<Joe> Do you know any past of your house, that
could help explain why its haunted
<Jeremy> Yes eight people were hung from the
rafters in my attic in 1802, six people were gutted in my basement in 1878,
and in 1914 three people drowned in the upstairs toilet. HOW THE F*CK AM
I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!
<Leo> When I grow up, I'm going to be known as "the Man that could get inside woman's pants faster than Ky jelly"
<Jeremy> Yeah, Homecoming is about drinking beer, *means to say more, but cant think of anything else* ...........
<C> (The warning label on a Swedish made chainsaw reads: "Do not attempt to stop blade with hands or genitals.")
*Nick's digital camera wasn't working right,
so the pictures he took at work couldn't be used in his speech. He drew
some tires, that ended up looking like octagons. Those are the pictures
he was referring to*
<Nick> I'm gonna do great, I got pictures!
<Jeremy> You got pictures?
<Nick> I got mother f*cking pictures!.....You
know what....People are gonna laugh at me
<Jeremy> Yeah, now we get to use functions
in our programs, yay.
<Joe> Think they'll let us name our own functions?
I can picture it now. void KickQiInTheHEad
<Restless> Magic Hate ball, Will i ever win?
<Magic Hate Ball> I just slept with your wife
<Jeremy> *sitting in car waiting for the rain
to die down so we can bring our stuff back into the dorms* No! We're waiting
for the rain to die down!
<Joe> It just did
<Jeremy> It did?! Okay *opens the door, and
slams it a half second later* Im wet!
<Jimmy> *at random* gnaw is wang backwards
<Joe> SO YOUVE FINGERED HIM HAVE YOU! HAHAHA
<Jimmy> It's n... Okay, I just lost my whole
train of thought
<Restless> what, are you suddenly a boobologist?
The penis forehead symbolizes strength, power, courage, and the fact that Scientologists are dickheads -Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
<Restless> 1'll n07 d16n1fy 7h47 w17h 4 r35p0n53
<Joe> j00 w1|| Ð19n1f¥ 7h47 w17h 4
®35¶0n53, 8µ77C4|<3¡
<Restless> ... Didd you just call me "Buttcake"
??!?!
<Jimmy> Well look, I'm not Luke's babysitter.
He already told me he doesn't want to hear it. That and he's always standing
over my shoulder and yelling "devil penis" every 15 seconds, so I can never
get a word in anyway.
<Jimmy> Wait, that's on the phone. Nevermind.
<Jimmy> Good. If so we would have to follow through with the "British Act of '21", which says John Travolta has the IQ of a sliding door.
<Jimmy> Yes, and the cows shall avenge my death! With their tails.. You don't think they're really swatting flies, do you? No, they're practicing for the great revolution...
<Jeremy> This pisses me off, nothing ever f*ckin goes my way. First my DVD player I just got doesn't even work, this program is a POS, and now I just spilled Pepsi on myself! Jesus Christ!
<Nolan> I can care less. You know why? People
as a whole are complete idiots with animal-sized brains.
<Joe> You definitely back that one up
<Jimmy> In Louisiana, it is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot the teller with a water pistol.
<Jimmy> I just started thinking in Ebonics
<Joe> I mean hell, he had us working will all this shit he never taught us. We were doing import, outport, export,......Theres no outport
<Mike> Do that again, and I will switch your testicles with your eyes.
*Bob, in an English Report* What do those two things have in common. Happiness, a warm gun: well, if you want a gun to be warm I guess you need to shoot it first, right? Well now, if you want to shoot a gun, do you not have to load it first? Is that what it means to be happy? You have to be loaded. Well if that’s the case, then alcoholism is the source of true happiness.
Fischer might as well be dead? There is life beyond chess....Fischer probably just woke up one day and said....damn, I like girls better than rook e1 -Some kid on Chess.net
<Josh> Is it bad if you change Proctor's last words in the Crucible to "Y'all can suck my d*ck and f*cking LIKE it!"?
<Rachel> *in an innocent, 2 year old voice* This isn't a pudgie pie, its a pile of sh*t!
<Errol> Thats smoother than diaherria!
<Jimmy> *in Yoda voice, at random* Drugs you must take
<Josh> Replacing "dude" for what it really means: Elephant Anal Hair. <Squiz> I suddenly wonder about "dude ranches".
<Becca> I took a full shot of that...
<Jimmy> ...in the face
<Jeremy> When you think about it, it's kind of like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You've got two pieces of bread, one with jelly on, and the other with peanut butter. Then you put them together, and you've got a really gross sandwich.
<Joe> why is Kurt Cobain so awesome?
<RA Bob> He is a distant son of Zeus
<RA Bob> more specificlly apollo
<Joe> WESTSIDE
<Jordan> EASTSIDE
<Joe> HOTA RULES
<Jordan> Yeah, well, you know what I say to
that? My balls, on your face, and you get PINK-EYE.
<Joe> I almost spit crackers all over
the monitor you cockswamp!
<Jordan> What the F*CK ARE YOU EATING CRACKERS
FOR? REAL MEN EAT PUDDING!
<Goomey> *this guy is a Circuits Professor* ...an imaginary engineer, wait... I meant Industrial Engineer. yea, I tend get those two mixed up
<Goomey> *is solving a circuit on the board when he turns around* You know when you're just driving along, and your kids are sitting there making all sorts of noise in the backseat, and you tell them to shut up and they don't listen so you kind of swing your arm back and smack them to get them to shut up? My son thought he was really smart, because when I'd do that he'd lean back and I'd miss, but I showed him. When he leaned back I tapped the breaks, and when he flew forward I cracked him upside the head. *goes back to solving the circuit while the class dies laughing*
<Ryan> You're just trying to make us hate you
<Goomey> I dont care, evaluations are in!
<Kid> He says as the Dean walks by the door
<Goomey> Huh?
<The Dean> *steps into the room* I dont think
thats what we want to hear
<Goomey> ....Crap
<Goomey> *doing an impression of his Calc 3
teacher when he was in college. He sounds high* I visualized the wave....
<Eric> It's a sine!
<Scott> *about Goomey, while hes solving a
Circuit at the board* He's all disoriented today
<Goomey> Im going to kill you
<Ryan> Come on, trade Pokemon with me!
*While listening to "In The End" by Linkin Park*
<Jimmy> This was my favorite song for a while.
<Jeremy> That was another....Useless fact
<Jeremy> *trying to get Jimmy to go to class
when its a blizzard outside* Come on, the early bird gets the worm
<Jimmy> But its cold and there are wolves
out there
<Jeremy> *Seeing one of Jimmy's books on the
futon* Jimmy, what the f*ck! Burn it!
<Jimmy> Dude, I can see you doing well as
one of those people in Germany in the 1930s, burning books and having a
great time
<Jeremy> I can picture you in Germany, same
time period....Wearing one of those little stars
<Tina> it's ruphys...learn to spenn d*mmit!
<Tina> spell*
<Tina> oops
<Tina> i fail
<Tina> i think he has rabies...you can get
that from being bitten by squirrels
<Tina> *10 minutes later, at random*
mood swings and aggressive lash outs are a symptom of advanced stage rabies,
are they not?
<Joe> HI LITTLE TINA
<Tina> shut up you have rabies
<Joe> Well thats what I said, but I dunno if
its true or not. I dont think she likes us enough to make a 45 minute trip
2 ways :-P
<Lindsey> well you know what we should do....
<Joe> kidnap her and lock her in the basement?
:-P
<Tina> LOL
<Tina> squirrelly is nobody's pet!
<Jeremy> Trista, your Indian name would be Runs-with-stick-up-@ss
<Commercial> Cigarrette smoking is addictive
<Jeremy> No it's not, theres no proof!
<Joe> Its 3:30am, and all I want to do is dance around my room singing "Spleen spleen spleeeeeeeeeen!!!!!!"
<Restless> It's a horse leaning up against
a giant penis *Kristi looks at him at the word penis*
<Joe> Kristi, you looked at him right when
he said "penis" as if that were your own name!
<Restless> OMG, you're the terrorist of love Joe!
<Restless> The total dice roll of 1 6 sided
dice is 1
<Lanse> Good to know.
<Joe> They say we're "Custodians" but we're
Janitors
<Joe> no use glamming it up, its a Janitor,
we should be happy with that
<Matt> *starts laughing*
<Joe> Janitor is better than "Sh*t Sweeper"
<Matt> *geeks out*
<Deruta> Engagement would be so awkward after so many one nighters.
<Amanda> This grass skirt is really itchy
<Kid in audience> TAKE IT OFF!
<Amanda> No, I cant. I promised Faherty's
parents Id wear more than a bathing suit
<Faherty> *leans over to the mic* HI MOM AND
DAD!
<Amanda> Yeah, thats it, you're all hyped up on...... soda
<Ref> *in reference to a Tommy Maddox mistake, where he tried to throw the ball, and dropped it instead* The ruling on the field stands, as the quarterbacks hand was going forward, and the ball was not in it. The play is ruled as a fumble, and Pittsburgh is charged a timeout
<Joe> *imitating news reporter, this didn't
really happen* Ahman Green was found dead in the Packers locker room
after his game losing fumble against the Chiefs. There is no word yet as
to whether or not it was self inflicted, or murder
<Jeremy> This happened just one week before
his debut with the Cleveland Browns
<Jeremy> *during a thunderstorm* It's raining, its pouring, Trista is whoring
That 70's Show Quotes (This is my favorite show, I had to)
<Hyde> If it were, this frozen pizza wouldnt taste like monkey butt
<Donna> You're like a rock, a tiny little rock!
<Jackie> Donna, are you trying to tell me
bad news, or are you making fun of my butt!?
<Donna> Your butt is fine
<Jackie> FINE?!
<Donna> Okay, glorious!
*Eric's mom talking about what she thinks the
kids are doing* <Donna> Now that Eric's parents are gone we can be as
bad as we want!
<Jackie> Who wants to give Eric a venereal
disease!
<Kelso> Man, girls must love astronauts. It says here they get all the Tang they want!
<Eric> God, what did you have for breakfast
this morning, Carnation Instant B*tch?
<Hyde> Okay, that one was outta the park
<Kelso> Hey Hyde, you know what my favorite
ballet is?
<Hyde> *throws a basketball, pegging Kelso
in the junk* The Nutcracker
<Eric> Donna, why don't you make like a circle
and go around
<Red> Scoot over or I'll hit you in the head!
*about Jackie thinking she's pregnant* <Donna>
Jackie you're a Sophomore, how could you be so stupid?
<Jackie> *in a whiny voice* Im a Sophomore
<Kelso> Guess who just made out with Pam Macy
behind the Gym?!
<Hyde> Everybody!
<Red> The bridge of the nose is very vulnerable
<Bob> And hit him with a banjo!
<Red> A banjo Bob?
<Bob> Yeah, I saw a guy get hit with a banjo
once, and he went down
<Red> Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty....
You wanna knee him in the groin
<Bob> You can hit him in the groin with a
banjo
<Hyde> She likes Red because hes a tough guy,
a hard@ss. You, you're soft
<Donna and Kelso> *in unison* How soft is
he Hyde?
<Hyde> Softer than ******** at the Playboy
Mansion
<Kelso> Because he plays piano *laughs* wait...
*Donna whispers something in his ear* ....BURN!
<Eric> How come Red's like a hard@ss, and I'm so...I mean, okay, when a bear has a baby, it's a little bear, right? My dad's a bear, and I'm like...... A duck
<Hyde> Oh sure when things get ugly suddenly
Im family
<Laurie> Not to me you freak
<Hyde> You are so going to end up in porno
*Red walks into the kitchen, where Fez is standing* <Fez> Mr. Red, I need some advice. You see, I had a sexy dream about Kelso *Red walks back out of the room*
<Donna> Eric... I love you
<Eric> *pauses, looking rather shocked* I
love.....cake
That 70's Show and its quotes © Carsey-Werner-Mandabach
That's all the quotes for now. I'll add more later when I get them.