As a preface to how I’m going to give you information, I will try not to make it boring and as follows “According to modern science, we are new to an old universe. We’ll devote the rest of the textbook to studying evidence that backs this up…” ect., ect., as that might drive you crazy.
Instead? I am going to hopefully be able to make this amusing by writing it “Beth-style”, which as we know, is full of capslock, crazy spelling, random hyper exclamations, and is apt to have some form of comedy in play or poem or short story form.
I’ll try to be gentle at first. Astronomy, even if it is interesting and easy for me now, wasn’t always that easy. Interesting, yes. But definitely not easy. Hell – I started watching shows on astronomy in 11th grade, and I took it in 12th, and was convinced I would pass that class with an A. Nope – I got a C because I didn’t study and I was arrogant. :P Also, I remember it was confusing, the complicated way of explaining, which is why I’ll be trying to make this as fun to learn about as possible. I’m expecting at least a B if not an A in this round of astronomy. ((Also – I am probably going to make my own interjections as such is necessary to mock properly the old views of astronomy, and some of the crazier stuff nowadays.))
I hope you actually ENJOY this. If not, let me know, the lessons will stop. *cuddles* And onto the show.
Our Place In The Universe – Developing Perspective
Well, hello there. My name is Universe, and I’ll be instructing you. Excuse me if I seem a bit worldly, it comes with the package, y’know, being so great and old. But yes, I suppose I should get on with it and give you some general information about astronomy.
Well, first off, there’s the universe, which is quite immense
Superclusters follow next, and galaxy clusters after that make sense
Then we’re down to the Local Group – a big club of galaxies
But there are galaxies who are as single as could be
The Milky Way is in a Local Group of 40 others known
Our group is the second largest around, which really means we own
And after that’s the solar system ((but not Sola System, which is a band))
Which is full of rocks and dust which make all sorts of land
And in that solar system is a planet we call home
Earth it is, and the only planet with life that roams
So there you have it, what you need, done in verse and song
And you have to admit, it was pretty good, and definitely not long
So now that we’ve got that stuff down, it’s time to move to new
Trust me when I say it’s all pretty damn coo’
So let’s move onto motions and matter
I’d say the first is harder than the latter
But I’m just a character in Beth’s brain
So let’s just end this poem’s way
And get right on to the objects play!
Stars: *wave* Hi! We’re big balls of gas that generate heat through nuclear fusion!
Planets: *enter stage left* We are pieces of dust that get crunched together by gravity to fuse into a large object that orbits our star. We’ve got a few different types of composition.
Moon: *enters stage right* I’ll be the one orbiting a planet, although the term satellite is used more to refer to any object orbiting another object.
Asteroids: *drop in from above, stumble, and crash into the ground* Ah, shit. Well, there’s my dramatic entrance. We’re sometimes called minor planets, because we orbit a star. A lot of times, we’re made from planets that were torn apart from collisions or being between two objects with similar gravity.
Comets: *swoosh in dramatically, and then zip out, leaving a faint trail behind them* Actually, it’s in front of us. Our tail is actually in front. We’re made of rocks covered in ice, and we orbit stars too, usually on a highly elliptical path.
*All objects come together and start dancing in circles around each other*
Beth: *mutters something about objects stealing the show* AHEM. I think it might be time to start explaining the units and terms relating to motion?
Sun: *grumbles about being pretty and important*
Beth: Right. I’ll just take over from here, since concepts shouldn’t really have a voice of their own, right?
Sun: And yet you give them voices anyway on your own.
Beth: *pointedly ignores Sun* Moving along. *tapdances in with a top hat* So there’s first the light year, which everyone knows. The distance light travels in a year ((9.46 trillion kilometers)). Then comes an AU, short for astronomical unit. That’s the average distance between the Earth and the Sun ((it’s about 150 million kilometers, and technically, the length of the semi-major axis of Earth’s orbit.)) And finally is a parsec.
Sun: I wouldn’t say that’s a general term.
Beth: Fine, then, I’ll explain it. It’s short for parallax second. Parallax is the apparent shifting of an object against the background, due to seeing it from different positions. So a parsec is the distance of an object with a parallax angle of one arcsecond. I suppose I should explain an arcsecond, huh?
Sun: Yeah, I’d think so.
Beth: There’s 360 degrees in a circle, right? Well, an arcminute is 1/60 of a degree. And an arc second is 1/60 of an arcminute. That’s pretty small, huh? Your thumb held out at arm’s length is about 1 degree.
Sun: So that was pretty complicated for a general term. Anything you left out? Something that has to do with me?
Beth: Yep. Sorry about that. A parsec is equivalent to 3.26 AU. Now, onto the terms relating to motion. You’ve got rotation and revolution.
Moon: VIVA LA REVOLUTION!
Beth: Not that kind, fule. Rotation is the spinning of an object on its axis. And revolution is the orbital movement of one object around another. Basically, to sum up something everyone knows, the Earth rotates once every 24 hours, while revolving around the sun every 365 days.
Earth: Honestly, you’d be shocked to know how many people DON’T know that. At least not in terms of rotation and revolution. And so many who do get them mixed up.
Beth: *warning glare* If you do, I will be forced to cut off your toes.
Earth: *eyes Beth, and inches away from her*
Beth: Where the hell did you come from anyways?
Earth: Just thought I’d pop in to say hi.
Beth: … Righto. Finally, we’ve got expansion.
Earth: You mean like all those people who are getting fatter each year because of corporate restaurants that have spread all across the world?
Beth: … Let’s leave globalization out of this for now, alright? No, I’m talking about of the universe. Basically, we can say the universe is expanding because over time, galaxies are running away from each other.
Galaxy 1: You’re ugly!
Galaxy 2: You’re stupid!
Galaxy 1: *stalks off*
Galaxy 2: *stalks off the other way*
Beth: … Am I the only mature one in this script? But while the universe is expanding, note that the actual galaxies and such are not. Nor the clusters or groups.
Universe: Well, that’s all very interesting, Beth, but how about I sing a little song about what makes up me?
Beth: Take it away, Universe!
Universe: *cues music, puts on spangly dress and sultry makeup* A long, long time ago,
I can still remember how the universe used to be just two
elements of hydrogen and helium
and a trace of lithium
It was nuclear fusion that
created all the elements that we know…
Beth: Ehm, what are you doing?
Universe: Using a classic song to teach!
Beth: … You’re butchering Don McLean.
Universe: No, you are. You’re writing this.
Beth: … I CAN DELETE YOU. I WILL CANCEL THE UNIVERSE IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP.
Universe: … Right. *makes a note to possibly send a meteor crashing into Beth later* Anyways. By the time our galaxy formed, stars had converted about 2% of the original hydrogen and helium into the heavier elements. So our solar system was about 98% hydrogen and helium and 2% of everything else. And that was still enough to make the rocky planets in our solar system. And we evolved out of that. As Carl Sagan used to say, we are “star stuff”.
Beth: *slow clap* Wonderful, wonderful. Get off the stage.
Universe: But I was going to explain how you can never separate space and time when studying me!
Beth: *eyes Universe* Drama Queen.
Universe: Actually, I’m a King.
Beth: But the makeup! The dress!
Universe: Well, it seemed appropriate at the time.
Beth: … *goes off shaking her head* I’m going to need such help after this.
Universe: So when we look at a galaxy, we have to measure its distance. For example, the Andromeda Galaxy is 2.5 million light years away. Since light years are distance, not time, the larger the number of lights years, the further away an object is! So we’re seeing the Andromeda Galaxy on Earth as it looked 2.5 million years ago. But – not only is it a thing of time, but of space. Since it’s about 100,000 light years in diameter, the light we see from the far side left about 100,000 years before the light from the near side. So not only do we see how it looked 2.5 million years ago, but over a time period of 100,000 years.
Beth: *mops her brow* Wow, that’s complicated. So those are big numbers. What else can we make big?
Universe: … And just what are you getting at, missy?
Beth: … I’m not sure where your mind is going, but I was talking about in terms of the scale of our solar system.
Universe: Well… at one ten-billionth of the actual sizes and distances, it would be as such. The sun would be about the size of a grapefruit, while the planets are barely visible dots or up to the size of a marble. Earth is about the size of the ball point in a pen, and located about 15 metres from the sun. But as we all know, the bigger planets are much more widely separated.
Beth: And I know why! *dances excitedly*
Universe: Good grief, did you have sugar?
Beth: Coffee! But gravity is why! They have to be further away or else it would not be good. The asteroid belt is thought to be a planet that was forming between Mars and Jupiter. Because of Jupiter’s gravity and the Sun’s gravity, it got tugged apart eventually! So if the big planets with big gravity were all really close to each other, there would be problems. They’d be tugging each other in and then eventually probably crash or throw each other out of the solar system or get torn apart!
Universe: *winces* Yes, that does hurt a bit when it happens.
Beth: For example, Mars and its moons are gravitationally bound in such a way that eventually, Mars’ gravity is going to pull the moon into it and they will crash.
Phobos and Deimos: *whimper in fear*
Mars: FEAR ME I HAVE POWER.
Beth: But the real thing is that it’s so empty ((space, duh!)). To show the complete orbit of the planets around the sun in the scaled-down size, it would require over a kilometre of space. A kilometre of space for these tiny sized objects.
Universe: Lovely, lovely, get off the stage.
Beth: Touché. But one last thing. In this scale model of the universe, how close is the nearest star? Pluto is 600 meters away, after all. Say you put this model in Washington, D.C. You’d have to go all the way to California for the next nearest star. I won’t even get into the contemplating of the size of our galaxy or universe. It’s so brain-boggling that I couldn’t do it justice.
Universe: Can I do a cosmic calendar? *pulls out a large, custom-made calendar* Okay, so January 1st is the Big Bang-
Beth: Did I have a choice in it?
Universe: *ignores* and in February, the Milky Way forms. But the Earth doesn’t form until September 3rd. September 22nd, there’s early life on earth. December 17th, you’ve got the Cambrian explosion. December 26th, dinosaurs come about. December 30th, they’re GONE. December 31st, at 9 PM, early ancestors of humans began to walk upright. At 11:58 PM, modern humans evolve. 11 seconds ago, the pyramids were first built. A second ago, Kepler and Galileo show that the Earth orbits the sun. And the average college student was born around 11:59:59.95. We were born .05 seconds ago. So in cosmic time, humans are truly nothing.
Beth: Wow. If we’re nothing, how can we know so much about you?
Universe: Moving along to the movement of Earth! Your speed around the axis depends on where you are located. If you live in the North or South pole, you have no real rotation. In Chicago, you’re moving about 1,275 km/hr. Down by the equator, it’s closer to 1,670. Scary, huh?
Earth: Hey, can I interject?
Beth: *mumbles* Please do.
Universe: … OH LOOK A CHANCE OCCURANCE OF AN ASTEROID THAT’S AIMED RIGHT AT YOUR HEAD.
Beth : *shifts a step to the left*
Asteroid : *crashes into stage and leaves a huge hole*
Earth: … So, we’re rotating about 1,000 km/her generally. But we’re also orbiting the sun at over 100,000 km/hr. And in the Milky Way galaxy, guess what? Our solar system is orbiting the center of the galaxy at about 800,000 km/hr.
Beth: *mind breaks*
Solar System: *pants as it races hysterically at these speeds*
Galaxy: *is lazy and watches this*
Universe: HEY! Start rushing away from some other galaxy! Don’t just sit there!
Galaxy: *shuffles to its feet slowly*
Beth: How does it have feet?
Universe: Ah, that mystery, you have yet to figure out yet.
Beth: … So. How about we get away from these blasted numbers and go to the Human Fun of Astronomy.
Universe: Isn’t your boy a philosophy dude?
Beth: Why yes! And he’s smart and handsome and funny and - *is bitchslapped by Universe*
Universe: Honestly, I could care less. But I’m just saying, he probably knows all about astronomy’s history.
Beth: … STFU. There’s NOT much I was going to talk about anyways. But whatever. I’m sure he knows about heliocentric and geocentric theories, and ol’ Copper Knickers and Galileo and such.
Planets: HERESY! HERESY! HERESY!
Universe: Can I do a little summary?
Beth: … Do I have a choice?
Universe: *fixes makeup, adjusts dress*
Beth: *shudders* That’s still a worrying sight.
Universe: So to put it all into context, it goes like this. We orbit the sun in the Milky Way
We’re star stuff and cosmic distances are cra-ha-zay
Beth: *aside* Stretching for it, huh?
Universe: We’re latecomers on a cosmic scale
And we’re moving really fast in a circular trail
So let’s all join in song and dance
For all that came to be by chance!
Creationists: NO IT DIDN’T!
Darwinists: IT EVOLVED BY CHANCE!
Creationists: *bitchslap the Darwinists*
Darwinists: *pull out rocks and start pelting*
Beth: Uh, aren’t the heretics usually the ones stoned?
Universe: … We’ll just close the drapes on this for now, right? *ushers everyone off, stage right*
Righto. Sorry about that. So we’ve learned a bit. I’m Universe, a crossdressing male who enjoys long strolls through time and space – Oh, wait. Sorry, that’s not what I meant to be telling you about. We’ll see what happens next time, right? It’ll be interesting, I can guarantee that!
