I wasn't ever supposed to fall in love. Love made you see things through different eyes. It made you become spontaneous and in some cases irrational. Love interrupted one's silence and its music rang through ears of anyone involved. But most of all, it caused hurt. And I witnessed the hurt first when I was 7 years old. That's how old I was when my mother put on her jacket and said she was never coming back.

I remember sitting on the couch. The cushions were puffy and soft under my fingers. I was reading a book maybe. Or just staring off into space. But I remember my mommy coming into the room and giving me a dolly. She had been beautiful, with red braids and a red dress. Then mommy called daddy into the room as she took her jacket out of the closet. I can't remember what she said to him, I didn't understand it then. But then she came and pulled me off the puffy couch into her arms. I can still smell her sometimes. And she said to me: "Mommy loves you baby." And I remember that her words choked in her throat next: "But I have to go away."

"When are you coming back?" I had asked.

"I'm not baby." And she hugged me again. "Be a good girl for daddy." Then she stood up and got her bag from her room and walked out the door. I looked at daddy; his eyes were red from tears just like mommy's. He hugged me then, and told me he loved me.

For weeks after that, months maybe, my dad didn't sleep. He went to work and came home and sat in the living room. I didn't get it until I was older.

That was when I first saw the pain. But I felt the pain two years later; when my dad died. That was the same time I decided never to fall in love.

The doctors said they didn't know what had caused the heart attack. But I knew it was because mommy didn't love him anymore.

So I went to live with mommy's sister, who hadn't talked to me since before mom had left. Aunt Gladys was older than my mommy by six years. She lived by herself and had a cat named Jupiter. Aunt Gladys let me live with her for 8 years. And not once did she talk to me about my father. When I was 15, I began to hear her talking on the phone with someone whom I thought might be my mother. But not once did Aunt Gladys ask me to the phone. I just existed at Aunt Gladys' house, I didn't matter.

At school, I got the highest marks in all my classes. I didn't belong to any clubs or committees, and I didn't have any friends; except for one.

Her name was Isabelle, and she had the most amazing laugh. She could make me laugh at any time. I spent a lot of time at her house. She had two brothers, one older, one younger and she had two parents and they all lived in a huge house.

One day, when Isabelle dropped me off after school; we were 17 and she had a driver's license and a car; my Aunt Gladys was standing on the stoop of her house. Isabelle waited for me to see what was going on and I ended up going home with my best and only friend.

Aunt Gladys had talked with Isabelle's parents and they had decided that I should move in with them. So I took my clothes and my few possessions to Isabelle's house where I was welcomed with open arms. I got to share a room with Issy, and her brothers made me feel like I was part of the family.

Right after high school, Issy and I decided to leave home. We both had jobs and scholarships to the same university. So we got an apartment just off campus, and while she partied, I studied. She was always bugging me to go out with her and have a good time, but I decided to just exist again.

One day, Isabelle brought two boys home with her. One was named Jacob, the other was called Lukas. I tried to ignore the way Lukas looked at me. I decided that day to be a part of the conversation. So I put aside my books and sat down in the big chair across from Lukas and Isabelle. Jacob was Isabelle's boyfriend. Lukas was Isabelle's cousin. My best friend, in her infinite wisdom, decided that Lukas and I should date. And that's where it all went downhill. One date led to two, and that led to more. The next thing I knew, I was convicating with a major in mathematics and Lukas was asking me to marry him. Stupid me, I said yes.

I should've known that the love thing would get back to me. I should've realized that something bad was going to happen. Lukas loved me too much. And I loved him too. And we were going to have a baby.

But in the fifth month, something went wrong. I got sick and had to stay in bed all the time. Lukas got really worried about the baby and me. And then I had to go stay in the hospital. Lukas took a whole bunch of time off work and stayed with me. His parents came to visit a lot and Issy and her parents and brothers came too.

One day, I passed out all of a sudden. And when I woke up, the baby was gone and Lukas was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said that I was going to die.

I had vowed never to fall in love. I had never wanted anyone to get hurt because of me. And now Lukas has to live without me; only with memories of me and our unborn child. Isabelle lost the sister she never had and her family lost their second daughter.

Now I watch over everyone. I watch my mother and Lukas. I see my dad all the time. I look after Isabelles' children from the clouds.

I feel really bad that I hurt everybody, but now I realize that it's all been for the best. I realize now, that it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.

[end]

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