantly free and able to do whatever I wanted. It was then that I opened my eyes and was trapped by blue ones staring right back at me. I sighed and allowed myself to be pulled into Justin�s arms, and I pushed his voice out of my brain when he told me he loved me. I kept telling myself that I could do this, that it was going to be hard, but I could do it because I�m strong. I rolled away from him, and got out of bed, quickly getting dressed.

�I�m going to make dinner,� I said softly, and padded out of the room barefoot. He followed me.

�What�s wrong?� He asked me. Was it time to tell him?

�Justin, I�� the phone rang and I darted to pick it up before the machine got through. It was Lance.

�Have you done it yet?�

�No,� I shook my head, darting a glance at Justin who was bent over in the refrigerator, looking for a drink.

�Don�t drag it out, it�ll just be worse.�

�I�ll call you after, alright?�

�Good luck, sweetheart.� I heard Lance sigh just before he hung up his end. I did the same thing, and sat down at the kitchen table.

�Justin, we need to talk about something.�

�I could tell something was wrong. I love you, you can tell me anything.� He sat down across from me. �You know that right?�

Why did I feel like he was talking down to me? �Justin, we�ve been seeing each other for how long?� I didn�t let him speak. �A long time. And how far in our relationship did you tell me you loved me?�

�I�ve loved you forever. I�ve never hidden that.� He looked puzzled. And scared.

�And after how many dates did I tell you I loved you?� I sat back and let him think for a second.

�Right after I did.�

I shook my head. �Justin, I haven�t.�

�Yea, you did. I remember, we were sitting��

�No, Justin. I�ve never told you I loved you.�

�Why?� He asked in a small voice. He already knew what was coming.

�Justin, I don�t love you. I don�t think I ever have.� His eyes started to tear, and so did mine. I hated seeing him like this, and I wanted to take him in my arms. It would be so easy to rub his back and apologize. But I couldn�t. I had to stand my ground. So I stayed in my chair, with my arms wrapped around me.

�But, I love you, Britney. I always have! How can you sit there so calm and tell me that you don�t want me in your life anymore?�

�That�s not what I said Justin. Don�t put words in my mouth. And don�t you dare think this is easy for me! I�ve lived for so long feeling like I was empty and that I had to pretend. Not only for the public, but for YOU. I always thought about you first, Justin Timberlake, so don�t you go standing there telling me how heartless I am.�

And then he left.

And I called Lance.

He told me he loved me.

And I said it right back.

[end]