Title:                 He Only Sees My Sister
Author:             Raihne
Fandom:           Everwood
Pairing:             Bright/Ephram
Warning:          m/m angst and romance. if you're reading this at my page you know the drill by now.
Disclaimer:       I do not own Everwood or the people in it. If I did, Amy would have committed suicide after Colin died and Bright and Ephrim would have turned to each other in their mutual greif and realized how in love they were with each other.
Summary:        Blind Faith was such a slash worthy episode I had to write something after watching it. You can't let a mega jock say something like "Maybe I should date him." Without realizing that something prompted it. And now it's out in the open. This is about Bright coming to terms with himself and the person who's caught his eyes, but refuses to look his way.
<Part 1>
Thursday,  November 30, 2003                                                      
2:30AM - "I Am Not A Girl"
I am feeling cautious          

    Okay right off I want to say that this is not a diary. This is an anonyomous, on-line journal and everybody has them. I am not some tiny bopper or some nerd pining away for some jock. Actually I'm the jock. And he isn't a nerd, he's just a really smart guy that likes to read comics and watch cartoons. . . okay, he's not a nerd, he's a geek. And he's the geek in love with my sister.
    She actually talked to me about him today. She keeps trying to compare him to her last boyfreind. She keeps stringing him along and using him as her last resort and wondering why that hurts him. And people say I'm not too bright. So she's there lamenting about how he isn't the other guy and what do I do? I tell her to hook up with him. I sit there on the steps and sing his praises and half way through I realize something. I'm in love with the guy who's in love with my sister. I said something stupid like "I should date him" and then snapped out of the shock and tried to stay the understanding big brother when all I wanted to do was tell her to keep away from him.

    I wouldn't actually tell her to stay away. I mean she wants him in her own way, and I know he'd ass over tit for her. . . I guess I just have to watch at a distance and figure out what's going on in my head. The one I think with. I mean the one with my brain. I mean. . . shit. I'm going to bed.

(0 comments / comment on this)

    Bright turned off his computer and tipped his head to lay upon the back of the chair. Things were seriously fucked up. He wiped a hand over his face and frowned. Ever since he'd been kicked off the team he'd been a kind of outside insider. People still talked to him but he wasn't 'one of them' anymore. Besides that, he'd started hanging around with Ephram and that seriously cut into his cool factor.

    What was worst though was that he started to like the guy. There was a lot to like once you got to realize that the mocking jibes and instant humor were a quick defense mechanism. //Take that Mr. Sabrinski, I was SO listening in class that day!// Ephram was smart and cultured, and he had a zillion stories about life in New York and every one of them was funny. He was so loyal and honest that sometimes he made you wonder how he survived in a city like New York. He got teary eyed when he listened to certain songs and he argued tooth and nail that his comic books were 'not comics! Manga!' and his cartoons were anime, and he was performing an important cultural study by watching them. He also didn't brag about the fact that he could obviously Speak, read, and understand Japanese.

    Ephram was just a good guy. A great guy even. And he hung around with Bright. That surprised the broad shouldered ex-jock more than anything. No matter how much Ephram teased or ignored during him 'dramatic moments', he was always at their tab;e at lunch, and he was always waiting outside when school was over. Bright had never had to go over to Ephrams house alone for anything, but he was sure that if he showed up, after the initial disbeleif and suspiscion, Ephram would invite him in and ask what was going on.

    The blond man moved to his bed and flopped down across it, not bothering to get under the covers. Not even bothering to snatch a pillow from his side, he lay there staring at nothing. He'd spent all afternoon running searches and downloading pictures of Ephram from his concerts in New York. He'd been in the papers a lot! Now there was a collage of Ephram Brown print outs tucked carefully under hes bed and up in the box springs so his dad wouldn't find it during one of his 'cleaning' sprees. He was hooked. He knew that. He hadn't really known until his talk with Amy but it had been there. Inside of him. And now that it was out. . . Bright rolled to his side and closed his eyes, currling up into as small a knot as he could.

    Now he realised that he was in love with the guy who was in love with his sister. He had decided to step back and look at it from a distance. Maybe it was just a crush. Maybe he was just confused about Colin being gone. Maybe he had a tumor that was eating away at his brain and making him think strange thought about how tight Ephram's shirts looked some days. . .

    "I am so fucked up."

 
Friday, December 1, 2003                                                      
1:48 AM - "This Is So Fucked Up"
I am feeling  confused

    He kissed his sister's baby sitter! My sister told me she saw them kissing. She said it was a one time thing and they both looked really uncomfaortable, but he KISSED her. Why can't he have a sudden impulse and kiss me? Maybe then I would at least have something to go by. I'm having wet dreams about holding his hand and hugging him for crying out loud! I'm just really messed up right now. I don't know what to think. I don't know why I think the way I am. . . I've gone all the way with girls before so I should have something to go on right? But even my subconcious knows that kissing Ephram would be completely different from kissing Gemma or any other girl at all. I'm completely fucked up. And I really doubt that this is just a crush.

(0 comments / comment on this)
    "Bright?"

    "Hold up." He quickly saved the entry and shut down his computer then slipped his psycho tribute to Ephram back under his bed and threw the sheets down to cover any view o funder his bed, just in case. "Okay come in."

    Amy slipped inside and stood there, biting her lip. "Can't you sleep?"

    "I've got a lot on my mind."

    "First time for everything?" The playful barb lost any affect because of the tiny, uncertain voice she spoke it in.

    "ouch. Burn." He joked and patted the bed beside him. "So what are you still doing up?"

    "I keep thinking about Ephram."

    //Me too.// "Yeah?"

    "I like him. He's been there for me since he moved here."

    Bright looked down at his hands and hoped his hair would hide the pain on his face. //If Amy wants him, she can have him. He'll be happy then. She's what he wants. He loves her.//

    "But the way he was kissing . . . I felt bad but. . . it didn't break my heart."

    "Huh?" Blue eyes shot to his sister, "What do you mean?"

    "It was like I lost a race or something. I thought about the what if's and I thought about what could have happened, but it wasn't like Colin. . . It was like she was stealing my freind. Not my boyfreind." She covered her face and groaned, "You were right."

    "I was?"

    "I can't keep stringing him along. He diserves more."

    "So what're you gonna do?"

    "I guess I'm going to cut the strings." She looked up, tears in her eyes, "I wasn't tryign to be cruel you know."

    "I know." He nodded and hugged her.

    "That just makes it worst."

    Bright wanted to rant and yell at her for all of the stuff that she'd put Ephram through, but he was her big brother, and that wasn't what she needed right now. "You've been going through a lot of shit Amy."

    "Yeah, But you didn't use Colin as an excuse and neither should I."

    "Okay, so you've been a bitch. Now you see that. So stop."

    "That simple?"

    "Yeah. That simple."

    She nodded and kissed his cheek. "Thanks Bright."

    He closed his eyes as she shut the door behind her. "Don't thank me."


Saturday, December 2, 2003
2:56 AM - "I am SUCH a Girl!"
I am feeling gay

    My sister finally let him go. I saw the moment she told him, even from across a crowded dance floor. What horrible timeing! To break it off with a guy at a wedding! I could see his face crumble and his eyes get red. They do that you know. Even if he isn't crying and hasn't been crying, if he's sad his eyes get red like he has been. I guess it's a sign of true feelings that I even notice things like that. It's another sign of true feelings that no matter how sad he is, or how red his eyes look, I still think he's the most perfect thing in the room.

    I danced with his sister. Don't get any ideas, she's like 9 years old. She has a crush on me. I guess our familys are all a little confused. She was so proud that I danced a whole song with her. I hope she never knows that the whole time I was finding her brother's features in her face and wondering what he was like as a kid. Was he as quiet and cynical (yes I know what it means. . . but I don't know if I spelled it right. Shut up), or was he all smiles and innocent intellegence like his little sister is now. I'd bet he was all of it. Quiet and happy and smart and cynical. I bet he had a killer smile. He does now. Not that he's smiling much after my sister broke his heart.  

    As for me? I'm complete shit. There he was, red eyed and hurting and all I wanted to do was drag him into the shade of the vines that were covering the walls and just kiss him until he forgot her and focused that single minded devotion on me. And now I'm sitting at home eating chocolate ice cream (comfort food) and crying while a type in my diary (denile is so gone by now) and staring at stolen pictures of him from before he even knew my sister or me. What if I'd met him first? What if I hadn't been so caught up in protecting my sisters honor and showing off to a bunch of idiots who don't even give me the time of day any more now that C is gone and I'm off the team?

    What if I got up the courage to ask him what if?

    I lied in the first entry. I am such a girl. 

(0 comments / comment on this)
<Part 2>

Monday December 4, 2003
12:17 AM - "Lost"

I am feeling Nothing

    I can write a little earlier now and not have to worry about anyone finding out. Dad isn't here. He went to pick up my sister. In Wyoming. I guess she decided to go for a little drive in her nice new car. My family is falling apart. My mom is the only one of us who isn't breaking for some reason or other. Dad is freaking out over his sister's return. My sister is flipping out and has been since her ex (and my best freind) died. So why am I flipping out? Him. What else is new. His sister told me that he's getting very close to the babysitter. His sister is like, nine or something, but she's a smart kid and she knows her brother. The girl he's after? Hot as Hell. She's a musician. She's get all the curves in all the right places, big lips and long hair. She's a girl. And she's just one more reminder that I don't stand a chance.

I've been listening to music. Not rock and roll but real music. The kind he listens to. It's nice, soft. . . okay so it's boring. I tried to like it. I did! But the only time I've ever liked that classical shit was when I watched Him play it. I know it sounds dumb, but when he's playing it's like you can feel him inside the music, and the boring notes that you've heard over and over, they change because of him. That isn't boring. That's a religious experience.

Sometimes I think that's as close to Him as I'll ever get.

    Bright read and reread the last line of his entry. Everytiem he read it he got more and more fed up with himself. "I'm acting like some chess club wuss! 'Close as I'll ever get.'" He gave an anoyed snort and stood up. turning off his computor and grabbing his phone. "Uh. . . hi. Delia? Listen, is your brother there? It would be so cool if I could talk to him. Awesome! hey don't you dare put me on hold or anything though!" He smiled while she laughed. Delia has such a sweet laugh, like Amy when she was a kid. The smile widened and was joined by a blush when a deeper voice came over the line.

    "Yeah?"

    "Yo E!"

    "Don't call me E. What do you want?"

    "Uh. . ." //Do not say 'your ass' do NOT say 'your ass'// "An end to boredom?"

    "Try reading a book."

    "But I read all of mine!"

    "Try one without pictures."

    "Ouch! E! You wound me!"

    "Only in my dreams."

    Bright couldn't help it, he answered in a breathy voice, "So you dream of me? Oh Ephram!"

    "Bright. I'm hanging up."

    "Don't!"

    "What do you want?"

    "Rent a movie with me?"

    "Why?"

    "Who wants to watch a movie alone man?" He could here a groaned sigh on the other end of the line. If Brown followed his usual pattern, he'd have a movie buddy in 3. . . 2. . .

    "Fine."

    "He Scores!"

    "What?"

    "Nothing." Bright couldn't help but smile. "So when do I pick you up?"

    "Oh no. We are watching this at MY house."

    "Oh no way!" Bright argued for the Hell of it. He knew they'd end up at Ephrams, but right then, he just wanted to keep the other boy on the phone as long as he could. He didn't want to hang up.


Thursday December 7, 2003
5:00PM - "Our Song"

I am feeling  hopeless
I know, I'm writing during the day, not smart, not safe, but I had to write. This diary is my way to cardiosis, you know, where you wash out all the messed up feelings and then you feel better? I was working on my truck after school and my sister was watching MTV or something in the livingroom and this song started. I must have looked like some insane freak. I ran inside covered in grease and oil and I jumped right over the couch to turned it up. I was me! It was how I feel about Him. When it was done I had tears in my eyes. I begged my sister if she had that CD and she gave me one of her 'you are so not related to me' looks, but she gave it to me anyway. Not without teasing me about crushing on Kelly Clarkson. For this song though. It's perfect.
check it out, it goes. . .

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as dumb as he seems
And more Heaven than a heart could hold.

That sounds so like Him. Except the dumb part, He's really smart, except when it comes to other people. He's nothing if not Extreme, a born drama queen in fact. And more heaven than my heart could hold. *sigh*

And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just aint right

Damn right it ain't right! If I tell him how I feel then I'll probably even lose the suedo freindship we have going and I couldn't take that. It would hurt so much. Then the corus talks about how he's "So beautiful, such a beautiful disaster." and that's what he is to me. He's one of the only bright points in this town for me, but this whole . . . THING. . . is a disaster. And I wouldn't change it for the world. I am so sick. I'm holding on "Through the tears and the laughter" and I can't help but wonder "Would it be beautiful?" Then it goes on and says stuff like. . .

A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So harm not to blame him
Hold on tight

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle

He's soft to the touch
But afraid at the end he breaks
He's never enough (He never thinks he's enough.)
And still leaves more than I can take

God! I ended up listening to the stupid thing on repeat over and over and bawling like a baby. It's our song. Our fucking song. And he doesn't know it, would probably laugh at me for being such a girl. But it's so perfect. He's my beautiful disaster. My sister's been hanging outside my room for a while since she loaned me the Cd. I think I've blown it, she knows something is up. She still doesn't know who, and I don't think she's 'with it' enough to guess. Hey, maybe my trama will bring her back out of hers.  Shit. Then it would put her right back when she realized who it was. Like I said. Our song. Beautiful Disaster.

    Bright couldn't beleive he'd given Ephram advice on how to win Madison over. At the tiem he'd been thinking, get him to ignore her and move in. Of course that was before he realized that Madison was just as shallow and nasty as the other girls he knew no matter how much older she was, and she was falling for it. He turned the computer off. Beautiful Disaster. That was Ephram all right. The guy'd been turning Bright's world upside down ever since he showed up in Everwood.

    "Bright."

    He looked up as Amy walked in and made a quick dive for the pictures propped up against his computer.

    "What's that?" She motioned.

    "Nothing!"
   
    She cocked her head to on eside and then sat on Bright's bed, "I have a problem."

    "What else is new." He muttered and slid the picture into a desk drawer.

    "But I'm not completely clueless." Her glare made him sure she'd heard him. "Somethings going on."

    "Nothing is going on."
   
    "You borrowed my Kelly Clarkson CD."

    "So? The chick's hot."

    "You only listen to one track, I can hear it all the way in my room."

    "So I like the song."

    "You almost did a nosedive just then to make sure I didn't see whatever was on that piece of posterboard."

    "It's non of your buisness!"

    "And I found this." She held up a piece of paper.

    Bright looked at it like i tcould bite him."What is it?"

    Amy shook her head, "It's blank but the way you reacted tells me somethings going on." She patted the bed and Bright sighed and pulled the collague from his desk drawer and moved to sit beside her.

    "You can't tell anyone."

    "Who would I tell?"

    "Not even mom or dad."

    "Okay. Whatever."

    He took a deep breath and handed her the poster board.

    Amy gave her brother a searching glance then looked at the pictures covering the sheet in her hands. "Is this. . .?"

    "Ephram."

    His sister's eyes widened a little, "You . . . I never . . ."

    "It hasn't been going on long."

    "'I should date him'." She realized, "You said. . ."

    "That was when I realized. Now you see?"

    "And that song that you're driving everyone insane with . . ."

    Amy just sat there and let her brother vent.

    "And now he's after Madison and I would have given him to you because you're my sister and he loved you, but Madison is a bitch and she'll hurt him, but he's so FOR her and I promised I'd help get them together because he was doing the red-eye thing and now I'm going to Delia's slumber party to help him ignore her so she'll pay attention to him and all I want to do is rip out all her hair and shove it down her throat and kiss him senseless but I don't know how!!"

    She blinked, "Wow."

    He blushed. "Yeah."

    "I. . . uh. . . I have some pictures of him, from school and stuff. You can have them"

    "Really?"

    She smiled a little and nodded, "Can we try to get along again. I kind of miss you."

    "Bribing me with pictures of my secret lo. . ." He blushed, "Secret crush?"

    "Yeah."

    "Deal."
Saturday, December 16, 2003
2:20 AM - "Too Late"
I am feeling     defeated

    Well I went to his sister's party to help him with the babysitter situation. Adn they kissed again. This time they didn't look awkward. And he looked happy.
   
Bright wiped the tears out of his eyes and sniffed a bit to keep from sobbing. Once he had it under contol he turned back to the screen.

    He is happy, last night he told me. He told me that I'd been a good freind to try to help, and that he was happy. How can he be happy? She's going to destroy his heart. She's a woman and she still sees him as a kid. four years is a big difference when your in high school and college. She'll try to mother him and he doesn't need a mother again, he needs a freind. Guess he has a use for me after all.

//Damn tears won't go away!// He wiped his sleave hard across his face and sobbed. He didn't even try to hide it this time. His heart was shattered into a million pieces but it was still inside his chest, each jagged shard was ripping into his skin and making him hurt and bleed.

    After he told me, he went up to his room to sleep and think of her and smile. I tucked the slumber party guest into their sleeping bags and sat up with the stupid kariokee machine. Our song was on it. I sang it until I was too hoarse to sing, then I sat there and tried not to cry. His sister, you know, the cool nine year old I told you about? She asked me if I was crying about her brother. She knew. A nine year old knew! She gave me one of those soft armed little kid hugs that can't quite reach around your shoulders, and she said it would be okay. She 'still loves me'. She still loves me.


    He closed his eyes and sat unmoving until the sun came up, Then realized that there was no school. So he crawled into bed and pulled the blankets up over his head and shook with unshed tears. He was not going to cry anymore. Ephram was still there, still alive, still Ephram, he just wasn't Bright's Ephram. Then again he never had been. Maybe tomorrow he would be up and trying to figure out how to win him over again. But for the moment. . . He just wanted to stop existing, so that he wouldn't have to live in a world where Ephram was kissing someone else.

~tbc~

   
  



Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

1