Well, so I said "No more Stag Party". And I have been true to my word.But see, Christmas is upon us (and I wish the bugger would get off us, I really do) and we've finally all got Path of Daggers, and... well, it's kinda my aniversary, celebrating one whole year on-line (and if I said it's been one hell of a year, it would be an understatement). So I thought, well sod it, a one-off Stag Party special wouldn't kill me, although you lot might when you see the puns.

So without further pre-amble, here it is: Stag Party, the christmas special. Oh yeah, I forgot.... if you are offended easily, you should hit "back" now. You have been forewarned.....

******************************************************

It was dark. Not the darkness you get in a room without light - that's just your plain ol 'absence of light' kind of darkness. This darkness had a quality of thickness, a texture like soup. This was the kind of darkness that is long experienced at being absolutely dark, suffering no interuptions from any little upstart rays of light. It was darkness that did it for a living, and was among the best in it's field. A fully fledged associate member of the association of real quality darkness. We are talking about profession darkness, here. The kind of darkness that....

Lan: *cough* Thanks Hound, I think we have established it's very dark here.

Oh, yeah... um, okay. So... It was dark. And silent. But not for long.

Perrin: Kick it again, Thom.
Thom: Young wolf, this is a portal stone. I don't think kicking it anymore is going to help us.
Perrin: So we are stuck here in this... this void? In this nether-world between worlds?
Thom: Until Rand regains his wits and channels at this stone yes.
Perrin: But it's so dark and cold and inhospitable. Where the hell is this anyway?
Thom: Likely, we're outside the pattern. You've seen that place where Rand goes skimming? I think we're at the bottom of that place
Mat: I think we're inside Nynaeve's heart. *snicker*
Lan: Shut your face Mat. It's your fault we're stuck here anyway.
Mat: Me? I didn't know Rand was gonna smoke the whole joint himself, or I wouldn't have loaded it so heavily!
Thom: *sigh* Any sign of life Selene?
Selene: No, he's still out for the count guys. Maybe we could... OUCH! Which of you buggers just tweaked my nipple?
Mat: Sorry Selene, I was looking for a light-switch. *grins in the dark*
Kerish: *lurk*
Lan: Look, I think it would be a good idea if we all just stay here, calm down, and wait for Rand to return from happy land.
[suddenly, a feint light appears, eminating from a light bulb that appears above Lan's head]

Lan: Whoa... what the...
Selene: Hey you had a good idea and made a light-bulb appear above your head! Quick everyone, have some good ideas!
Perrin: I think.... I think... it's a good idea for mathematicians to use the Logarithm method of contraception.
[a bulb appears above Perrin]

Thom: It would be a good idea for Microsoft to invent an Operating System that says "Your application has caused a general protection fault, but hey don't worry, I am fixing the problem, and will finish your document for you myself, by way of an apology, sorry for the inconvenience, meanwhile here is some soothing music and a picture of Lara Croft doing gymnastics".
[Thom gets a really huge lightbulb for that]

Selene: It would be a damn good idea for David Hasselhoff and Celine Dion to fall in a deep hole filled with acid.
[Selene gets the biggest lightbulb, and the area is getting really well lit up. So much so that is reveals a deer with no eyes]

Deer: Sorry, no eye-deer here.
Mat: I think it would be a good idea to tie a piece of buttered bread to the back of a cat, buttered side up, drop it off a roof, and see which way up it would land.
[Mat gets a bulb too. The dark recedes* to reveal Rand sitting against the portal stone with a grin on his face and a far away look in his eyes**]

*it receded grudgingly. It has a certain reputation after all.
** This is a state more commonly known as "Being from Holland"

Perrin: Good! We have light now. And look, Rand is coming round!
Rand: oooooohhhhhh my head what happened has anyone got any food what day is it and generally why?
Thom: Welcome back Rand! *he helps Rand to his feet* Now, can you channel at the stone and get us out of here?
Rand: *examines his tongue with his fingers* Hmmm? Oh, sure, I guess. Lets have a look...
[Just then a faint noise is heard, slowly building in volume...]

wwwwhhhoooOaaAaaaAAAAEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOSSHHHHHIIIITTTTTT!

[Suddenly, an Aiel Maiden falls from the sky, landing on Rand, knocking him insensible again. See I told you the Aiel who fell off the skimming platform still had a part to play....]

Maiden: Whooohooo!! Oh baby! What a buzzzz! I've been falling for like, four and a half books! Has anyone see the Caracarn?
Mat: Uh... you're sitting on him.
Maiden: Huh? *looks down* Ack! Caracarn? Caracarn? Can I have another go? can I can I can I can I?
Lan: *head in hands* Oh just great...

~meanwhile~

[Nynaeve, Elayne, Birgitte and Aviendha are hunched outside Egwene's door, listening]

Elayne: Can you hear anything? I think it's gone quiet again.
Nynaeve: *sniff* What is the fool girl doing? *tug*
Birgitte: Yes, it has gone silent.
Elayne: Ouch! Avi, you stood on my toe.
Aviendha: Elayne, that was bad of me. I must kill myself immediately.
Elayne: Don't be ridiculous Avi.
Kerish: *lurk*
Aviendah: But... I have toe to you..
Elayne: It's okay really. It didn't even hurt that much.
Aviendah: Well, can I feel bad about myself for half a book?
Elayne: *sigh* If you must.
Nynaeve: *sniff* *tug* Will you two shut up? I think I can hear something!
Elayne: Yes... you're right Nynaeve.... listen!
[The girls go quiet as a soft buzzing noise is heard]
Elayne: I don't understand it. That TerAngreal of mine she borrowed was a failed one! Didn't even work properly!
Aviendha: Yes near-sister. It was too long, and thin, and tapered at one end.
Birgitte: With those weird grooves down the side...
Elayne: Exactly! And when you channel into it, all it does is vibrate! What use is that!
Nynaeve: *sniff* *tug* And make that fool buzzing noise. *sniff*
Aviendha: And why does she keep mentioning the Light?
Elayne: Oh I know. Sort of "Light, light, oh light, oh yes, oh.... oh.. light, OH!" Just like that.
Nynaeve: *sniff*

[Behind the door, the buzzing goes up a level, and Egwene giggles...]

~meanwhile~

Portal Stone: Give us an 'F'!
everyone: *bored tone* F...
Stone: Give us an 'L'!
everyone: L...
Stone: Give us an 'I'!
everyone: I...

[...a little later...]

Stone: ...Now give us an R!
everyone: *sigh* R...
Stone: What have you got!
Everyone: *insipid tone* Flicker...

[flicker, flicker, flicker, flicker... The Party finds itself in a green and verdant land..]

Perrin: Where are we? This isn't Randland.
Thom: It seems.... kind of familiar somehow.

[a sudden voice is heard behind them...]
Hey homeboys! Sup? Sappenin? Man, y'all must have a deathwish...
[they turn around to find themselves surrounded my a party of 3ft tall men with hairy feet]
Lan: Hobbits? Oh no....
Frodo: Yeah, we is Ho'bits. An you, you lanky mo fo, in on our patch! *pats baseball bat in one hand*
Rand: Look, we didn't come here looking for trouble.
Frodo: Well homey, y'all has trouble now. Everyone knows not to mess with da shire-boys.
Thom: You are their leader?
Frodo: Damn you ass, of course I am! I am Snoop Frody Fro, the meanest bad-ass ho'bit you ever did see. This... *motions and another broad hobbit, trimming his nails with a flick-knife comes forward* ... is Sam 'the blade' Gamgee. And y'all gonna git brown pants when you see MC Meriodoc *Merry steps forward waving knuckle dusters* and LL Cool Peregrin.. *Pippin holds back his cloak to reveal a sawn-off shotgun... a very sawn-off one*
Mat: This is too weird, Rand. Get us out of here.
Frodo: *fingers his ring* Ya'll got sent down here by them Stoors, huh? Or Bad Ass Bombadillo, on the hunt for our magic mushrooms?
Thom: Mat's right, Rand. This is just too weird. Look, he keeps fingering his ring!
Selene: oooh, he can finger my....
Rand: Selene! *sigh* Okay, hang on... *channels*
Snoop Frodey Fro: Hey! Y'all get your mo fo chicken asses back here!
Rand: Here we go!
Kerish: *lurk*

[flicker, flicker, flicker, flicker]

Thom: Thank the Light! That was a terrible section of story. Where are we?
Lan: *looking behind them* Oh no.... oh no this is bad.
[They turn around, to see a man in tartan trousers, leopard print shirt, and wild blonde hair]
Mat: *snort* Rod Stewart?
Rod: Aye. Do ya think I'm sexy?
Selene: Oooh Rod, I do. *giggle*
[Rand sits down and closes his eyes, still feeling a little worse for wear]
Rod: Wake up Randy, I really got something to say to you.
Rand: *opens eyes* Hmmm? Rod Stewart? What the....
Rod: Yes! I am all done with Sailing, and I have come to claim you all as my slaves!
Thom: *aside* I just know I can work out the pun here... *thinks*
Mat: Slaves?
Rod: Yes! You will come with me and serve me and Mr Steiger now!
Thom: *clicks fingers* I got it! You are one of the Nine Rods of Dominion!
Rod: *sigh* Well finally... please don't mention that Hound could only think of two of us.
Lan: *groans* Oh that is bad....

~meanwhile~

Moiraine: Look, let me go now would you?
finns: No!
Moiraine: Aw c'mon guys. I sung all the songs I know. I taught you to moonwalk, macarena, lambada, and even do the shag.
finns: Shag!
Moiraine: I have nothing left to teach you! I am needed out there!
finns: Teach us one thing more, and you may leave.
Moiraine: *sigh* Okay, one last thing. What do you want?
finns: We want..... we want...
A finn at the back: A shrubbery!
finns: No, not a shrubbery, dammit. *one finn goes forward and whispers in Moiraine's ear*
Moiraine: *grimace* Are you sure? I can make manage a shrubbery easily you know.
finns: Give!
Moiraine: *sigh* okay dammit.
[She signals to the hidden Maestro... music begins]

Moiraine: High on a hill lived a lonely goat herd...
finns: YODEL-DODEL-LODEL-ODEL-LAY-HEE-HOO!
Moiraine: *sob*
Kerish: *lurk*

~meanwhile~

[flicker, flicker, flicker.... the party appear knee deep in snow...]
Lan: Well? Where are we? Or don't I want to know?
Mat: Hang on, lemme get out the script. *rustle, crinkle, rustle* Hmm, apparently, this is a world where due to an editorial error, RJ's 'evil' doesn't parody Satan, but rather Santa.
Rand: Santa?
Mat: Yep. Or the Red One as he is known here. We are quite close to Shayol Grotto!
Thom: And the forsaken?
Mat: *rustle rustle* Er... here it is. The Forsken: 13 of the most powerful elves, pixies and reindeer that went over to Santa during the age of legends. Among them are Asmodingle, Moghebelle, Rudolf, Donner, and Blitzen.
Rand: Hmmm, we must get out of here before he sleighs us all.
Thom: Yes, Yule not be wanting to stay round here.
Kerish: *lurk*
Lan: It's too late! We are surrounded!
[there is the sound of jingle bells, and in the gloom, a red nose glows malvolently]

Perrin: Rudolf! Oh light, we are betrayed!
Selene: *blush* Look I'm sorry guys, I been meaning to tell you... I am... a... a... Festive Friend.
Mat: What? Selene, how could you! After all we've been through.
Rand: Selene, come back to us! It is said that "No-one can walk so long in the... festive snow, that they can't return to the... gritted path of the Light"
Selene: It's too late... *goes pale* The Red One.... he comes....
Santa: THREE GARDEN IMPLEMENTS!
Rand: uh.. sorry?
Santa: HOE HOE HOE
Rand: Ah okay.
Santa: HAVE YOU ALL BEEN GOOD BOYS AND GIRLS?
Mat: Yes, we have! *smiles excitedly*
Santa: YOU HAVE? *raises an eyebrow* THEN... YOU WILL DIE!
Mat: *gulp*
Rand: I can't channel here! The Red One has me shielded!
Lan: We are all doomed!
Thom: Oh, who can save us!

[Suddenly, a familiar voice echos defiantly across the snowy wastes]

Percy: Yooohoooo! Thanta! I thuggestht you leathe the Thtag Party alone! Unless you want to anther to ME? *giggles, claps excitedly*

To be continued.... not. *g*

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / Lan's Stag Party