by Solo Maxwell

"Today on Jerry Springer, People Who Are Sick of Their Friends Sappy, Gay

Relationships. First up on this show, we have Wufei Chang, Wufei, will you tell

us exactly why you're here?"

"Because I'm fucking tired of them going around fucking in front of me!"

"Calm down, Wufei. Who's them?"

"My fellow gundam pilots, Heero, Duo, Trowa and Quatre. They are continually

fucking around, doing all the sappy stuff you can name! They are only fifteen

years old, and they're screwing, and if that's not enough, they're all guys!"

"So those four boys are screwing each other in a gay foursome?"

"No, you prick! Trowa is with Quatre, and Heero is with Duo, but you will see

that for yourself. Don't be surprised if they start doing it right here in

front of everyone. They have no sense of justice, much less a sense of morals."

"Ok, so, who's ready to meet these boys?"

The crowd screams as the four pilots came out, dressed in their usual apparel,

Heero glares at the crowd while holding the bouncing and waving Duo's hand, and

Trowa comes behind Quatre, arms around the blonde's slim waist. They sit down,

scooting their chairs close to their respective boyfriends.

"Hi boys. If you don't already know, your on Jerry Springer, that's me, and

the theme is People Who Are Sick of Their Friends Sappy, Gay Relationships, so

Wufei," motions towards the scowling pilot, "Brought you here."

"Damn right I brought them here, you guys are sick and have no sense of

justice. I'm disgusted by all of the sex and fluffy sap!"

"You're just jealous, Wu-man! It's not our fault you can't get any, besides,

Heero's so sexy I can't keep my hands off him!" To prove his point, Duo ran his

hand up Heero's inner thigh, gently brushing over the growing bulge in the

Japanese pilots' pants.

Wufei glared at Duo, then turned to confront the other two, and found Quatre

sitting in Trowa's lap, giving the Latin pilot a get-us-a-room-quick french

kiss.

"Argh! You no good sons of bitches fucking bastards have no fucking justice!"

"Oh, but Wu," Duo grinned, "We have a great 'fucking justice'. Want me to show

ya?"

Jerry calmly handed Wufei a napkin.

"What the hell is this for?"

"In all of those lemon fanfics I've read, you always get a nosebleed from this

kind of talk, so I figured you would need something to staunch the blood."

Wufei's face turned red with surpressed rage. "I've never had a nosebleed

before in my life! Those stupid writers don't know how to portray my true

nature."

Quatre's clothes flew across the room and landed on Wufei. He sputtered

pulling the garments off of him, finishing just in time to get hit with Trowa's.

The crowd was going wild, cheering and yelling catcalls.

Wufei rose from under the pile of clothes, death burning in his eyes, and

stalked towards the now naked couple.

"All right you two! Break it up!" He pulled Trowa off of Quatre by his

uni-bang. "No sex on live TV. You guys are here to get past this gay sex thing

and maybe then I'll get some fucking peace and quiet!"

Duo snickered as Wufei realized what his comment implicated.

"No you perverts! That's not what I meant you sick minded assfuckers!"

"We're perverts? Hmm, Heero? Am I a pervert?" Duo blinked his eyes

innocently, then tackled Heero, stripping both of them of their clothes, and

tossed the clothing on top of the Chinese pilot.

"That is it! I've had it with your guy's sick actions and not to mention the

fact that I have every detail of your bodies engraved in my mind."

"Jeez, Wu-man, you go around calling us perverts. Why are ya memorizing the

way we look, huh?" Duo flashed a peace sign, grinning idiotically, then was

pinned beneath Heero as the dark haired pilot pressed heated kisses down his

neck and chest.

"All right. We need to get some semblance of order here. Security! Bob,

where is security?"

"They are all gay, sir, and decided to take the night off to watch this show at

home with their boyfriends."

"What? Uh, ok. Umm, we'll be right back after this commercial."

Bob ran a short commercial while Jerry uses the napkin he had given to Wufei

earlier and wiped the nervous sweat from his brow.

"Ok you bunch of homosexual freaks, calm down and sit in you chairs, we've got

a new group coming out."

"I'm not a homosexual, Mr. Hair Emergency person." Wufei stood nose to nose

with Jerry.

"I own this damn show and I can say anything I want, which includes calling you

names! Now just sit your pretty asses down and let me get on with this show!

You-"

"Jerry-uh-"

"Shut up. I'm yelling over here! Now, you sick group of pilots can either

learn to behave or you can get the hell out of my studio. Is that clear?"

"Uh, Jerry…"

"What the fuck do you want, Bob?"

"Sir, you've been on air since Wufei made his comment about you're hair."

"Why didn't you tell me?!!!"

"I tried to, but-"

"Don't let this happen again!"

"You're still on the air."

Jerry quickly soothed his hair and put on his best smile.

"Hi everyone and welcome back! Next on the show we have a man who says that

he's sick of these pilots acting this way for the simple fact that Wufei won't

let him act that way except when their alone."

Crowd 'Oohs' and a 'Busted' sign slams on the TV audiences screen, as Trieze

walks out onto the platform.

"Dragon, baby, where have you been? Love, I looked everywhere for you! I'm so

glad you're all right." He ran over to Wufei and passionately kissed him while

Duo cheers and Heero wolf whistles.

Everyone was graced to the sight of 'straight' Wufei do a full body blush and

try to push Trieze away.

Duo and Quarter were rolling on the floor with laughter as Trowa and Heero's

shoulders shook with the effort not to laugh.

"Shut up!" Wufei ground through clenched teeth with a Heero Yuy death glare.

"Trieze, I told you before not to touch me in public!"

"But Dragon, you're just so sexy, I fell like I need to let the whole world

know how much you mean to me."

Wufei sweatdropped. "Trieze, we're on Jerry Springer, you just did."

Duo was suffering from lack of air, and was crying from laughing so hard, so

Heero decided to 'help' him by giving him mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Jerry took out a bottle of migraine medicine and took six pills. "Can we get

some sort of order in here, please? Everyone! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Silence ruled as the fighters and crowd turned to stare at Jerry.

"Now, I will NOT have my show overrun by your immaturity. Sit in your chairs

and keep your hands to your selves. Got it?!"

The pilots all nodded mutely and quietly returned to their seats.

"Trieze! You fucking slut!"

All eyes turned to a tall man with platinum blonde hair stalking across the

stage towards a withering Trieze.

"Uh, Zechs, what are you doing here?"

"I was watching TV and I saw your confession to your *Dragon*." Zechs sneered,

"What about me, huh? You told me that you loved me!"

Wufei jumped up and turned on Trieze who seemed to be getting smaller by the

second.

Jerry looked at the medicine pills, thought 'what the hell', and swallowed the

whole bottle of pills.

Zechs and Wufei began to go at it, just a cloud of dust on stage with bits of

clothing flying from it.

Heero, who was continuing to 'help' Duo breathe, even though he could breathe

on his own now, was pulled into the fight, as well as Trowa, Quatre, Trieze and

Jerry.

For a few minutes, nothing could be seen other than dust and a fist once in

awhile.

Eventually, a figure emerged in tattered clothing, trying his best to look

dignified.

"Thank you for tuning in to the Jerry Springer show, there will not be another

one. I'm quitting and moving as far away from these gay freaks as possible!"

Duo's voice could be heard saying, "So, Wu-man, guess you have a 'fucking

justice', and your 'fucking peace and quiet'. Man, I guess you can get some!"

"MAXWELL!"

Maniacal laughter could be heard, then strangling noises.

"I can't take this anymore!"

"Jerry, I have something to tell you."

"Yes Bob?"

"I love you."

"Ahhhhh!! Lemme outa here!" Jerry ran, never to be seen again.

Duo grabbed the mic. "Is this thing on? Ok. We'd like you to know that we

are taking over this show and renaming it Gay Porn For Guys"

All: "Yay!" Then chant, "Duo, Heero, Trowa Quatre, Wufei, Trieze, Zechs…"

(repeat)

"Tune in for more gay guy porn next week!"

Chanting continues along with cheers.

Jerry sat up in bed, gasping for breath.

"Man, I need to stop watching those Gundam Wing marathons!"

When he arrived at the show, he was told his upcoming guests were waiting to

meet him. He walked into the room, shrieked, and ran.

Duo scratched his head and looked at the other pilots.

"Sheesh, what's his problem?"

-Owari-

K, well, that was weird. Very OOC, but I warned ya! Comments appreciated.

Solo