The story so far: Our party, consisting of Lan, Thom, Rand, Mat and Perrin have escaped from the WOT musical world beyond the portal stone only to gain Fred Saberhagen, loose Selene, and meet three decidedly strange Aielmen. They still haven't been tattooed!

Mat: (mid conversation with Aielman#1) And so I wriggled my lttle finger at her, and she walked upto me, doing that raising-one-eyebrow thing that they do...
Aiel#1: You're wight! They do waithe one eybwow, don't they?
Mat: ...yeah, and I said to her "If I come make you come with just my little finger, think what I can do with the rest of me!
Aiel#2: You DIDN'T, mackerel?
Mat: I did, and y'know what she did?
Aiel#3: Sner... Sner... Sner.... Sniffed?
Mat: Yes!
Perrin: I always remeber the chat up line I used on Faile that time.
Thom: What was that?
Mat: He went up to her and said "I came here to find a miserable old strop and chew gum.... but I'm all out of gum."
Perrin: I never (BLEEP)ing did. I said "Did you bruise your wings when you fell from Heaven?"
Lan: (mimes putting fingers down his throat) UUUuuugh!
Thom: She certainly bruised something. Her charm, maybe?
Perrin: She's not that bad! She's just.... clingy.
Lan: So are tapeworms, I've heard.
Mat: Yeah, and they're a pain in the ass too!
Perrin: Well, if you're gonna be like that... (storms off on his own)
Rand: I just wish I knew where Selene has got to.
Thom: Why's that, my boy?
Rand: Hmm? Er... curiosity, that's all. Just wondering, and that. (blush)
Lan: Now there's a fine woman
Fred: Solid as....
Everyone: SHUTTUP, FRED!
Thom: Yes indeed. Why, I'd give myself to Lanfear just for a night with Selene.
Rand: Y'know there's something very odd about that sentence.
Lan: Yes, Darkhound thought he'd try a joke based on irony, rather than innuendo.
Aiel#1: Iwony! Iwony! Ahahaha! Vewy good, yeth.
Aiel#2: The irony of that statement, herring, is that he doesn't know what irony is, tuna.
Mat: If I could have Selene for a night, I'd do it rodeo style!
Aiel#1: Wodeo style?
Mat: Yeah. They get down on all fours, and you grab'em from behind. Take a firm hold of their breasts, then say "Ooh, they're not as firm as your sister's!" Then hang-on for dear life!

[Everyone falls about laughing.]

Selene: (suddenly appearing from the shadows) And you think you'd wake up in the same bed as your dangly bits? (raises one eyebrow, sniffs, and would have tugged her braid, had she got one.)
Mat: Selene! I was... that is... I didn't... PERRIN, WAIT FOR ME! (displays proof of the ONE and only thing men know about woman for certain - when it's a good time to run away from them)
Rand: Selene! Your back!
Selene: What about it? (looking over her shoulder)
Rand: No, I meant: You are back! as in you have returned!
Aiel#1: Well, Hewo there my pwitty one.
Aiel#2: Now, I would love to drink your bathwater, sprat!
Aiel#3: Wer... Wer... Where her.. her.. her.. have you ber... ber... been all mer.. mer... my ler... ler... life?

[Selene doesn't raise an eyebrow, instead she points at it as if to say "I'm not gonna waste a perfectly good eyebrow raise on the likes of you]

Rand: Selene, Where have you been?
Selene: To *finnland!
Rand: What, the country east of Sweden? (snorts)
All men: (snort) (except Fred who says "Solid.")
Aiel#1: (demonstrating the manly art of stretching a poor joke even thinner) You mean the countwy to the north west of Wussia?
Selene: (looks around puzzled) What's that noise? I know, it's the sound of my sides splitting apart with mirth, that's what it is. (Heavy Sarcasm)
Lan: (leans over to Rand) Darkhounds really on top of this episode. That's sarcasm and irony in one post, plus he's got Selene back for the innuendo, got rid of Perrin for a while because he's dull, and Mat will probably get in some sort of trouble ready for next episode! Any minute now, he'll make Fred say "Solid" just for the sake of it....
Fred: Solid...
Lan: .....told you! Shut up Fred.
Selene: Anyway, that blonde phsycho dwarf woman bundled me into that doorway, and we fought, but the foxes came along and seperated us. For some reason, they didn't want to savour my experiences, something about "not wanting to know any part of a mind created by Darkhound" whatever that means. So, I came here! To be with my most favourite, hunkiest, sexiest, man.
Rand: (blush) Aw, gee Selene, you're not so bad yourself!
Selene: Don't flatter y'self, loser. I'm talking about Fred.
Rand: FRED?
Lan: FRED?
Thom: FRED?
Aiel#1: FWED?
Aiel#2: FRED, LOBSTER?
Aiel#3: Fer.. Fer... Fer... FRED?
Fred: ME?
Selene: Yes, Fred!
Rand: But why, Selene?
Selene: I'll show you! (she walks up to Fred, and puts a hand on his crutch) Now, that IS solid as a steel blade. And I'm sure it'll leave me glowing with true magic! Come on Freddy baby, let's get out of this post!
Fred: See ya guys. Binalot of fun.
Rand: Yeah, solid.

[long pause]

Lan: But this doesn't explain what happened to Moraine......

Meanwhile:

*finn#1: Go on, do it again.
Moraine: No.
*finn#1: Oh please, please, please, please.....
*finn#2: Yeah, please, please, please, please....
Moraine: ALRIGHT ALREADY! (mutters) Of all the things an Aes Sedai has to put up with... Okay, watch now. This is the last time, and then I really have to go.

[She channels and music starts up in the background. Some words are being sung, but no one can make out the strang gutteral language. Moraine is moving very strangely, extending her left arm, then her right, then touching her shoulders, then her hips, all the while the gibberish and the music reaches a crescendo....]

All *finns: HEY, MACARENA!
[Moraine leaps in the air and turns 90 degrees to start over again]
Moraine: (to herself) So at least I've learnt why you mustn't make music here.

Back to rhuidean.....Mat runs into the camp

Mat: COME QUICK, IT'S PERRIN!
Rand: What's he done?
Mat: No time! Quickly, follow me!

[They oblige him. He leads them to the crystal columns, and points. In the centre, the shaggy form of Perrin can just be seen]

Thom: Light, someone help him!
Rand: I'll go, I've been in before. I know I'm safe!
Lan: Quickly Rand!

[Rand passed into the columns. Time passes, as time has a habit of doing if you don't keep an eye on the bugger. Eventually Rand appears, dragging Perrin behind him.]

Rand: (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP) of a son of a (BLEEP)!
Mat: What's a matter, Rand?
Rand: Look at this! Look at it!

[He holds up his fists. Across one knuckle is written "L O V E". Across the other is written "H A T" Mat: Love and ......hat?]

Rand: One more minute! Just one more minute, and it would of been fine. But Perrin wouldn't have survived!
Perrin: (looks down his shirt) Oh light no. Oh creator help me. Oh (BLEEEEEEP) IT!
Mat: Wassamatta?
Perrin: Look. (rips open shirt)

[On Perrin's chest is tattooed a large pink heart with a single phrase inside The phrase reads "BERELAIN 4 EVER"]

Mat: Oh boy.... (chuckle) are YOU in the brown stuff!

To be continued...

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / Lan's Stag Party