If ignorance is bliss, why are presidential candidates so unhappy?

If the opposite of con- is pro-, what is the opposite of progress? Constitution?

The voices.  Why, oh why the voices?

When Sting dies, will everybody call him Stung?

If extra-terrestial life doesn't exist, won't we get bored soon?

If extra-terrestial life does exist, why would they want to meet us?

If gravity effects all matter, shouldn't a particle of light approaching a black hole speed up beyond the speed of light?

If your voting could really change things it would be illigal.

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?

It may be my sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

It's a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.

If marraige was outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.

Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

Gargleing twice a day is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Somedays it's just not worth knawing through the straps.

Money does grow on trees, it's just that the bank owns all the branches.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

It's not whether you win or lose but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you.

We are all born naked, wet, and hungry. . . then things get worst.

Police station toilet seat stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.

God grant me the serinity to accept what I can not change, Teh courage to change those that I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people who piss me off along the way.

Instant Human (Just Add Coffee)

The more I learn about terrorrism the more I understand the phone companies.

The latest studies show three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

Talk is cheep because the supply exceeds the demand.

US Congress
100 Senators
435 Representatives
No clues

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

     My cat was on a roll this morning. There's toilet paper from one end of the house to the other.

     Hey, I may be lazy, I may be weird, I may even be a little deranged, but Mr. Rogers still likes me just the way I am.

    And a recent survey shows that recent surveys aren't always all that recent.

     You get to know people by their aromas. The receptionist is Chanel .... the boss is Old Spice .... (Jock) is scratch-and-sniff.......

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

Would the Standing Committee please sit down?

43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are commited.

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

 |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago....

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?

Improve mail delivery... mail the posties their pay!!

Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.

Old is always fifteen years older than I am.

I am the root of some evil... send some money.

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!!!!!

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.

Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.

Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.

Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victor.

After four decimal places, nobody cares.

One good turn gets all the blankets.

Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

War never decides who is right, only who is left.

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.

Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.

A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

Support the right to arm bears.

We do precision guesswork.

My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

Don't let school interfere with your education.

'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.

Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Make a speech interesting, say: I stand here before you to look behind you to tell you of something I know nothing about.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.