"Maxwell?"  Wufei was knocking on the door to my bedroom.  "Are you in
there?"  I wasn't going to even bother answering that.  I hadn't left my
room ever since the funeral.  Where did he think I was gonna go, anyway?

 I rolled over and buried my head into the feather pillow, which was still
soggy from my last cry-fest.  Wufei kept on knocking, then progressed to
banging.  It sounded like he was trying to break my door down.  I hit my
fist against my wooden bed side table, making the porcelain lamp shake and
my golden cross with the platinum chain, which I had put there so I didn't
strangle myself while I lay there, fell off.  I groaned and picked it up
off of the floor.

 Heero had once told me that it was a scientific fact that four days
without sleep would make a person go crazy-loony-bonkers-out-of-their-mind.
I had believed him, since I hadn't been sure if he was just telling me this
to make me let him get some sleep every four days, or if he had been
telling the truth.  I had gone a good week without sleep, and I was now
pretty sure he had just been trying to make me shut up and leave him alone.
I didn't feel any more crazy than I had been before.  Granted, though, I
had been pretty insane in the past.  Lack of sleep had always done odd
things to my mind, and now was no exception.

 "Duo!!!"  Quatre now.  He didn't sound happy with me.  And when you got
Quatre pissed, you know you've gotten results.  Whether they were good
results or bad, you may never be able to tell.  But they were results none
the less.  I sat up and made sure I was reasonably presentable, dressed at
least, and opened the door.  Just in time, by the looks of it, because

Quatre was practically fuming.  I wasn't sure if he was fuming at me or the
big dent Wufei had made in the door, but decided not to chance it.  Trowa
was leaning against the wall, looking as though he was having the time of
his life.  I probably would have too, if I hadn't been on the receiving end of
Quatre's rage.

Wufei was looking at me with grim certainty, and with a
look of pity.  I most likely looked like crap.  I knew my hair was all
knotted up and falling out of it's confining braid, but I really didn't
care, even though it was falling into my eyes a lot.

 "I'm out, Quatre.  Something you wanted to say?" I asked, my voice
sounding rough and hollow even to my ears.  I saw Wufei cringe.  Quatre
stopped in his tracks and swallowed.  There was a long pause.  When he
spoke again, Quatre's voice was much calmer and much more restrained, more
like the Quatre we all knew and Trowa loved.

 "Please don't hole yourself into your room.  It isn't good to dwell on
memories of the past.  Come out during mealtimes, at least, even if it is
just to talk and eat with us," he pleaded.  I thought about this.  They had
been keeping me fed by leaving plates of food outside the door.  I would
eat enough to curb my hunger, then go back into my room.  Just enough for
me to keep alive.  It was almost amusing, as they had been giving me some
of my favorite foods, hoping I would eat it all up with my usual appetite.
Like the bottomless pit they had always thought I was.  Even pizza and
chocolate cake every night gets old, and I was sure they were dying to eat
something different.

 They had been giving up a lot lately for my sake.  Wufei had even refused
a few missions, or at least delayed them, for my benefit.  If I had been in
my normal mood, I would have felt honored beyond belief.

 As it was, I felt guilty.  Others were suffering at the same time I was,
and that just wasn't fair to either of us.  I wanted to suffer alone.

 "Please, Duo?  Mealtimes, at least?" Quatre was almost begging now.  They
really were worried about me.  I had known that they would be, they were my
friends.  So why did I feel so surprised about it?

 I nodded.  No reason for them to suffer.  I would end that soon enough.
"Meals, then."  I checked my clock inside the room.  I had broken the glass
face of the clock with my fist just the day before, and glass shards lay onthe
floor and were imbedded in my hand, but the clock still worked.  It was
almost late evening.  Suppertime, then.  No wonder they had chosen to
confront me now.

 Wufei frowned at me, staring at my blood and scratched-up hand.  "What did
you do to your hand, Maxwell?"

"Cut it."

 "Well, that was obvious enough."  Wufei squinted into my dark room.  "What
have you been doing in there?"

 I shrugged.  "Nothing."  I tried to smile, but couldn't.  The ends of my
mouth dragged downwards in a frown.  That scared me.  I had always been
able to pull a smile, even in the grimmest of situations.  And this was
about as grim as they come.

 After Quatre had cleaned and bandaged up my hand, we sat down to eat.
Once again, they had served my favorites.  Pepperoni pizza and triple
chocolate cake, along with glasses of soda.  I ate as little as I could,
with both Quatre and Wufei hounding me to eat more.  Trowa finally
intervened and told them to leave me alone.  I was grateful for that.

 The rest of the day passed normally enough, not that there was much day
left, except that the place felt awfully lonely without Heero.  No one was
pulling on my braid to make me shut up, no one threatening to kill me, none
of the tapping of laptop keys that drove me insane.  It's always the little
things in life that you come to miss.

 A few more days passed like this.  Trowa and Quatre ended up locking my
room shut, so they could keep an eye on me.  I tried to break down the
door, but that didn't work well.  If it had been Heero, it would have been
down the first hit.  But Heero was all muscle, I have more of that annoying
wiry strength that really isn't good for much.

I slept on the couch after that, with a pillow and a blanket.  It wasn't all that comfortable, but it
could have been worse.  And I began to suspect that the others were
slipping sleeping pills into my food, so that I wouldn't stay awake all
night.  I would have slept anyway; I couldn't go all that long without
sleeping.

 I practically begged Wufei to unlock the room for me, so I could at least
get my cross from out of there.  He refused, looking really guilty, and
that same night, when I fell asleep on the couch, I think he went into my
room and got out the stupid little golden cross for me, because when I woke
up it was in my hand.  I don't know why it did, but the little thing really
helped me feel more like myself.  I know it's just a symbol, but maybe some
symbols really do bring about miracles.  You never know, after all.

 Wufei wouldn't let me go to the cemetery either, to see Heero's grave, but
I managed to avoid that rule, at least.  When I found out why Wufei didn't
want me to go, I felt like crying.  Someone had broken the marble grave
marker into two pieces of solid rock, and both pieces were covered with
spray paint, and obscene words, and they smelled like someone had taken a
piss on them.  It really broke my heart to see that.  I went home
immediately after, and thought about it, long and hard.

 By the time dawn broke the next morning, I figured out what I was going to
do.  I smiled to myself, my first real smile in a while, and calmly walked
into the kitchen.  Trowa and Quatre were already in there, as usual, so
they could start breakfast before the rest of us got up.  Quatre saw me and
smiled apologetically my way.

 "Duo, did we wake you?  I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were making so much
noise," he said quietly, in his I-really-didn't-mean-to voice.  I grinned
at him.  He seemed a bit surprised when I did that.

 "No, Q, I couldn't sleep.  Hey, why don't you let me make breakfast today?
You and Trowa go back to bed or something," I said, still grinning.  Trowa
looked up at me, his face barely registering surprise.  It's not that I
can't cook, I just don't like to.  I've made plenty of great meals, and
they both know it.  Hey, I had once done an emergency catering for one of
Relena's social events, and no one had died, or even suffered of food
poisoning.  In fact, I had gotten more than one compliments.  Trowa and
Quatre exchanged glances, but agreed.

 I grabbed Quatre's arm as he turned to leave.  He stared at my pale hand,
then at me, and Trowa looked really confused.  I smiled at them.  "Guys, I
want to thank you for everything you've done over the past few days.  You
guys are like brothers to me or something."

 Quatre was startled.  "Yes, Duo, you are like one to us as well.  You
should know that. Is there  something wrong?"

 "No.  Where do we keep the really big, sharp, pointy knives?" I asked
nonchalantly, waving my hand around the kitchen.

 "In the cabinet, with the double boiler and the cutting board.  What
exactly are you planning to make, Duo?" Quatre asked.  I smiled at him,
trying to think of a good thing to say.  Trowa came to my rescue, whether
he knew it or not.

 "A mess?" Trowa supplied.  I raised a single eyebrow at him, and he gave
me a slight smile, then a wink.  I nodded back at him.

 "Something like that."  They were glad I was out of the dumps, obviously.
They hadn't been joking around like that with anyone, much less me, for
days.  I almost felt bad for what I was planning to do.  "But don't worry,
I'll take care of everything."

They nodded at me, then left.  I sighed,
blowing up into my bangs.  This was it.  I took out one of the knives I had
earlier asked Quatre about, a steel one with a black handle.  The blade was
shiny, and polished.  It wouldn't be for long.

 I put the point to my wrist and slid it upwards, along the vein, and
watched with morbid fascination as my blood peeked through, staining my
pale skin.  I smiled.

I heard voices in the other room, Quatre's, Trowa's,
and Wufei's.  Wufei said something to the others, and Quatre laughed.  I
sat calmly on the floor, watching my blood fall to the tiles.  I was losing
a lot of blood, but not nearly enough.  I put the tip of the knife to my
other wrist, and did the same.  Blood fell from there, too, and all of a
sudden I felt really weak and woozy, even a bit nauseous.  I heard
footsteps coming towards the kitchen.  Wufei's, I guessed, I couldn't hear
very well with all the blood rushing from my body and onto the floor.  I
blinked once, as the door opened and Wufei stepped in, and when I opened my
eyes there was nothing but black.  But I could still hear Wufei's surprised
gasp, and the shouting...  And then everything was gone.

~tbc~

What did you think?  Give me idea's, and feedback, at
[email protected].  I love to hear what people think, and flames are
welcome, as long as they aren't in great abundance.  And don't worry, I
have no intention of letting Duo die yet.  I'll save the good parts for
last.  Just remember, Duo is my favorite pilot, and that you always hurt
the ones you love, so....

  ~*Hawk*~