Heero tightened the tourniquet around Duo's forearm until the smaller boy cried out weakly, only then

satisfied that it would be tight enough. As bloody water soaked through his jeans, the former Wing pilot

counted the minutes until the ambulance would arrive, praying it would be soon enough.

Gripping Duo's slit wrists, Heero lifted his lover's arms until they rested on his shoulders, not caring that

blood soon soaked into the fabric of his tank top, in order to let gravity help reduce the blood flow to

Duo's opened veins.

The cooling, pink-tinted water in the bathtub lapped at Heero's thighs as he knelt over Duo's pale form,

but he didn't even notice, his attention entirely focused on keeping the violet-eyed boy alive.

"How could you DO this, Duo?" Heero's voice sounded harsh and raw to his own ears, strained almost

to the breaking point with anger and grief, and Duo flinched at the accusatory tone. When the

long-haired teenager didn't reply, or even open his eyes, Heero shook him a little and repeated his

question.

A faint glint of amethyst became visible as Duo cracked one eye open part way, and he whispered

tiredly, "Do you have ANY idea how hypocritical that question is, coming from you?"

That brought Heero up short, a half-dozen of his own suicide attempts springing to recollection. Staring

down at the pale body of his lover, the blue-eyed ex-pilot protested weakly, "That was different..."

Duo laughed bitterly, head lolling to the side a bit. "Bullshit. How was that different?"

Heero scowled and pulled Duo closer, shaking his head. "The war is OVER damn, it... we don't have

to... we finally have a chance..."

"Aa. The war is over. Time to get on with our lives, and go our separate ways, right?" Duo mumbled,

voice barely audible, but dripping with pain.

Shock silenced Heero for a long moment, then he exclaimed, "NO! You thought... you thought I'd

LEAVE you? How could you possibly..." But even as he said it, the short-haired teenager knew the

answer. He certainly hadn't made it very clear how he felt, had gone out of his way to pretend it was all

just sex, in fact. In war, there was no room for love, like it or not, it was a weakness he couldn't afford.

But the war was OVER... and he'd waited too long trying to gather his courage.

A tight, brittle little laugh bubbled past Duo's blue- tinged lips. "Everyone leaves me, eventually. And

you tried to leave me, so many times... Damn you, I would have given my LIFE to protect you, and all

you wanted to do was DIE."

Heero's eyes burned with what could only be tears, and he choked out, "It wasn't LIKE that! I wasn't

TRYING to leave you! I couldn't... how could I live with myself, Duo? I FUCKED UP too many

times! All those innocents..."

"Were already DEAD! Killing yourself wouldn't have brought them back! Nothing brings the dead

back! God... it's always the same. I loved you, and you were enamored only of the dead." Duo choked

on his own words, a soft, pained moan emerging from deep in his throat.

Shaking his head frantically, Heero nearly shouted, "You're wrong! I DO love you! I always did, I just

couldn't say it, couldn't believe it... not until the war was over, and we didn't have to kill anymore... die

anymore."

A weak parody of hysterical laughter echoed in the room as Duo mused, "No more Death... is that

what you want? Then maybe you're better off without Shinigami..."

Heero held Duo tightly enough to bruise, desperate, near to panic at the thought of losing something he

only recently allowed himself to believe he could really have. "NO! You're not Death! You're the most

alive person I've ever known! I don't want to lose you!"

Duo sighed softly, going limp. "Iie... I'm not who you think I am. I couldn't live up to what you want.

Eventually, you'd leave, if not now, then later. You'd forget me. But even if you can forget Death, I

know you never forget your dead..."

As the long-haired teenager went limp in his arms, Heero felt his chest constrict. He couldn't breathe,

couldn't move, couldn't think, frozen as the paramedics burst through the door and attempted to pry

Duo's body out of his grip.

The former Gundam pilot numbly refused to budge, until the buzzing noises resolved themselves into

speech, and he understood what the paramedics were trying to tell him; Duo was not dead, not yet, but

he would be soon if Heero didn't LET GO.

It took a moment to convince his arms to move, but eventually Heero managed to pull away from the

too-still form of his lover. He stared blankly, watching as Duo was lifted onto a stretcher, soon to be

wheeled away. His lack of motion attracted the attention of one paramedic, however, and soon he

found himself being cajoled, carried, and otherwise helped out of the bathtub. Someone was saying

something about "shock," and then the room tilted and everything went black.

*****

Duo was dreaming. He knew that, in theory, but that knowledge never seemed to help make it any less

REAL. Until it reached the ending, he was stuck.

A little boy, no more than five or six years old, from the look of him, sat on a hard, uncomfortable

chair, which was placed just to one side of an almost-closed office door. The hallway around him was

painted a pale, soothing blue, and unadorned, save for the school motto painted over the archway at

the end.

Inside the office, two men were speaking. The little boy wasn't supposed to be hearing what they said,

Duo knew now, but that not-quite-closed door allowed the conversation to carry out into the hall.

"Mr. Murdock..." a deep, level voice began, then paused for a moment before continuing in a

sympathetic tone, "I understand that you're in mourning, but we have some concerns about your son."

"Looks just like his mother... those eyes. Violet eyes are so rare, so beautiful... Lydia could stop an

argument just by looking at me with those eyes. Lydia..." This second voice was somewhat higher, and

soon trailed off into a little sob.

There was another brief pause, then the deeper voice spoke again. "Mr. Murdock, please, try to think

of your son. He's lost his mother, just as you have lost your wife, and he doesn't seem to be dealing

with it well. The only thing he will ever say on the subject is "Everyone dies, eventually," and then he

just... smiles. Needless to say, this is not normal behaviour for a Kindergarten student whose mother

has just died."

"Lydia was like that. Always had a smile on, even when things got bad. Strong. She was so strong. Her

smiles lifted everyone up, made it seem like everything would be okay. But she's gone and it's NOT

okay! It will never be okay again!" Mr. Murdock collapsed into loud, wracking sobs, and if the other

man spoke again, the little boy didn't hear it.

Hands pressed over his ears, Ciaran Murdock tried to block out the sound of his father's grief.

Rocking back and forth on his chair, a sickly smile twisting his features, the little boy whispered over

and over, "If I smile, it will be okay... if I smile, it won't hurt..."

Duo closed his eyes and shuddered, adding softly, "But it DOES still hurt, ne, Ciaran?"

When he opened his eyes again, the scene had changed. The same little boy, dressed now in a pair of

pyjamas, walked down a carpeted hallway, rubbing his eyes sleepily. Something had woken him -

some sound, or maybe just a feeling, even Duo never had figured that part out.

Into the living room, Ciaran walked, looking for his father, a sick feeling roiling in his gut. And find his

father he did.

Slumped in his favourite chair, Patrick Murdock bled his life away through opened veins. Blood

covered everything - the chair, the grey carpet, the empty bottle of rum resting on the floor by one

lifeless foot. The smell of it filled Ciaran's nose and he doubled over, vomiting violently until there was

nothing left in his stomach, and then still he gagged, dry heaves tearing at his insides, bile burning in his

throat.

For what seemed like hours, the young boy knelt there on the bloody carpet, then he lurched to his

feet, swaying in place as he stared blankly at his father's corpse. Then, suddenly, Ciaran whirled, and

ran. Out of the living room, out the front door, into the cool night he ran, wanting nothing more than to

escape the image of the blood-soaked room.

Duo watched numbly, shaking his head. "You can never escape your own life..."

The scene shifted again, and now the little brown- haired boy was huddled in an alley, dirty, skinny,

and shaking with cold. Seemingly out of nowhere, another skinny, filthy boy, this one a good many years older than Ciaran, appeared. His blond hair was matted and tangled, but still reached to mid -back, and Duo knew that

the little boy was thinking that an angel had come to take him away.

Duo reached out, as if to touch the figure in his dream, sighing softly, "Solo..."

Images began to flash by rapidly, then. Two smiling, laughing, ragged-looking boys, leading a band of

equally ragged other little boys, ran and stole and played, making the very best of every little blessing

their rough lives provided. It all passed before Duo's eyes in a heartbeat; the dream never did linger on

the good stuff, no matter how often the violet-eyed Gundam pilot tried to make it do so.

All too soon, the flow of images slowed again, and Duo moaned. This was one of the parts he hated

most. The brown -haired child, now re-named "Key," knelt by Solo's supine form, shaking the older

boy's shoulder. A smile, a real one this time, lit up Key's face as he said, "I did it, Solo! I got the cure,

we'll all be okay now!"

Amber eyes opened slowly and Solo took a deep, rattling breath. "Sorry, kid... I tried to hold on for

ya, but... don't think that cure's gonna do much for me, anymore. Save it for the others, ne? You gotta

put them first, now that you're in charge."

Tears sprang to Key's amethystine eyes. "No! Don't be stupid. You're the Leader, you always will be!

Not me!"

Solo raised on emaciated hand and brushed his thumb over Key's high cheekbone. "Shh... gotta be

strong, kid. Boys don't cry, 'least not where anyone can see 'em."

Key wiped hastily at his dirt-smudged cheeks, drying the tears. "Please don't leave me..."

The dying boy winced and sighed. "Ahhh... ya know I don't want to, Key. I want to see you grow up...

you're gonna be a real heartbreaker, with those eyes. But I don't think I got a choice on this one."

Smiling tiredly, Solo slipped his hand around to the back of Key's neck, pulling the younger boy closer.

"So humour the dyin' guy, alright? I wanted to save this for when ya were older... but I guess it's now

or never..."

Key started to say that he didn't understand, then Solo closed those last few inches, pressing his lips

against his protégé's. The younger boy froze, eyes going impossibly wide.

Then Solo pulled away just enough to whisper, "I love ya, Ciaran," using Key's full name for the first

time in more than a year, "Even death ain't ever gonna change that."

Closing his amber eyes for the last time, Solo smiled sadly and shuddered once, then his hand slipped

away from Ciaran's neck, his arm falling limply to the ground.

Violet eyes went wider still, and Key screamed. "No! Damn you, don't leave me! SOLO!"

Duo watched tiredly as his younger self sobbed helplessly over Solo's body, and felt tears sliding down

his own cheeks. "I never stopped loving you, either, Solo..."

"I've been meanin' to talk to ya about that, actually."

Shock immobilized Duo for a moment, then he spun around. His jaw dropped when he recognized the

figure standing before him - it was Solo, though an older, cleaner Solo. Solo as he might have looked

now, if he were alive.

"This... isn't part of the dream. You... don't belong here..." Duo protested, stunned by this break in a

familiar routine.

Solo shrugged. "I've always been here. You've just never been close enough to dead to see me,

before."

Duo frowned and asked hesitantly, "Close to... dead?"

Shaking his head sadly, the blond ghost replied, "I'm gettin' ahead of myself, here. It's just that there

isn't too much time left, and this dream takes forever, ne, Key?. Or, rather, Duo. Gotta say, I DID like

that... takin' a new name to remember me by. Classy. My point, if there is one, if that, while I do love

ya desperately, I still think you're being a complete idiot."

Taken aback, Duo blinked and floundered for a response of some sort.

Impatiently, Solo grabbed the shorter boy's shoulders and shook him a little. "What did I tell ya to do

after I died, huh?"

Guilt darkened Duo's features and he muttered, "Take care of the others."

"And what did ya do?"

"... I tried to die."

"Why?"

"To... be with you..."

"REMIND you of anyone, genius?"

Duo sighed deeply and bowed his head. "My father."

"Bingo. You knew... you KNEW what it was like to have someone you depended on abandon you for

a dead love... and you tried to do the same fuckin' thing, anyway."

The brown-haired teenager winced. "I know! I tried to make up for it. I tried my best to take care of

them, after that."

Solo's expression softened and he stroked Duo's face gently. "Yeah. Ya did real good, kid. I

shouldnt'a yelled at ya for that. Ancient history, and ya did pull your head outta your ass, after. For a

while there I really though ya were gonna be okay."

"I thought so, too. But then..."

The scenery changed, and Solo looked up. "Yeah... then."

Duo turned, his gaze following Solo's, and he bit his lip when he saw the all too familiar scene before

him.

A younger Duo knelt in the ruins of the Maxwell Orphanage, his dry, vacant eyes raised to the sky, the

corpse of a nun lying almost in his lap.

Strong arms wrapped around him from behind, and the Deathscythe pilot started, glancing back at

Solo out of the corner of his eye.

Breath too warm to belong to a dead man tickled at Duo's ear as Solo said quietly, "It tore ya up

inside, and for good reason. But ya wouldn't admit it. Ya lied to yourself like ya lied to everyone else.

Ya pretended it was all okay. But it wasn't okay, was it?"

"... No..."

"And it ate at ya and ate at ya. Ya got more and more obsessed with Death, and more and more

convinced that you were cursed."

Duo shivered, not knowing what to say to that.

Solo continued, mercilessly, "And then came the war, and then ya met Heero. A walkin time bomb.

Bad news with a capital "B." He fit everythin' ya wanted in a man. He treated you like dirt, validating

your belief that you deserved it. He tried to suicide, over and over, confirming your fear that everyone

you ever cared about would abandon you. He fed every single screwed up notion in your screwed up

little head, and he never even knew it."

"That's not fair! I love Heero!"

Hugging Duo tighter, Solo sighed. "Yeah, now ya do. Didn't start out that way, though."

"I... I... I know."

"But now ya do love him. And for a lot of the right reasons, even. Except that love always seems to

make ya stupid, kid. Do ya remember what happened yet?"

"... I slit my wrists."

"Yeah. Over a GUY."

"... I..."

"Even if he DIDN'T love you, that's still a fuckin' stupid reason to kill yourself."

Duo nodded miserably. "I know. It just seemed..."

Solo snorted. "You let all that pain and grief and other bad shit build up, while you pretended like you

were just some happy-go-lucky brat, until you go so twisted up inside that even the possibility of

rejection seemed like the end of the world."

"... Yeah. Yeah. God DAMN it! I'm a fucking moron!"

The blond man chuckled. "And I'm not done makin' ya feel stupid yet, either. I wanna make DAMN

sure you learn your lesson, this time."

Understanding dawned, and Duo groaned. "You wanted me to figure all this out myself, BEFORE I did

something stupid. That's why you sent me the dreams..."

"See? There IS a brain under all that hair. But since showin' ya what ya already know never did the

trick, here's a little bit of new info to drive this lesson home. Remember this?" the tall ghost asked, as

the scene jumped from the ruins of the orphanage to a small bedroom.

A young man was seated at one of the two desks in the room, his back to Duo and Solo. The

teenager, wearing his usual jeans and green tank top ensemble, was studiously working on something.

For once, his laptop computer was absent, as Heero seemed to be trying to write something out on

paper.

Closing his eyes, the long-haired dreamer leaned back against his long-dead first love. "How could I

forget? It was only a couple days ago. That was the day Quatre and Trowa threw a big party to

celebrate the war ending. I asked him to come with me, but he just snapped "I'm busy" and kept right

on working."

A lock of blond hair brushed against Duo's cheek as Solo leaned forward, saying, "Let's take a closer

look at what your boy was writing, ne?"

Duo dutifully opened his eyes and saw that now it was as if he were standing right behind Heero,

looking over his shoulder.

The former Wing Gundam pilot was frowning in concentration as he meticulously wrote what appeared

to be a letter. Even as the violet-eyed boy began to look closer, Solo read the letter aloud.

"Damn, the kid writes like a freakin' textbook," the amber-eyed ghost noted.

Duo watched in shock as Heero growled in frustration and tore up the half-finished letter, then took out

a fresh sheet of paper and started over again.

"Better, but still pathetic. Are you SURE you want this guy, Duo?"

The second letter met the same fate as the first one, and again Heero started anew, muttering to

himself, "Just be honest."

"Dear Duo,

you. I love you. Yes, those are the words. I, Heero Yuy, love you, Duo Maxwell. Eien ni aishiteru.

"Now THAT is a letter. Not flowery, but it works," Solo said, sounding satisfied.

Duo felt his knees go weak and he shook his head. "I never... I didn't know. He never let on..."

Solo squeezed reassuringly, but chided gently, "You should know better than anyone that appearances

can be deceiving. Do you know why I didn't show you this first, instead of last?"

"Be... because you wanted me to want to live for ME, not for someone else. You wanted me to

understand why what I did was stupid..."

A soft sigh ruffled Duo's hair and Solo replied sadly, "Yeah. And now you do understand... so it's time

to make your choice."

A cold, unpleasant lump began to form in the shorter boy's stomach as he asked, "Choice? What

choice?"

"Well, I showed ya what was. Now this is what is," Solo stated, and the scene changed one last time,

showing now a starkly white hospital room.

Lying on the bed was Duo's body. Sitting in a chair next to the bed, holding the unconscious pilot's

hand, was Heero. The former Wing pilot looked as if he hadn't slept for days - there were dark circles

under his eyes, and his hand shook a little when he raised it to brush his unruly hair out of his eyes.

The door creaked open, and Quatre slipped into the room, frowning at Heero. "Heero, go home. Get

some sleep. They told you they'd call you when he wakes up. I'll stay with him, if you like."

The blue-eyed teenager shook his head, saying desperately, "NO! I have to be here... he has to know I

won't leave him. He has to know I..."

Quatre hesitated, then hugged Heero tightly. The blond Arabian looked a little shocked when the other

boy accepted the gesture, but all he said was, "Alright. But I'll ask the doctor to bring you a cot. Then

you can sleep in here, with him. Deal?"

After a moment of silence, Heero gruffly agreed. When the cot arrived, the exhausted ex-pilot dragged

it as close to Duo's bed as he could get it, then lay down and gripped his lover's hand once more,

falling asleep that way.

Solo sighed deeply and held on to Duo's dreaming self a little tighter. "So there you have it. You can

choose to live, and go back to him, or... or you can die, and stay here... with me. They fixed your

body, but no one but you can choose for your soul to return to it."

Duo froze, then craned his neck to look back at Solo in utter shock. "You... expect me to be able... to

choose between you and Heero? That's not FAIR!"

Dropping his head to nuzzle Duo's hair, the blond ghost whispered sadly, "It's the same thing all over

again, ya know. Only this time you're not young and stupid. Ya know what ya have to choose."

Choking a little, Duo turned, hugging Solo desperately. "But... I'll have to lose you all over again..."

The blond man's voice was suspiciously tight as he replied, "Ya NEVER lost me. Ya never will. I'll be

right here. I'll wait for ya. Promise. And then me and Heero can duke it out for ya, 'kay?"

Standing on his tiptoes, Duo gave Solo a gentle kiss, smiling past his tears. "Deal."

Solo grinned, touching his fingertips to his lips wonderingly. "Ah, get movin' before I change my mind

and try to make ya stay."

Somewhat reluctantly, Duo pulled away, only looking back once before closing his eyes and willing

himself back into his body.

*****

Heero woke instantly as he felt Duo's fingers tighten around his hand. Opening his eyes, he looked over

at the bed beside him, worry etched clearly on his features.

Duo brought Heero's hand to his lips and kissed the back of it, gently. His violet eyes were sad as he

whispered, "I love you, too."

Lips twitching in what he strongly suspected might be a smile, the blue-eyed pilot squeezed Duo's hand

and said nothing at all, knowing from the look on his lover's face that, somehow, the long-haired

teenager already knew everything that he might want to say.

~Owari~