You know, normally when there's nothing to do, I can just sit around and watch the trees go by, or watch the sun glint off the highway. It gives you a lot of time to think about things. But sometimes, when you're sitting on the bus all by yourself, because the others are napping or doing whatever in their own bunks, you get so bored that you just can't even think straight. And normally, when that happens, you go have a nap to pass the time. I've been sleeping a lot lately.

I don't wanna say that I don't love touring - because I do. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't performing. Most of the time, I have a lot of stuff to do for the company, on my computer, so I do that, check my emails, maybe talk to Justin on the other bus or something, you know, if he's not away with Britney. But sometimes, I don't want to do work, I don't want to sit there doing nothing, and I don't want to get up on the stage and pretend like I'm the same guy I was when this started.

Because Lord knows none of us are the same.

The spotlight has tarnished us. Chris is the worst. Especially since Dani. He's senile now, bitter and getting older by the day, and we all tried to comfort him, Joey especially cause he's the one with the good hugs. But Justin is almost as bad.

Justin used to be the sweet kid, the boy-next-door, and I don't know when that changed, but I think it was around the time that he started to crush on Britney. She had such an influence on him, and he was young and impressionable, and hanging out with a diva all the time made him think that he should deserve that kind of treatment too. So now, he yells at people, he yells at us, his brothers and no one really knows what to do because he's Justin. and if he hasn't seen Brit for a while, be careful, because that means he's on withdrawl. Even though we all know she fucks around on him. She treats him like dirt, and he treats her like a princess.

JC pulled into himself. Sometimes, just sometimes, the fans or the questions make him laugh, but it's a high pitched giggle that isn't his real laugh. His real laugh is throaty and kinda "ha ha ha"-ish. It's really comforting actually. But I haven't heard that since what seems like forever ago. He's always sitting with a notebook, no doubt writing music or something, or sitting at his keyboard. And when he gets into the studio, watch out, because he's a perfectionist.

Joey is a dad now. And he shows it to all of us. He not only takes care of his little girl, but he does the same thing with the rest of us. JC used to be the worrier, but now it's Joey. It's like the paternal side of him came out and won't go away. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's great. But sometimes, I think he cares too much. He worries too much.

I would love to be able to say that all this hasn't changed me. But I can't. I'm not even James anymore, I don't really know where he went. He's inside me somewhere, and sometimes, my mom says she can see him when I'm working on FreeLance stuff. The business part of me shines all the time now. But I used to be innocent they say. I wish I still was.

We're all jaded now. Chris will probably never love with his whole heart again. Justin probably wants to die with Britney's name on his lips. JC - who the hell knows what JC's into these days. Joey loves his little girl, but sometimes, he shows a little bit of Justin that scares us. A little diva. And I lost my innocence.

When I'm all alone and bored, and decide to go for a nap, I pray that I will dream of a time when we were five best friends who did everything together, who understood each other. Because dreaming is as close as i'll get now.

[end]