Hanso aur hansne do
Santa Banta
Santa Singh and Banta Singh were discussing how they would like to die.
Santa said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I dont want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time."
Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?"
Santa Singh replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving."
Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths's (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week Banta comes to Woolworth's with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: "What! This is shit!" Banta calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"
Santa Singh spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" Santa shouted. "This is her husband!"
Sardar Jokes
EK baar ek plane mein ek muslim, ek hindu, ek sardar aur ek american ja rahe hain. Suddenly plane ka ek engine goes bad. So everybody is advised to jump. But they find out that there are no parachutes on the plane.
Sardar being a little bold sochta hai saale marna to hai hi why not try something, vo apni turban kholta hai aur dono ends pakad ke jump laga deta hai. Luckily idea kaam kar jaata hai aur vo float karne lag jaata hai.
Seeing this hindu pandit also opens his dhoti and does the same, he also starts floating. Now Muslim also removes his kurta and does the same and he too starts floating. Now comes American's turn Poor chap is wearing a torn Bermudas and a tattered baniyan type T-shirt. Anyway he also removes them ties everything up and jumps.
Now he starts falling very quickly.
On the way to the ground he passes the Mohammedan, Who says "Allah tumhari khair kare", then he passes Pandit. Pandit says "Bhagwan tumhari raksha kare".
Now when he quickly passes Sardar, Sardar says "accha race lagana hai, to le" and he lets go of the turban.
A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily.
After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"
To this the Sardar replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin' ".
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs.
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks."
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"
Santa Singh went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Santa Singh in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Santa Singh, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Santa Singh said, "Puttar, we Surds celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Santa Singh's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Santa Singh told them that the Surds celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Santa Singh their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Santa Singh's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Santa Singh said, " I am dying from cancer, puttar. I just don't want any of them around your mother after I'm gone."
Once Santa Singh is out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees banta Singh on the opposite bank.
"Yoohoo" He shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
Banta Singh looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father." Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent. "
Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father, "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??"
The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."
Blonde Jokes
One day a boy was teasing a blonde and calling her dumb. The blonde was sick and tired of being called dumb, so she told the boy that she was going to prove that she was not dumb.
The blonde went home and studied all of the States' Capitals. She studied all evening.
The next day, the boy called her dumb. She reminded him of her challenge.
He told her that if she could prove that she was NOT dumb she would stop teasing her.
The Blonde told him that she knew Every Capital of every state.
He didn't believe her, so he asked what the Capital of Washington was.
Her reply: 'W'.
There was a blonde who wanted to make some money, so she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the park and grabbed a boy and pulled him behind a tree. She wrote a note that said, "I've kidnapped your son! Leave a bag of 10 000 dollars next to this tree tomorrow at 3 pm. Signed, a Blonde."
Then she pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his mom.
She went back to the tree the next day at 3:00 and sure enough, there was a bag.
She looked in and found 10 000 dollars along with a note that said, "Here's your money, but how could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,
"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"
General
A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother, "How old are you?"
Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."
The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?"
Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."
The little girl and her mother are shopping again.
The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old."
Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"
The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh too. You weigh 120 pounds."
The mother is flabbergasted.
She asks, "Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"
Four international businessmen are on the golf course, and there is a ringing sound. The Canadian guy goes to his golf bag, pulls out his cellular phone and talks for a minute with his office. "Very important to be in touch these days," he says. "Yes," his golfing partners agree.
A little bit later another, a different ring is heard, and the American golfer holds his hand up to his head (as if to imitate talking on the phone) and starts talking in what is clearly a real conversation.
After the call he explains to his friends, "It's the very latest in cellular technology--a speaker is attached to my thumb, and a microphone to my pinky. You can't even tell I have it on."
A couple of holes later, a different, muted, ringing sound is heard, and the German businessman in the foursome stands erect and begins talking, again an obviously real conversation.
When finished he explains, "This really is the latest in cellular technology. A speaker is implanted in my ear, and a microphone in the backside of a front tooth. I just stand at attention to talk."
Suitably impressed, the foursome continues their game.
Suddenly, the Japanese golfer excuses himself and ducks behind a bush. After he doesn't re-appear for several minutes, the American golfer goes to make sure he is okay. He finds him behind the bushes squatting down with his pants around his ankles.
"Is everything okay?" asks the American.
"Yes," replies the Japanese golfer, "If you could just give me a minute here, I'm expecting a fax..."
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long . But ya gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Enjoy ! ! !
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