Once upon a long, long time ago, a wind rose in a galaxy far, far away, where the Wheel of Time turned and Ages came and passed. In one Age with an apparent identity crises, called the Third Age by some (most), an Age long past, an age yet to come...a trademarked gang of gallant good guys go where no gang of gallant good guys have gone before: Baerlon. [Pause] Okay, so maybe some stray gangs of gallant good guys have accidentally stumbled onto the scene before this particular group did, but THIS gang of gallant good guys are different: They’re staying at the Stag and Lion, the seediest lodging available in Baerlon...

[After checking into the hotel, "Mistress Alys" requests of the innkeeper, Mater Fitch, an update as to the news in Baerlon these days. Whitecloaks and rumors of an Sedai Knight in the city is the only relevant news filtering through Fitch’s mouth. Rand, Mat, and Perrin’s interest in the goings-on in the common room are put on hold as Ara, the bath attendant, leads the group away...]

Rand: So, what’s your name?
Ara: [Muttermuttermuttermutter]
Rand: Is that so? Interesting...so what can you tell me about Baerlon?
Ara: [Muttermuttermuttermutter]
Rand: Huh. I’d never have guessed...So do you hav- 
Ara: You have a funny accent.
Rand: [Gasps] He SPOKE!
Perrin: [Catching sight of the bath chamber and the 12 tall, copper bathtubs arrayed in a circle on the tiled floor, the towels and soap on the stools behind each bath, the big black cauldrons of water and the deep, blazing fireplace, is prompted to say...] Gee! This is almost as good as the Winespring back home!
Thom, Mat, and Rand: [Snicker, snicker]
[Suddenly, from somewhere in the upper realms of the subliminal booms the loud, thumping beat of a the type of song usually associated with a striptease. The torch-light dims, and from the sky appears swirling fluorescent multicolored lights cast by a disco ball and accompanied by a strobe light. The fog machine coughs out a haze covering the floor, and Rand, immediately getting into the groove of it all...]
Rand: [Rips his shirt off, and sling-shots it across the room with a suggestive sounding "Whoo!"] [Unfastens his belt and flings to the other side of the chamber...]
Mat, Perrin, and Thom: [Joining in the strip-show, in unison tear off their shirts, and toss them to the screaming crowd]
[In a matter of minutes, all four have removed their garments and are now relaxing in their individual tubs. The music has dissipated and the regular light returned.] [Ara, suddenly feeling the urge to make a nuisance out of himself...]
Ara: Is there anything else I can get you? More towels? More hot water?
Thom: No thanks. We’re fine.
Ara: Are you sure?! Would you like a bigger tub?? A hotter bath??
Thom: Really, we’re quite alrigh-
Ara: Are you POSITIVE??! Because it’s no trouble for me if you need something more!!
Thom: We’re fine!
Ara: Would you like an eel?? A little goldfish to swim around in your bath??! Would you like a roof over your tub??! Do you want me to build you a shrine???!
THOM: WE’RE BLOODY FINE!
Ara: No, really, though!!! It’s no disruption to my evening if you want me to do ANYTHING for you, ANYTHING AT ALL!! PLEASE!!! Do you want some shampoo?? Bubbles for your bath?? A spatula?? Mayonnaise?? An application form for employment at the Dark side??? An LTT voodoo doll? Some Trollocs?
Mat: Trollocs? 
Rand: [Slams Mat’s forehead with a crowbar] Shh!
Mat: You just let me tell you about Trollocs.
Thom: [Hurls a bar of soap at Mat’s chest] Why don’t you not, you friggin’ plagiarist. 
Mat: What are you talki-?
Rand: [Shoves a pencil up Mat’s nostril] You just don’t tell them as well as Thom does. 
Perrin: [Smashes a bottle over Mat’s head] And you keep adding things. 
Rand: [Clobbers Mat with a printing press] And you get the stories all mixed up, too.
Perrin: [Slugs Mat with a cricket bat] Best leave it to Thom.
Rand: [Wallops Mat with a trout] Yeah, you don’t wanna get anything wrong, now, do you?
Perrin: [Throws his axe at Mat] You might confuse Ara.
Rand: [Cuts Mat’s stomach open] And you might divulge some classified information.
Perrin: [Drives a steam-roller over Mat] You might accidentally give something away!
Rand: [Drops a grand piano on Mat] Something you’re not supposed to!
Mat: [Stares dumbfounded at Rand and Perrin] [Turns to Ara] So anyway, as I was saying about Trollocs-
Lan: [Flings the door open, and slams a thirty-pound mace through Mat’s skull] [Shakes his head] Kids these days...[To Ara] You may leave us now.
Ara: Are you sure?? Do yo-
Lan: LEAVE!
Ara: Leaving! [Leaves]
Lan: [Strips and gets into the tub] Is a bloody lucky thing I came in when I did, sheepherder. Next time you’d better watch your mouth.
Mat: [Feels his skull where Lan smashed the mace] [Quietly] I wasn’t actually gonna tell him anything...

[Upon the completion of their baths, the five men get changed and head out, where Moiraine is waiting for them, with a slender girl who could easily be mistaken for a man. Moiraine whispers something to her, and she turns to each of the men and stares intensely at their foreheads, then walks away.]
Rand: [Staring after Min]
Elton John: [Appearing behind Rand, playing a piano] [Singing] Caaaan you feeeeel the loooove toniiiight...

[Moiraine leads them to a private dining room provided by Master Fitch, where they proceed to eat an entirely uneventful dinner, of which nothing of any importance whatsoever takes place. Rand, being nearly bored to death by the lack of substance in the conversation, retires to his bed...]

[JAWS music plays eerily from above]
Voice-over: Just when you thought it was safe to go back to your bedroom...
Ba’alzamon: [LEAPS out of the shadows of Rand’s head, snapping his jaws wildly]
Rand: AHH!
Ba’alzamon: [Giggly madly to himself] Scaaared you!
Rand: [Recovering his breath] Aw, man...what do YOU want?
Ba’alzamon. Nothin’ much. Just your SOUL! HAHAHA!
Rand: [Looks around the place, and realizes he’s on a balcony. Beyond the gray stone arches is a striated sky of impossible color. The room is curved peculiarly, with odd curves and strange angles. Roaring flames in a fireplace made out of oval stones resembling screaming faces provides no heat, above which hangs a dishonest mirror. A table with several high-backed chairs adorns the centre of the room.]
Ba’alzamon: Wellll....?
Rand: Uh...I’ll have to talk to my agent.
Ba’alzamon: [Censored]! That’s it, you’re DEAD!
Rand: AHHH! [Turns and flings open the door, and runs into the next room. Which, as it turns out, is the same room as the one he just left.]
Ba’alzamon: Hehe. You cannot escape from me so easily!
Rand: [Dives through the door again, which lands him back onto the balcony] [Stands up, brushes himself off, and clears his throat] This is a dream, sir. 
Ba’alzamon: [Shrugs] Maybe, maybe not. Wanna drink? [Hands Rand a goblet]
Rand: [Sniffs the goblet suspiciously] No, thank-you.
Ba’alzamon: [Slams his fist down on the table angrily.] Curse you, boy! Can’t you accept a kind man’s bloody hospitality? 
Rand: [Shakes his head, no]
Ba’alzamon: Then...then...then I’ll just have to resort to insulting yo mama!
Rand: [Gasps]
Ba’alzamon: Yo mama’s so fat, she makes innkeepers looks Christy Turlington!
Rand: You leave my mama outta this, mister, ‘else I’ll have to get my pal Lan on your case!
Ba’alzamon: [Laughs - obviously enjoying this] Yeah? Well, yo mama’s so fat, Dragonmount’s a sand dune comparatively!
Rand: [Ears steaming] Y-you insult my mama again and I’ll be forced to break your bloody flaming back with a trombone!
Ba’alzamon: [Interest having been piqued] So you like broken backs, do you? [Gestures to the table, where a rat is scurrying around aimlessly] [Walks over to the table, and quick a quick and subtle finger movement directed at the rat, the rat screams...]
Rat: Ahhh!! [Censored], Ba’alzamon! You could have picked a bloody inanimate object for your stupid object lesson! [Screams again] Who brought the Robaxacet??
Ba’alzamon: [Breaks the rat’s back]
Rat: [Dies] 
Rand: [Staring at the rat contemplatively] [Shrugs dismissively] Anything can happen in a dream.
Ba’alzamon: Arrrrgh! [Clutches his head in his hands and mutters to himself] This is NOT going the way I had planned...[Straightens up] Then go tell this "dream" to the Sedai Knights, you sniveling pile of phlegm.
Rand: This is a dream, and I am going to wake up.
Ba’alzamon: Will you? Will you indeed? I took the liberty of lacing that little dinner of yours with a generous helping of codeine. It’ll be hours before you wake up, boy.
Rand: [Censored]!
Ba’alzamon: [Disappears]
Rand: [Stares after Ba’alzamon and sighs]
Ba’alzamon: [Ba’alzamon’s departed shape flickers, then materializes into a hazy rendition of himself]
Ba’ableson: [To Rand] Is this Larry Homer’s "Eye Scream Of The World"? I have an appointment. 
Rand: [Points down the hall] Reception is that-a-way...

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Rand: [Finally waking up, after being forced to wander Tel’Aran’Rhiod for hours as he waited for the codeine to wear off] [Yawns and stretches, gets changed and meanders downstairs to the kitchen to try to swipe some grub.]
Sara the Cook: [Confronting Master Fitch] So my cat’s a sadist, is that what you’re saying??! 
Master Fitch: I-I-I-I...
Sara: I’ll show YOU sadist, you steaming heap of regurgitated cheese! [Grabs Master Fitch by the arms, and power-slam’s him to the ground.]
Master Fitch: [Mooooan...]
Sara: Cirri gets off on snapping the vertebrae of small rodents, and, what? You find that offensive??! [Hurls Master Fitch against the back wall.]
Master Fitch: [Hits the back wall face-first, and, plastered to the wall, slides slowly onto the floor.] [Groooooan...]
[Back by popular demand, six disheveled goons appear in the doorway, lurking in the shadows and leering at the brawlers...]
Goon #1: Is that what I think it is?
Goon #2: If you’re thinking what I’m thinking you’re thinking it is, it is.
Goon #1: So it’s a giant headless albatross doing a jig?
Goon #2: I think so.
Goon #3: I say we eat it.
Goon #4: We can’t.
Goon #5: How come?
Goon #6: It’s not real.
Goon #5: Let’s cook it.
Goon #4: With what?
Goon #3: Me.
Goon #2: Goons don’t have thermostats.
Goon #1: Yes they do.
Goon #2: Since when?
Goon #3: Thursday.
Goon #2: Oh.
Goon #4: [Pauses] So who brought the kite?
Goon #5: What do we need a kite for?
Goon #4: Cooking.
Goon #5: Oh.
Goon #6: I didn’t bring it.
Goon #4: That’s good.
Goon #3: Don’t we need it?
Goon #4: Nope.
Goon #3: [Pauses] Then why is she beating him like that?
Goon #2: He said something about llamas.
Goon #6: Llama’s with gills?
Goon #2: Nope. Llama’s with thrombosis.
Goon #1: Like this :::? 
Goon #2: Naturally.
Goon #1: Interesting...
Voice-over: Conclusively, the scene was officially declared "like, SO last week..."
[Meanwhile, Sara has beaten an extremely apologetic Master Fitch to bloody pulp...]

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Rand: [Having overheard from Master Fitch and Sara’s worthwhile argument about the rats’ broken backs, opens the door to the common room and slumps down against the wall, and sighs. A familiar voice reaches his ears, and he looks up - it’s Thom! He’s...standing on a table in the middle of the room, reciting in a slurred speech a story concerning a parade in Illian and something about a horn...]
Rand: [Shakes his head.] Thom’s drunk again...[Gets up tiredly and wanders upstairs.] [Raps on Perrin’s door...] [Rips Perrin’s door of its hinges, and stands on it.] 
Rand: Yo, homes, wassup, just chill
I hear that yo feelin’ relatively ill
Just checkin’ up, hope ya feelin’ okay
So grab da mic, homeboy, and seize da day.

Perrin: I can’t sleep bruddah ‘cuz I had a bad dream
Sumptin’ actin’ funny like it ain’t what it seem
A man on a balcony with a propensity to rats
Breakin’ their backs...to da max!

Rand: [Turns to Pablo] Jeez, that was corny...
Pablo: I’m sorry...it had to be done.
Rand: [Sighs]
Perrin: So do you think Rand had the same dream?
Chambermaid: [Wandering past with her arms full of sheets, looks at the boys with an expression of concern after just catching the tail end of their conversation...] It’s called puberty, boys.
Perrin: No, not that, you stup-
[But she was gone]
Perrin: [Sighs]
Rand: That’s it. I’m leaving. And you’d better get used to this treatment, or else liven up a little for the next few episodes. You’re the epitome of tedium, you know.
Perrin: [Sighs]
Rand: See what I mean?
Perrin: [Sighs]
Rand: I’m going now. [Puts his jacket on and walks out the door.
Perrin: [Sighs]

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Rand: [Sighs] 
[Rand exits the inn, continues down the alley, and steps onto the street]
Massive Crowd: [TRAMPLE TRAMPLE TRAMPLE]
Rand: Aaaaah! [Dives out of the way] [Sighs] [And wanders wearily back to the Inn...]
Soundtrack: Can’t get no saaaatisfaaaact-shuuuuun...
Rand: [Wiping his feet dejectedly on the welcome mat, and stumbles dully back into the Inn, slumps down in a nearby chair...]
Low, Woman’s Voice: Is that a HeronSabre in your scabbard or are you just happy to see me?
Rand: [Startled, jumps to his feet and turns to face the speaker, only to find...the short-haired girl who was with Moiraine!] I am. I-I-I mean it’s not. No! That’s...uh...because I meant...No! Uh...um...what I...It’s not a...I mean I’m not, but...It’saHeronSabre. [Slaps himself on the forehead with the palm of his hand.] I mean what I meant I’m not happy to see you. Aagh! I mean...I meant I didn’t mean that I was not NOT happy to see you either I mean it IS a HeronSabre but I AM happy to see you TOO.
Short-Haired Girl: [Grinning] You’re Rand, aren’t you? My name’s Min.
Rand: I’m Rand.
Min: [Eyeing Rand rather quizically] Yes, I think I just said that...So what trouble is there downcountry that would have a shepherd carrying a HeronSabre?
Rand: I’m not in any trouble...What makes you think I’m in trouble? I mean, trouble such as Trollocs attacking us on Winternight and things like that? There none of that...nope, none at all. No trouble. It’s quiet. Only sound you can hear is cows chewin’ their cud and sheep bleating. Yup. No Trollocs, either. None at all. 
Min: Yeah...right. Moiraine didn’t tell me everything, but I see what I see...
Rand: Who’s Moiraine? I don’t know anybody named Moiraine! [Pauses, and stares at Min suspiciously...] And just what do you mean by "see"...?
Min: Oh...right. I guess I forgot to tell you. I have a idiosyncratic elemental capability which bequeaths upon me the powers to see premonitory auras above people’s heads which prognosticates consequential events in their prospective futures.
Rand: Simple as that, eh?
Min: Yup.
Rand: I don’t understand.
Min: I see pieces of the Pattern.
Rand: Do you see anything about rats? Or dreams?
Min: [Grinning evilly] Nooo...
Rand: [Slowly edging around her] I...have to go. I have to meet...uh...meet my friends.
Min: Go then! Go, but you won’t escape! YOU CAN’T ESCAPE FROM ME!!!! HAHEHEHAHAHAHA!
Rand: Betcha I can... [Darts away, back outside and into the streets.] [Sighs a sigh of relief, and spontaneously decides to go for a walk, idly wondering why Robert Jordan decided to include these incredibly boring events in the book, anyway...] Nothing exciting ever happens around here... 
Pablo: [Snickers]
Rand: [Rounds a corner...]
Bony Little Man With Long Arms And A Big Nose: [Shoves hurriedly through the crowd in clothes that look like a bundle of rags.] [Eyes sunken and his dirty face is gaunt, as if he hasn’t slept in days.]
Rand: Gee, I could swear...[And just to prove his point] [Censored censored censored]!!!!!
Bony Little Man With Long Arms And A Big Nose: [Sees Rand, and freezes in mid-step...]
Rand: [Immediately recognizing the face] Master Fain!! We all thought you were-
Padan Fain: [Darts away into the crowd]
Rand: [Begins the chase...] 

[From the sky booms an electrifying car-chase scene tune, bass-thumping, edge-of-your-seatish type of music.]

Rand: [Scrambles roughly through the crowd, and upon gaining clearance from the teeming mob, intensifies his pursuit.]
Fain: [Runnin’ like a bat outta hell...skids to a halt on the gravel, and dives into a back alley.]
Rand: [Nearly missing the alley, quickly realizes his error and hastens after Fain...]
Fain: [Recognizing the alley as a dead-end, backs up, then RUNS, and, using a garbage can as a boost, LEAPS up and grabs onto a drainpipe and shimmies up onto the roof...]
Rand: [Curses angrily as he watches Fain’s form disappear onto the roof, but quickly grasping the concept of Fain’s ascent, with the assistance of a garbage can, also LEAPS up and grabs onto the drainpipe and shimmies up onto the roof. The chase continues...]
Fain: [Panting in exhaustion but persisting in his retreat, barely notices a 20 foot drop to the streets and takes a hesitant hurdle over the alley and onto the other roof...]
Rand: [Tuckered out yet resolute, without hesitation SPRINGS over the alley-way where Padan Fain had faltered, stumbles upon landing, but immediately regains his balance and races after the fugitive...]
Fain: [Coming to the end of the strip of buildings and realizing that there ain’t no such thing as a safe descent, times his jump off the roof to the passing of horse-carriage, and lands clumsily on the back. Sighing in relief to a misconception of safety, gets the shock of his life when...]
Rand: [Comes flailing out of the sky and CRASHES through the roof of the horse-carriage.] FAIN! We thought you were dead! We thought the Trollocs had gotten you...
Fain: [Startled yet too tired to resist Rand’s questioning.] Me? Padan Fain? Eaten by Trollocs?! PAAH! Padan Fain knows which way to jump and where to land.
Rand: Yeah, I noticed...
Fain: [Breaking into tears] They burned my wagon and stole my goods and butchered my horses...and...and...[Is forced to conclude his ramblings due to hysteria...]
Rand: It’s alright, Master Fain. Your horses are okay, they’re in Master al’Vere’s stable, and you can get them any time if you come back to the Two Rivers with my and my friends and Moiraine and...
Fain: Aaaaah! She’s...she’s a Sedai Knight! [Suddenly gets up and DIVES out of the wagon, tumbles onto the street, and darts away...]
Rand: [Censored]! [Jumps out of the cart and resumes his chase.]
[The music starts up again...]
Rand: [Spies the edge of a ragged cloak disappear around a corner...] [Wheeling madly around the corner, catches out of the corner of his eye the same cloak disappearing around another bend....he charges maniacally after the cloak, then suddenly...]
[WHAMMO!]
Rand: [Slumps to the ground clutching his head.]
Mat: [Already slumped on the ground clutching his head.] [Grooans...] Can’t you bloody watch where you’re going?!
Rand: [Mooooan...]
Mat: Hey, guess who I just saw!
Rand: Padan Fain.
Mat: Padan Fa - How did you know??!
Rand: I was chasing him, when suddenly...]
[WHAMMO!]
Rand: [Slumps to the ground clutching his head.]
Mat: [Already slumped on the ground clutching his head.] [Grooans...] Can’t you bloody watch where you’re going?!
Rand: [Mooooan...]
Mat: Hey, guess who I just saw!
Rand: Padan Fain.
Mat: Padan Fa - How did you know??!
Rand: I was chasing him, when suddenly...]
[WHAMMO!]
Rand: [Slumps to the ground clutching his head.]
Mat: [Already slumped on the ground clutching his head.] [Grooans...] Can’t you bloody watch where you’re going?!
Rand: [Mooooan...]
Mat: Hey, guess who I just saw!
Rand: Padan Fain.
Mat: Padan Fa - How did you know??!
Rand: I was chasing him, when suddenly...]
Mat: OKAY!! Enough, already! Jeez...
Rand: C’mon, let’s go back to the Inn.

[As the two are just about to enter the Inn, an incredibly rushed Perrin appears, speeding at a breakneck velocity.] [Nearly kills himself as he slams on the brakes trying to avoid a collision with his two friends.]
Perrin: [Scared] RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! FLEE TO THE HILLS!! ESCAPE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!! YOUR DESTRUCTION IS IMMINENT!!!!
Rand: Perrin, what’s wrong?!
Perrin: Must I elaborate further?!! YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE!!!
Mat: What are you talking about, weirdo?
Perrin: NYNAEVE IS INSIDE!!!!!!!
Mat and Rand: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! [Their screams fade into the darkness in synchrony with the screen...]
 

Voice-over: And upon this note, we leave you in utter suspense, awaiting the next episode in undivided anticipation and incertitude. And now for a commercial break!

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Intense-sounding voice-over: This summer, WOTBC is bringing you THE television event of the century....a never-before-experienced production that will leave you breathless...THE MYDRAAL OLYMPICS, LIVE on WOTBC! 
Voice-over: Encounter the thrill of the 100-Yard-Lurch!
[Scene: Nine eyeless Myrdraal stumbling blindly around a track] 
Voice-over: Feel the excitement of the javelin toss!
[Scene: Myrdraal running down a grassy field clutching a spear, and HURLing it through the air...The spear strikes a referee in the chest and pins him to the grass as he shrieks in pain.]
Voice-over: Watch in fascination as the Myrdraal rowing event unfolds!
[Scene: Six Myrdraal in a kayak, rowing with total lack of constraint or synchronization. The kayak tips over...]
Voice-over: All this summer, on WOTBC! ...BE THERE!
[WOTBC logo appears on screen out of a triumphant explosion of fireworks, then screen fades to black.]
SFX: [Javelin whistling through the air] [THUNK!] [Hysterical screaming] [Raucous Myrdraal laughter]

Elmer Fudd: Th-Th-Th-Th...That’s all, folks!

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Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / WheelWars