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�The time has come mon fe Apache
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Fe find one gal and to get marry
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But listen when me talk tell everybody
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Me wan me arranged marriage from me mum and daddy�
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So sang Apache Indian, in the early nineties resulting in one of the biggest hits of that year. Arranged Marriage � a custom and tradition peculiar to some cultures of the world, mine included.
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As a teenager I traveled to Italy on a student exchange program and while chatting with a number of people from countries as diverse such as South Africa, Spain and Egypt, I was asked �So would you be allowed to meet your husband before you marry him?� Taken aback by such a question I replied in the affirmative only to be probed further about the concept of parents selecting their children�s spouses and then marrying them off without even a courtship period. I decided to tread slowly and explained in detail to them that in fact it wasn�t all that archaic a system. There was a courtship period before the wedding and in many cases the families would have known each other or some common people for several years. I told them also that arranged marriages worked because essentially the parents would look for someone in their own community, with the same kind of family background, in the same strata of society, who was likely to have the same tastes, attitudes and aspirations as that of their own family and this made for a high probability that the marriage would work. I told them also that in a country like the US where the divorce rates were touching 50%, I would say that our system sure did work better.
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That was my patriotism, optimism and youth speaking.
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A few years later, when I was in what is called the marriageable age, in India, I erupted into a huge argument with my parents when I wanted to turn down several marriage proposals that I had received. It was inconceivable to me that I would have to spend the rest of my life with someone I didn�t know.
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That was my fear and independence speaking.
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There are enough statistics, proof and real life examples that indicate that arranged marriages have worked in the past and continue to work. There are enough matrimonial columns in the newspapers and now on websites to indicate that enough people are going in for this option. There are even enough changes in the tradition that make it evident that it has changed along with time and society.
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But there aren�t enough reasons in the world to convince me to go for it.
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I blame it on Bollywood. The Yash Chopra genre (DDLJ, DTPH etc) followed by the K series of film making (KKHH, K3G etc) have made the Indian public in general start believing in the concept of �there�s someone special out there for everyone�. And Valentine�s Day is now bigger than many other Indian festivals.
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The truth is that arranged marriages are actually a good way for two people to get together if they don�t have any other option, at the time. And besides you can�t really predict whether a marriage will work or not, irrespective of how it came into effect, for there are many, many driving factors.
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What you can predict is that the worst driving factor of all is parental and societal pressure. For many people are forced into believing that its time they got married. That there is a right and a wrong age to get married and that if they haven�t found someone yet, they should go for whoever�s the best they can get.
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What it boils down to is not really whether the marriage was love or arranged, but what marriage itself means.
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If you belong to the western school of thought and you believe that marriage is the commitment you make to the person you love that you will only love him or her forever, then there is no option for you other than to wait till you find your soul mate. If however, you are one of the millions of Indians who believe that marriage is a chance for two individuals to learn to love each other, make a life together and live happily ever after, then an arranged marriage would surely work for you.
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�Me say that a the man we call the match-maker
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Fe him job a to find the right partner
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Him have fe trod go a east and trod go a west
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And the north and the south fe find which gal best
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But no lie say me lie me have fe confess
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The Don Raja me want a princess�
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All marriages are made in heaven. Some just need the waving of a wand.
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