Jokes

Definition of cricket

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

Out first ball

In a country town match, the batsman was out first ball. 'Not like last week,' said the wicket-keeper.

'No,' said the batsman. 'Last week I stayed in and got forty and when I got back all the beer was gone!'

Do it this way

The standard of batting in the local side was very low. Even at the net practice, they couldn't hit a thing. Finally, the captain rushed forward and grabbed the bat.

'Now bowl me some fast ones!' he yelled. Six fast balls came down in quick succession and the captain missed them all. Not to be put off he glared at the team and shouted,

'Now that's what you're all doing. Get in there and hit them!'

How I do it ?

The batsman had a large opinion of his prowess.

He was approached by a club member who couldn't resist saying to him, 'You know, whenever I watch you bat, I always wonder...'

'I know, I know. How I do it.'

'No. Why you do it.'

How many great batsmen?

The conceited batsman was at the crease. He turned to the wicket-keeper.

'Tell me, my man, just out of interest. How many great players would you say there are?

'One less than you think.'

Hit on the head

The fast bowler hit the batsman on the head and the batsman danced around in agony, clutching his foot. The opposing captain ran up to help and then said, 'Wait a minute. You were hit on the head. Why are you holding your foot?'

'My corn's giving me hell!' moaned the batsman.

Iron nerve

The captain called the batsman into his room. 'We've got some very tough matches coming up,' he said, 'and I wanted to talk to you because we need someone with an Iron nerve, a strong constitution and great skill in the side.

That's why I'm asking you to resign.'

Bottle of beer

The batsman was having a bad time. He played and missed at every ball and was becoming more hot and flusterred every minute. As the bowler was walking back; the batsman turned to the wicket-keeper.

'Phew,' he said 'what couldn't I do with a bottle of beer.'

The wicket-keeper thought for a moment. 'Hit it with the bat?

Your house is on fire

During the match, the batsman heard a cry from the crowd 'Smith! Smith! Your house is on fire!'

He dropped his bat and ran off the field, through the crowd and into the road. Breathlessly, he pounded along and then stopped.
'Why am I running?' he said. 'My name's not Smith!'

New batsman

The batsman was new to the side, and in his first innings he did so badly that the crowd began to slow hand-clap and barrack him. Things got worse. The language got more and more abusive, his play-more inept, and finally he was out. As he dashed for the pavilion, rotten fruit and eggs were thrown at him, but he managed to gain the- safety of the dressing-room, where the captain was waiting for him.

'Blimey!' panted the batsman, 'they don't like that umpire, do they?'

Woman batter

The despairing umpire was trying to control a ladies' cricket match. Preparing to give a guard to the opening bat, he asked, 'What would you like?' ;

'I'll have two legs . . . by the way, that sight screen is filthy and is my hair OK?'

A bat on HP

A weekend cricketer bought a bat on hire purchase. Several weeks later, a collector called on him.

'Now listen here,' said the collector, 'you're eight payments behind with your installments.'

'Well,' said the batsman, -'you advertise Pay as you Play, don't you?' 'So?' 'I play very badly. '!

Spider batsman

Later on in the same match, the fielding side groaned, as they watched the spider walk to the crease.'Oh no, not him again,' sighed the grasshopper. 'Is he good?' asked a beetle.

'It's not that,' said the grasshopper, 'it's just that he stays in so long. The only way to get him out is l.l.l.l.l.b.w. ! '

Great ball

Another famous cricketer was enticed down to a remote country village and took the field to tremendous hand from the crowd. He took his guard and faced the local fast bowler.

Down came the ball and uprooted his stumps. As he walked out he called to the bowler, "Magnificent ball."

"What did you expect?" the bowler growled. "A ruddy turnip?"

The poor slip

A slip fieldsman had a particularly depressing day during which he dropped no less than ten catches all off the same bowler. After the game he was talking to the bowler when he broke off and looked at his watch. "I must go," he said, "I have a train to catch." The bowler looked at him bitterly. "Let's hope you have better luck with that, then."

Stonewaller

The bowler was up against a stonewaller who never moved his bat. Every ball either hit the bat or passed harmlessly by, no stroke being offered.

The bowler turned to the umpire. 'Is he out if he doesn't move his bat?'

'No,' said the umpire. 'But he will be if he does!'

Notice any difference

The bowler had a dreadful match which cost his side the game. All week long he practiced hard for the next game. During the following match, he said to the captain, 'Notice any difference?'

The captain looked at him thoughtfully. 'You've had your hair cut, haven't you?'

Fed up with the umpire

The exasperated bowler turned to the umpire 'What would happen if I called you a stupid old fool ! who couldn't make a good decision to save his life'

'You would be fined and suspended'

'And if I only thought it?'

'Nothing could be done.'

'Well, we'll leave it like that, shall we'

Monster bowler

On Radio:".. he runs in to bowl, over the stumps. He has a forward-short leg, a backward short-leg, a square-leg and a deep fine leg".

Housewife: "Wow! the man must be a monster. No wonder all our boys are scared of him"

His length varies

The bowler's mother watched proudly from the stand. Next to her, a spectator turned to his companion.

'He's a good bowler,' he said, 'But his length varies.'

'Don't be ridiculous,' interrupted the mother. 'He's five foot seven, and always has been!'

Famous batsmen

A famous batsman was the big attraction when he was the guest player for the local team. Anxious to impress, the fast bowler keyed himself up to put every thing into his first ball. He ran up and hurled down a screamer which took our the off stump

'No ball,' called the umpire.

And then, to the bowler, 'Calm down, you idiot. They've come to see him bat, 'not you bowl !'

He'll sort him out

The batsman kept hitting the bowler to the square-leg boundary. The captain decided to take him off saying,

'This other bowler knows how to sort him out.'

The batsman duly knocked the ball for a six over the bowler's head.

'I see your idea,' called the first bowler.

'You made him change direction!'

Got a minute

The sarcastic bowler was disgusted by several of the umpire's decisions.
'Have you got a minute?' he asked.

'Yes,' said the umpire.

'Well, tell me all you know about cricket.'

How is she doing

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he dialled the number for Lord's.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got two out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.

When were we married ?

George was always thinking of cricket. Eventually, his exasperated wife said, "You think nothing but cricket. I bet you don't even remember the day we were married."

"Of course I do," said George. "It was the day Sir Colin Cowdrey got a 100 not out against Surrey."

Blonde newlywed

The newly-wed wife of a cricketer said to the sports shop keeper: 'I'd like a hundred runs, please '

'A hundred runs?' he replied, mystified.

'For my husband's birthday,' she said 'It's something he's always wanted!'

Unusual catch

A famous slip fieldsman was noted for his quick reflexes. One day, as he walked down the street, he passed a building that was on fire.

With great presence of mind, he dashed forward and caught a small child as it jumped. Then, from force of habit, he threw it in the air....

Why do you run?

A wealthy Arab was the weekend guest at a country house where the host decided to introduce him to the game of cricket. The Arab watched with interest and he seemed to enjoy the game. Afterwards, the host asked him, 'Well, how did you like it?'

'Fine,' said the Arab, 'there's just one thing that I don't understand 'Well, when you hit the ball you run all over the place. Why don't you get your servants to do that for you?'