Why can't I think like a machine?

Never worrying about what happens next, just going after facts and knowing what will happen if I add nitro and corn starch?

Sometimes I feel like life makes no sense and that's nonsense as well. I don't know why I get up every morning to face a whole day of waiting, pushing, shoving, and trying to make sense of the people who say they know what I'm thinking.

How can they know what I'm thinking, I don't even know what I'm thinking.

Why am I writing this? Maybe it's the overwhelming urge to type, or the need to empty my mind and type something without really conciously thinking about what I'm typing.

That's what I'm doing you know. My neibor totoro and My little ponies dance around in my head like a childs nursery song. I need to sleep, I need to move, I can't believe I ate that breadstick when I wasn't hungry at all.

I have class tomorrow, I have to call the proffesor teaching voice, piano, and spanish, I need to move, I need to finish my reading assignment, I can do it tommorow, almost time to go home, what does all this mean?

All of these things crowding into my head and I'm not even focusing, I'm floating, that's all, I do that a lot here, just float, Maybe that's why I'm still so light about life after all that's happened, I don't want to float though, I want to be aware.

I can here kind of scratch, knocking, like Rada wants out but I'm not home.

I need to lie down I need  break, I need to cry, I want my mother, I want dark silence, I want to be , but not really be, just for a moment to know without knowing, to stop existing for a split second, or stop life for a split second. My head hurts, my eyes are heavy I'm going to bed.