Adventures 5

Thoughts, musings, and wonderings.

New Years Resolutions for 2008 (12-29-07)
Well, it's been an eventful year, maybe even the most eventful of my over 22 years on this planet. I am now a college graduate with an office job. Part of the reason I didn't want to spend this holiday season in Canada was because I wanted to reflect on 2007 a bit before I say goodbye to it. I am one of those people that actually buy into the whole New Years celebration. I have always found dates important and I view the New Year as a chance to change things.

1. Well, I guess my first resolution for 2008 would be to get out more. I love movies and I love video games. I do not see that changing anytime in the future as these things will probably forever be a part of my life. For a while this year, after I started working, I was completely satisfied with video games and movies as pretty much my only recreation. But I do miss people. As much as I would like to say I hate people, the fact is, I like people, or at least I like being around the people I like. One of the great surprises of starting my job was just getting to know my co-workers. Meeting new people is great as long as I get along with them. How long will this last, given my track record with gaining and losing friends constantly? I don't know. I hope it lasts a while. I feel like I should get out into the world and meet more people. Even if they don't become friends, getting to know a little about anyone is interesting.

2. Lose Weight. The goal is 50 pounds for this year. I've had this goal for a while. But maybe the new year will renew my motivation.

3. Do a good job. Even though my job has adding a good amount of stress to my life, it's not nearly as stressful as not having a job. That period before I started working was the most stressful part of the year by far. So, I'm glad I have my job and gladder still for co-workers that lighten the mood. So in response, I want to get better at my job.

4. Stay in touch with college friends. It feels like just as college ended, there was a great dispersal and everyone kind of seperated out to do their own thing. Or at least that's the way it was from my perspective. I've only really kept in touch with Jason, Kim, Jon, and Wayne a bit. Where has everyone else gone. I feel I need to put more effort into this because I certainly don't want my college friends to drift out of my life like my high school friends did as college progressed.

5. Finish a screenplay I'm proud of. This has been resolution since I was 16 and I have yet to do it. It's a new year and I'm a little more grown up. Maybe my writing will improve.

I guess there are a lot of other things I want to accomplish, but that would be the five most important. 2007 was tumutlous with loads of ups and downs, but that's life and it was, in the end, a good year.
Early Twenties (9-10-07)
The older I get, the more emotional and mental challenges seem to arrive. Being in your early twenties is about as much of a pain as college and high school was. In high school, as I went throught my strong emotional ups and downs, there was something always in the back of my mind. And as I got closer to graduation, it became more and more apparent. My parents have expectations for me. I think this expectation comes from the combination of big success stories they hear about other people my age and the standard my brother has set. It seems like I always fall just below what they expected. Instead of a 90 average, I got an 89. I was always a strong B student. I didn't become a doctor, an accountant, or an investment banker. I'm something just below that.

It feels like I always fall just short of making them proud. If it wasn't for my lack of ambition and slacker attitude, I think this would bother me a lot more, maybe even consume me. But, as it stands, it's just something I think about. I wish it weren't so. But, sadly, it is. But I think it is slowly building up.

I think this is a result of where I am in my life. College is over, and I feel somewhat grown up since I started getting up early and putting on a tie five days a week. I'm just kind of wondering, what's next. My goal for the last 16 years has been reached. I'm falling into that consumer trap, where I'm pretty much just working toward my next big purchase.

Also, I keep thinking back to all the stuff I should've done in college and high school. But I guess that's advice I'll have to save for my children. It's over.

Kicking around the idea of grad school is a bit of trouble as well. But at this stage I think it's something I want to avoid. But the way things are going, it might become a necessity soon.

But I guess every age comes with it's own problems. But there are also certain good things. No Homework is a big plus. Having some independence is also a blast. Although, I am running the risk of getting carried away with that. Every age also comes with good things.
J.O.B. and other thoughts (8-3-07)
So today, on the way to work, I had my Creative Zen Nano. I can't sport 40 gig Ipods like my fellow co-workers, but I'm the youngest one, so I have to build a foundation before I can carry around thousands of song. So I had my one gig of music, a huge chunk of which is Flogging Molly. So, I'm riding along on the 6 train and Black Friday Rule starts filling my ears and right now, in the small portion of the universe that is my life, that is the greatest song ever. It's long, it's got great lyrics, it just gets me ready for a day at the office.

It's funny for me to say a day at the office. But then again, I guess I'm growing up. Granted, it's not UBS, PWC, or Ernst & Young, or any of the other crazy cool jobs some of the people I know have. But, then again, I never really pictured myself in any of those firms. Economics is a social science, and if Big Four was the goal, I would've tried for the School of Management. I'm really starting to like it over in the Loan Department of Mutual of America. The people are cool, I'm learning the job, and all in all, I'm happy. It's great, after so much interviewing, to find a place that I was comfortable with and that was comfortable with me.

After two weeks of work, the future seems to be getting more and more manageable. I'm no longer scared out of my mind. That said, the summer is still going by way too damn quickly. It's already August. WTF! Ah well, I guess it comes with the territory. Summer vacations are over. That is a sad thought, but I guess working has it's own advantages.

So, all in all, I'm liking the whole working thing, except for the waking up early part. But that's what Black Friday Rule is for, to wake me up. Life is pretty good right now.
My Gripe With Bollywood Movies (7-12-07)
I am West Indian, meaning I am from Indian descent. Indian movies, as a result of this, are part of my culture. Bollywood movies are very popular in Guyana and my parents, aunts, and uncles all watch a lot of Bollywood movies.

There are Bollywood movies that I like. The greatest example of this is Lagaan, a movie which I've seen five times. I believe it is a classic. It's a movie that uses its long running time effectively. Characters, setting, and conflict are all very well established. It is a movie characterized by beautiful shots and strong nationalistic themes. The music is fitted into every part of the movie and the musical numbers feel natural.

Sadly, most Bollywood movies are entertainment showcases. Some of the music I enjoy. The women are absolutely beautiful. The dance numbers, when done well are fun to watch. But as movies, there is really not much to say. Bollywood movies don't require that much intelligence to watch. You can watch one of these movies without subtitles and still get what's going on because they are so simple. There is a good reason for this. These movies were not originally made for the most intelligent people. They were made for vast numbers of people with hard lives to go to in order to escape. They're made to be extravagant and completely unreal, because honestly, when your life is hard, you don't want to watch it on the screen. Once in a while you get one that tries to deal with something political or even philosophical, but even these end up overstating their themes.

Here's the thing about these movies. The fact that I don't like 99.9% of them has nothing to do with me hating my Indian heritage. I love where I come from and everything that comes from. I don't like Bollywood movies because they're not very artistic for the most part. There's so little to these movies, that I sometimes can't get why people that are intelligent enjoy them. But then again there are people that don't watch movies that are black or white and those that don't like to read subtitles. These are perfectly intelligent people too. I think it's funny that the people that tell me I don't like Bollywood movies because they're Indian seem to be people that like Bollywood movies only because they're Indian.

They're something about watching Indian people on the screen that my parents find fascinating. Maybe, with modern times, I learned to judge movies based on their merits and not the race of the actors. My parents are from an older time. It's like Chinese people that like only Chinese movies or Koreans that like only Korean soap operas. These are people that draw mental lines when it comes to race and ethnicity.

I am glad I don't do this. My favorite movies are composed of American, Japanese, Chinese, French, and British movies for the most part. Lagaan is somewhere up there as well. No movie should be judged because of one factor. Movies are a combination of a lot of art forms. Even people who judge movies purely by acting or plot are only seeing part of the movie.

Bollywood movies are not good for the most part. And the people that like them are clearly blinded by the fact that the movies are from India. Some just like the music and the dance numbers. Those, I like. In some movies they are done so well, I'll stomach an entire movie to watch them. But there's a reason why on the DVDs, there's a song only feature, where you can just watch the musical numbers and skip the rest of the movie. Like, I said, can't judge a movie, for good or bad, based on just one aspect of it.

For those that think Hollywood blockbusters are unintelligent. Fantastic 4 requires a lot more intelligence to watch than a Bollywood movie. They're mostly not deep, silly, and way over the top. There's very little art there for the most part.

But that said, an industry that produces Lagaan, can't be all bad and few things compare to the hotness of a Bollywood starlet. The Bollywood industry puts out more movies than any other film producing entity. The audience isn't going away. But that could just be because India has a really high population and the movies are churned out. Bollywood is a factory producing product. It does it efficiently and without much thought. Say what you will about Hollywood, more thought clearly goes into a Hollywood feature.

So there's my problem with Bollywood movies. But I can see them evolving, although slowly. One day there might be more Lagaans and less pretty much everything else. I can only hope.
The Movies of Summer 2007 (7-07-07)
Well, after a slow start with the disappointing Spiderman 3, this summer movie season, which started in May, is shaping up pretty well. I have seen most of the big movies that are out and I am pretty happy, overall. Pirates 3 and Fantastic Four 2 are among the long list of sequels out this summer and I have to say, I enjoyed them. They were satisfying and satisfying was all I began to hope for after the mish mash that was Spiderman 3. Yeah, I'm going to attack that movie a lot, since it was the worst movie of the summer. But now, that it's just past July 4th, I'm happy to be a movie lover. Die Hard 4 and Transformers, surprisingly, turned out to be the best movies I've seen this summer.

Transformers is being ruled out by critics for being simple and preposterous, but that's the kind of thing that leads me to believe most movie critics really don't have that much of an imagination. The biggest problem with the movie is Michael Bay's slam bang editing, although since it's Transformers duking it out on the screen, I can forgive it, but only slightly. Bay, as well as a lot of American film makers focus on getting those "holy shit" shots, but not much on sequences of bodies, or in this case giant robots, in motion. But, that said, there were a lot of "holy shit" shots. So I loved the movie. I expected a debacle and got something good. It's not perfect, but it's Transformers fighting and it is a lot of fun to watch. Plus there is worst edited fight scenes, such as in Batman Begins and Gladiator.

The best movie of the summer and a case of action done very right for the most part is Live Free or Die Hard. This was a big surprise. A PG-13 John McLane left me apprehensive, but hey, it's Die Hard and it feels like Die Hard. Despite problems with the main villain not being as badass as Hans Gruber or Simon, the henchmen really made up for it in this one. The action is beautifully done with sequences in which I could actually tell what was going on. That was a shocker. Die Hard is still going strong in my book. I'll be up for a fifth. I knew the director of Underworld has promise just as long as he stayed away from Vamps and Werewolves.

As for the cadre of sequels. Pirates was a lot of fun and just what I expected. Fantastic Four was a surprise. Despite butchering comic mythology in the first one, something great happened in the second. They followed the comics pretty well. It is a combination of two arcs, but it's stories that mesh well. Maybe it was just the fact that it came out after Spiderman 3, but I enjoyed The Rise of The Silver Surfer and I look forward to the Silver Surfer movie.

Knocked up was hilarious. More movies by Judd Apatow and I will be right there to see them. He makes movies that are very funny and make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Well, I guess that's it for all the movies I was looking forward to this summer. I'm sure there will be more good stuff out, but there isn't much I'm excited about. Everything I wanted to see this year, except maybe for Hostel 2, I already saw. From 300 to Grindhouse, to Transformers, it's all floating around in my brain and most of it made me happy. I love being me because if no one else appreciates the big movies that are out, I am glad Hollywood churns them out sometimes. Because despite some misses, there are also a lot of hits. They fully take advantage of being in the theater. There are some wonderful small movies I've seen this year such as Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and the aforementioned Knocked Up. All great movies, but in a movie theater, I want some giant robots kicking the crap out of other giant robots. I like Hollywood overall, and I am a film connoisseur. To the critics and the silly college kids who think they know how to appreciate a movie, none of them have anything on me.
Before Sunrise and a Dichotomy in Life (6-3-07)
I just saw Before Sunrise, which is a movie that is composed of long strings of dialogue between a guy and a girl in their early twenties. I found it really touching and it left a very lasting impact on me.

It also made me sad. I know it is just a movie, but it also made me realize that my life is boring. In the movie the two main characters talk about a great many things, all of which are interesting and some of which are really close to life. But the conversation I�m thinking about right now is about a dichotomy in life, at least in the life of someone in their early twenties. We can either be good at something or give ourselves over to others.

That might need a little explanation. But it�s basically like the college student that focuses more on getting a job and the one that focuses on getting and keeping a girlfriend/boyfriend. There�s a lot to be said for both. I have friends that fall in both categories. There is also a lot of us are somewhere in the middle, wondering what the hell to do.

The fact is, I haven�t devoted myself completely to anything, whether it is to get good at something or be in a relationship. I am squarely in the middle and honestly, that is the most boring place to be because I am not good at anything and I am lonely.

Let�s face facts. If you are completely good at something and have no one, then you will lead an accomplished life, but no one will remember you as a person. While, if you give yourself over to love and a family, your list of accomplishments end at that. And while many people may see having a wife and kids as an accomplishment, I think that�s all well and good, but in the grand scheme of things, your life is simply an archetype of what came before. If you are good at something, your life isn�t a formula, while love and a family probably mean you�re following some sort of pattern. But leaving a part of yourself in the world after you�re gone may be worth being unoriginal.

Granted, the greatest human beings in the world are good at something and are madly in love. But most of us are not great as much we wish it. Most people�s life, in their early twenties, leans one way or the other. But if you have one of these things going on in your life, you�re automatically a little better than me. Because right now, I will not be remembered and my life is not filled with any real accomplishments.

I�ve been obsessed with being original, but find I�m more and more falling into a pattern. I remember all those people in college and high school who like to pretend they are somehow outside looking in. There are way too many of those people and they are not unique. They are part of a pattern. While the people who are leading accomplished lives get so obsessed with getting better at their job or accomplishing a dream that they forget about love. I am confused about what�s what these days. But as I accomplish less and less and become lonelier, I see that my entire life lacks focus.

So I�m kind of sad about all this. But I guess one thing makes me kind of happy. Despite making me sad and wonder about the disappointment my life is up to this point, Before Sunrise is a great movie. Movies are sort of the backbone of my happiness. A good movie saves me from life. But at the same time, I also know that running away from life and into the fantasy of a movie may not be the best way to deal with a life that I feel is disappointing.
Spiderman 3 - Why it didn't work for me. (5-17-07)
I'm going to start this off by saying I'm not the biggest comic book fan ever. I'm also not the biggest Spiderman fan. I didn't grow up with this character beyond Fox's awesome animated series. But I have read some Spiderman books and even have one of those nifty Spiderman and Venom hologram covered books sitting in a box somewhere.

But I know why comic book characters are great. I know what's fun about the symbiote story line. But most of all I know movies pretty well. I know what makes a great comic book movie. Why was Spiderman good and Spiderman 2 great? Well, here it goes, and it is very simple, they were focused like all the great comic story arcs.

Spiderman 1 is a flawed film. But it had some great sequences, a good villain, and was an all around decent beginning for the franchise. Spiderman 2, I would call a classic. It was a movie about the nature of being a hero. And on every level it works almost perfectly.

Here are what the average movie goer might perceive as a flaw in Spiderman 3. Like the other two movies, it has hammy dialogue, somewhat uneven acting, leaps of logic, and a campy comic book undertone. I don't mind any of this stuff. Comic book movies should have a lot in common with comic books.

But Spiderman 1 and 2 never resorted to what the butler character represented in Spiderman 3. Not even a comic book movie or even a comic book story should be able to get away with that. Exposition characters are sloppy writing and they just take me out of the story. A character should not be there to obviously move the script along. This is a big Hollywood movie and I can't stand for crap like that. The writing should have been better.

Some say Sam Raimi didn't like Venom. After watching the movie, I think this becomes kind of obvious. What the fuck was going on there? There was no love for that character anywhere. Granted Sam Raimi probably was a Silver Age Marvel fan, so he didn't really grow up with Venom. But I did. And to see that great, angst ridden villain end up nothing more than a generic villain annoys me a lot. I don't give a fuck if Sam Raimi didn't like Venom. Someone should have took the time to understand what made the character great.

And why were there three villains? Movies are not that long and you can't cram a love triangle, three bad guys, and the symbiote storyline into one movie. It's just too damn much. Didn't anybody realize this while making the movie?

I guess my geek side is getting riled up. This is after all just a movie. But I'm going to go so far as to say somebody fucked up. This is not a great movie and after the second one, it's a huge disappointment. It wasn't all bad. Effects and action are top notch, although no sequence is as exciting as the clock tower to train fight in the second movie. But why would somebody do this?

The answer is easy. This franchise is a money machine. Spiderman 3 is a huge hit, but not rightfully so. Just because it's a comic book story, doesn't mean rushed storylines and exposition characters should be tolerated. It still has to be a good movie. It has to be big, epic, and somewhat make sense. I deserved high expectations for this as a fan and fuck everyone making this that sold it short. It should have been better.

And I know people will probably say, "But Raj, how can you hate on Spiderman 3, and still love Blade 2, and not mind Daredevil or Fantastic 4"? The answer is simple. I had low expectations for those movies. In a straight comparison, I will honestly put Spiderman 3 with Fantastic 4. Both movies feel a little rushed and didn't pan out as well as they could have. But Spiderman 2 was so good, that I have to hate on Spiderman 3 for not even being on par with the first one. As for Blade 2, fuck you, it's awesome. Daredevil was focused at least.

Here's is my Mavel movie ranking for like the last 10 years.
1. Spiderman 2
2. Blade 2
3. X-Men 2
4. Spiderman
5. X-Men
6. Blade
7. Daredevil
8. X-Men 3
9. Fantastic 4
10. Spiderman 3
11. Blade 3
12. The Punisher
13. The Hulk
College Ending: Part 4 (5-6-07)
I like my college friends a lot. I feel that's something that I probably don't say straight out enough. I like going to the movies with Dominik, I like listening to Jon rant, I like conversations about girls with Wayne, I like arguing with Jeff, I like playing Madden with Jason, I like chilling with Angela (even if it's not that often), I even like getting beat in every game ever by Rich, and of course I love my Kimchi aka Tiny aka Kim.

Granted I don't necessarily want to do these things with these people when they necessarily want to do it. Sometimes what to do just doesn't line up. But I feel like I might be letting some people down or maybe it's just in my head or narcissism. The fact is, I just don't want to disappoint the people I care about and sometimes I do. Hell, I think the people I'm the biggest disappointment to are my parents, and I care about them more than anything.

With college ending, I'm trying to get as much time in with as many of my college friends as possible, because honestly, who knows what will happen after. I like them a lot. These people are even inspiring my writing and maybe I even love them. But love is a strong word to place on anyone I'm not related to.

So I guess this entry into my site is dedicated to all my college friends, even the ones that aren't really friends anymore. I seem to have hung out with a different group of people almost every semester and there were good times all over the place. No hard feelings in the end.

Friends tend to come and go with me and I guess I can always hope that some will stick, but the only person that's remained close to me since freshman year is my beloved Kim. She's the anchor and we can go months without hanging out, but when we do, nothing really changes. There's no awkwardness. The main group of people I hang out with now are definitely the best group I've hung out with in college and I'm glad college ends with them. I will continue to hope they stay friends for a long time.
College Ending: Part 3 (5-2-07)
With college ending, I'm experiencing all sorts of emotions. Sometimes I get up in the morning and I'm sad that it's ending, but I go back and forth. Today, is one of those "I can't wait to leave" days. There's a reason I'm not going to graduation. I feel like after finals week ends, I'm going to need to be away from college. That means the atmosphere, the classes, and also the people. I can see myself being at the ceremony and just not caring. I don't see the need to end college with a ceremony. I would rather end on a night of hanging out or partying because that's what college was for the most part.

But now I don't even know if I want that. Sometimes, I think the earlier I leave, the better. Sometimes I can't wait to put college behind me. I get sick of it. I think of all the different groups of people I've hung out with from freshman year to now, and sometimes they all just irritate me. I really don't want college to end up like high school. I've put high school so far behind me, I don't even remember most of it. I don't even know if Bronx Science, beyond the diploma, is still a part of who I am. I want to make Bing a part of who I am, but right now, I can see it ending up like high school. That might probably be for the best.

Maybe I'll be in a better mood before the day is out. But right now, I'm annoyed at college. I'm annoyed at friends that can't tell me what they think, I'm annoyed that no matter if I study or not, I get the same B's and C's, I'm annoyed at the way I wasted so much time, and I'm annoyed that my future is so uncertain. I can't think of anything I have here to really hold on to.

At home there's my parents. I can count on them to always be honest. That's something I can grasp on to. I like that. I like that there's at least someone who will always tell me exactly what they think.
Obnoxious (4-30-07)
I can be obnoxious. I can be very obnoxious. But sometimes I think some people just bring it out of me. Or maybe the people I�m the most comfortable around just don�t mind it or I�m not as obnoxious as they are. I make a lot of jokes that the guys I live with don�t get, but when I�m around my closer friends, they all laugh. Is it just that my joke delivery is better around my closer friends, or that my apartment mates just don�t get it. I guess it comes down to comfort. I�m more comfortable around certain people that I am with others. And I think my reaction to discomfort around people is obnoxiousness.

But it really can�t end there. I want to be comfortable around everyone. But when you value honestly as highly as I tend to, it�s hard to be comfortable around everyone. Some people just don�t like full honesty. Like if a girl wears too much makeup, it must go unsaid, and it�s fucked up if you tell her. Why is that? I don�t understand that. I am fat. It�s not fucked up for people to tell me I�m fat. I can be stupid at times. It�s not uncomfortable for people to tell me I�m being stupid. When did the truth become indecent?

Well, the guys I consider my best friends tend to be more honest with themselves than the other people I know. That does not mean they are completely honest, but their honesty is impressive, nonetheless, compared to some of the shit I�ve seen, especially from college and high school students.

But when it comes down to it, it�s pretty simple. I like being me and I don�t want to be around people that hinder me being me, so I push them away with obnoxiousness, and you know what, it works pretty well.
College Ending: Part 2 (4-15-07)
Teen angst was a while back. It was characterized by rebellion against parents, temper tantrums, strong emotions, moodiness, a tumultous relationship, and ignorance. Things tend to make sense as you grow older. I kind of learned a lot about myself while I was in college. I learn to appreciate my parents more, I learned to not take anything too seriously, and I learned to be more laid back. But now, that I am about to graduate, a new kind of angst is creeping in.

My shoulders are more tense, my blood pressure is probably a little high, I have trouble sleeping, and I am scared. It's the college graduate, twenty-something sort of angst that seems to be getting more and more apparent. I feel like I'm bad at life. While, teenage angst had more to do with anger, this time around, it's all about fear. This is the point in my life where I just don't know anything and it's clearly apparent that I don't know anything.

I don't know where life is going to go. I don't know if I will ever find a job. I don't know if I will ever get a girl. I don't know if I will ever make my parents proud. My flaws have never been more apparent than they are right now. This doesn't just make me nervous, it makes me fucking nervous!

I remember my brother going through something like this. There was a point in his life where he felt like nothing was happening. But eventually, stuff did. It all came quick, and then all of a sudden, he had a life. Maybe I'll get there eventually. But till stuff starts to happen, all I really have is fear and nervousness. I am a tense person right now.
Grindhouse and My Love for Movies (4-7-07)
I love movies. Anyone who knows me knows that. I love movies more than anyone. And sometimes it's hard to pinpoint exactly why I love movies so much. Then something comes along that isn't just a movie, it's a cinematic experience. Nothing fits the definition of cinematic experience better than Grindhouse. There is nothing better than going to the movies and just immersing myself in what's on the screen because it seems tailor made to make me happy. It's great coming out of a movie theater thinking this is why I love movies.

Granted, Grindhouse isn't going to mean as much to most people. It is one of those movies that if someone doesn't like it, I'm going to simply write off their opinion, because they don't get it. It wasn't made for them. It was made for me, who at 7 years old was watching Kung Fu double features twice a week. I remember watching 2 bootleg movies at a time on Friday and Saturday nights with my brother before he moved out. I had a feeling about Grindhouse like I do everytime Tarantino or Rodriguez put something out. They are my film making heroes. This was going to be a movie for me.

This morning I woke up, got ready, and headed out to the theater. I wanted to see it by myself. It was something I wanted to experience by myself. I didn't want to discuss it, I didn't want to share the experience with anyone, I just wanted to get lost in it. And that is exactly what happened. My love for movies runs deep and it shows a little too much sometimes. This is my favorite "movie" so far this year. 300 was awesome, but Grindhouse was just made for me. Now I just have to cross my fingers for Spiderman 3.

Oh, to be a film geek, a cinephile if you will. Today, life is good.
College Ending: Part 1 (3-28-07)
Well, this is the first in a series of updates about college ending and what that means to me.

Last term I couldn't wait to leave Binghamton, but like I've heard from friends that have already graduated, you do really miss it during the last term. I don't really want to leave Bing. College was pretty much a four year vacation and it's sad to see that end. I think I should've done more with the time and not make it such a period of leisure, but it's too late to change all that.

When it comes to friendships, I remain uneasy. Will any of my college friendships really last. I made the mistake in high school of thinking that all those friends would mostly stay friends forever. But that was definitely wrong. I hardly speak to anyone from high school, except for Jeff, and I didn't even know him at Bronx Science. College, if nothing, was definitely a time of social evolution for me. In the end, I sort of picked and choosed who I wanted to hang out with and didn't just hang out with those in the closest proximity. So, that said, I hope to stay friends with my college friends for a long time, but given the working and graduate school situations, that might not be the case.

The question of what I'm going to do after college is way up in the air. And, for the moment, I don't think much about it except for applying to random positions here and there. My future is a big question mark and for the moment, I'm happy to leave it that way. I figure, I should just sort of relax and take my time when it comes to finding a job. I'll get worked up if I don't find one by the end of the summer. I think that's a good time to panic.

Right now, I'm concentrating on leaving college on a high note, like I left high school. High school was not that great for the first three years, but that last term of senior year was really good. I had friends, I had fun, and I left high school thinking it wasn't all that bad. I want to leave college knowing that the first three years could have been better, but at least I ended on a high note. I also want college to mean something besides just a degree. When it came down to it, high school just ended up being a diploma in the story of my life.

The future, despite all its uncertainty, looks beautiful. I remember fearing uncertainty so much at the end of high school. It was depressing. Now, I know it is the spice of life. It's good to not know what's going to happen. But that doesn't mean I'm still not trying to somewhat minimize the quantity of uncertainty. Have to find an equilibrium between what's exciting and what is just plain scary. Note: I love being an econ major.
The Next Gen Consoles (2-26-07)
I am a gamer. I love video games. So, the next generation console wars are something that interests me. I think the XBox 360 is the system I want mostly because it has most of the games I want to play. But I'm not going to buy anything till I graduate. The PS2 is my favorite system for now and Tekken 5, Street Fighter: Third Strike, and Guilty Gear are rocking my world.

What I don't understand is all this excitement over the Wii and all the hatred of the PS3. Yes, the Wii is cheap and the PS3 is expensive. Ok. So what? The Wii is clearly a system for the masses. It has wide appeal to non-gamers. And to all the gamers I know that have it, whether you admit it or not, it is pretty much a novelty for now. The games and the gameplay are not that great. Most of us are still playing the PS2, Xbox, and Gamecube. And the PS2, right now, is better than the Wii, by far.

The PS3 is expensive. And Sony may have priced themselves out of the market. But do people need to hate on it so much. Considering the features it has, the price is not that bad. You can't afford it, don't buy it. Stop bitching.

Personally, with Gears of War, Rainbow Six: Vegas, Call of Duty 2 and 3, Dead or Alive, Elder Scrolls, and Halo 3 coming, the Xbox 360 is probably my best bet for my own entertainment. But that might change. For me, it's all about the games. If the games are good enough, I'm willing to give up tons of money. That said, PS3 also has the best franchises, Final Fantasy, Metal Gear Solid, and Devil May Cry. So I don't get all this talk about the PS3 dying out. And to those who say the Wii is the best console, I don't even have the words to explain how ridiculous that sounds.
Just Some Thoughts (2-11-07)
Life is difficult. I know some people find this statement as silly and others as too obvious to say. But sometimes the truth of it hits hard. Like you wake up one morning and all you can think is how difficult everything is.

I find myself increasingly caught in a limbo of sorts. I am a lazy person. But I also know some stuff. Like I know if you don't try really hard, you'll never accomplish something. I also know that I don't try hard enough. I try to write ten pages of my current script everyday, but I never get around to it. I should be applying to jobs everyday, but I don't do it. All the goals that are important to me, I never put any effort into them. And this isn't difficult stuff to do, I'm just finding it all very difficult. This is probably due to a combination of laziness and a lack of real drive. I have moments where I actually do stuff, but there are so few and far between that I never do enough to get anywhere. All my moments of non-laziness only serve to show how little I have done.
New Year's Resolutions (1-2-07)
Well, it's a New Year. I'm actually pretty happy to see 2006 go except for the fact that I'm getting older. 2007 is fixing to be the most important year of my life so far. There's a lot of pressure to deal with and my bad habits have caught up to me. In order to turn over a new leaf, but not change myself too much, I'm going to make myself a list of New Year's resolutions. And these are not really optional. They might as well be a "to do" list. They are in order of importance.

1. Get a decent entry level position.
-Needless to say, since I'm graduating and don't really see grad school in my future, finding a job is the most important resolution.

2. Set goals.
-This is important. I have no real outlined goals for myself. It's time to get some. It'll give my life more focus.

3. Lose 50 lbs.
-I realize that's a high number, but I read an article in Men's Health Magazine that said to set the number high. It makes sense to me, so I'm setting the number high, plus it won't hurt to lose that much weight.

4. Finish college on a high academic note.
-I can't save my GPA. There's no point in trying to do that with only one semester left. But that doesn't mean my GPA for my last semester shouldn't be high. If only to make up for the disaster that was the fall semester.

5. Let go of stuff from my past.
-This is a tough one. I myself have not worked out what I should regret and what I shouldn't. But one thing is clear, I think too much about what has happened and not enough about what's happening.

6. Write more.
-I should be writing more. It's fun and probably a bit more enlightening than all the other stuff I do for hours on end.

7. Watch less stuff.
-Don't get me wrong. I'm still going to watch every episode of Grey's Anatomy, Lost, Scrubs, and Entourage. I love those shows and will probably stick with them to the end. I'm still going to try and go to the movies every week and watch a ton of movies with friends. But the marathon viewing sessions have got to go. No more of this 5-10 episode viewing in a row. That's the kind of stuff that's really hurting me.

8. Take my time with video games.
-Again, I still see a lot of gaming in my future. I'm about to finish Diablo 2, start FF XII, and after that I'm going to play Warhammer 40000: Dawn of War. But I realize I should take my time with games and slow down a little. This means less marathon gaming. Because, honestly, what's the point of beating a 20-70 dollar game in 3 days.

I guess that's all the important stuff. I still have a lot of little things I want to change, but things will just change as the year progresses. My life is about to begin and after playing with my niece for about 5 days, I realize that the future has great things in store and the best is still yet to come.
FALL 2006 TERM (11-30-06)
This has been my laziest semester, by far. I spent it watching T.V. shows, playing video games, getting drunk, it was just a complete and utter waste of time. And as the Fall 2006 term nears it's end, I'm annoyed because I have to play catch up all the way to finals. I'm in serious danger of fucking up my GPA. Not that it's that great to begin with, but I'd like to maintain a 3.0, which I view as a modest goal. But this semester, because of my horrendous performance in all of my classes, I'm left with 3.0 being the best of my hopes.

But, I feel I should be regretting more. Because, honestly, it was a blast. I had a good time for most of this semester. I might've grown distant from a few close friends, but others became closer. This is always the tradeoff, but I don't really care anymore. As long as I have close friends, I'm fine. The bad times are when there's no one. As for my academic performance. Put into perspective, it isn't the end of the world. Right now my bleak job prospects are of far greater concern, since I've been rejected for every position I've interviewed for. I'm going to do my best and hope by some miracle, that my GPA doesn't take too bad of a hit.

College, in retrospect, since my senior year is half over, has been a huge waste of time and oppurtunity for me. This semester seems like the culmination of all that. And although I regret, I can't really dwell on it because it's all past. College is over in my heart. Right now, I'm pretty much just waiting to leave and hope I don't miss any oppurtunities while doing so.

My life is in a state of slight despair right now, because I can't seem to figure out what to do next. It seems every try leads to failure, but then again, I should be putting more effort into everything. I have to just use this semester as a learning experience and hope that I don't go into a spiral of wastefulness again.

But, all in all, I think I learned a valuable lesson this semester. Not only did I let myself down, I wasted a lot of the hard work my parents put into me. But I did have a good time. Now, at least, that period of fucking up should be out of my system. I'm almost thankful that it happened in college and not in the real world. It's good to enjoy the things I enjoy, but I have to work on not getting lost in them. Here's to doing my best from here on.
Just Some Things (10-31-06)
Well, it is currently 2:39 AM. I fell asleep when I wasn't supposed to, so now, when I should be sleeping, I can't. So, it's time to update my website. My updates have been less frequent in the past months mostly because I've been neglecting everything. I still love this little site. It's helped me through a lot. It's good to have a place like this to come place my thoughts, even if hardly anyone reads it.

Life is not that great right now. I'm suffering from massive senioritis. Going to class has become a daily challenge. Sometimes I beat it, sometimes I don't. It's getting absolutely ridiculous. I've just lost my drive to do well in school. I also keep lowering my academic standards. The result of this, is that I get to do a lot of completely unproductive things that I enjoy. I just finished two seasons of Entourage and Onimusha: Dawn of Dreams. I find myself with tons and tons of time. I need to beat this overwhelming urge to be lazy. At least I've been managing to go to the gym somewhat regularly.

I'm getting tired of not having any females to think about. It's kind of getting me down. I just realized that, other than my beloved Kimchi, there aren't really any girls in my life. There was a time when there were too much women in my life. What happened to that. My last really big thing for a chick was Ching. Since then, I've just not really liked anyone. It's getting sad. I feel like if I don't have some girl torturing me, I'm somehow less alive.

Finding a job is rough. It's hard to get an interview, and it's even harder to do well at an interview. I feel somewhat hopeless. At least I've figured that a combination of business and media is what I would really enjoy doing. That took a while.

I want to start writing scripts again. But this is probably the most frustrating hobby I ever had. It's a daunting task. I also think of all the writing I've done so far and how not good it is. I put a lot of myself into those things. But I guess nothing worth doing is ever easy. But, damn, I'm afraid to get into writing again. I love it, but it's a really unforgiving hobby.

Well, there is something else on my mind. There are two people I've talked so much about on this site, that it sickens me to bring them up again. But they are on my mind. Ruth and Rebecca. I guess I'll never really forget them. But I loved them and now they're not in my life. That sucks. They did totally wreck parts of my life and brought tons more bad feelings than they did good. But I miss them. I miss what they did to me. They made me feel. These days, I'm emotionally numb.
Hip-Hop, Grey's, and Party (10-08-06)
This was a very long weekend. That doesn't mean it wasn't unique or fun, I just didn't sleep much. From Friday morning to right now, Sunday afternoon, I've only slept about a combined eight hours. But, given this weekend, I feel I should update my beloved site, since I haven't bothered to since my college senior year started.

Well, the weekend itself consisted of ten episodes of Grey's Anatomy, worries about my future, a party at Andy's place, a trip to VH1 Hip Hop Honors, and bus trips to and from the city.

First, the biggest thing, Hip Hop Honors. A worthwhile trip. Just a couple of things I learned. One, the red carpet is overrated unless you're a photographer or interviewer. And that's only because photographers and interviewers have something to do. Even a seemingly endless stream of celebrities can get tiresome. But, that said, it was still cool to see Lil Jon, Xzibit, Lil Kim, Mike Epps, Gza, Rza, The Roots, Ice T, Ice Cube, and Salt N Pepa up close. That's just fun.

The press room was also cool, even if a lot of the famous people skipped it. Remy Ma sitting right in front of me is still pretty awesome. And just being in a real press room is fun. There were so many cameras I wanted to steal. There was also a lot of free food. Question and answer sessions are good if there are good questions and good answers, and Hip Hop celebrities seem so competent when they speak, that it's very evident that the so called "bad vocabulary" associated with rap music is a conscious style. I also learned that this show would've been a disaster had it had been broadcast live. But at least the performances were fantastic, the Wu Tang Finale and Rakim being the best. Remy Ma and Yo Yo freestyled backstage. That's just awesome.

I don't know what the future of hip hop is, but if some of what I heard is true, the future is bright and the direction of the music seems like it'll be going towards more of the stuff I enjoy and away from what I don't. That makes me happy. Also, new experiences make me happy. So, all in all, Hip Hop honors was not perfect, but it was still a good time.

And just a note on the other things I did this weekend. About the ten episodes of season two of Grey's Anatomy, given what I went through with the first two seasons of Lost and what I'm going through right now with Grey's, I have to say addiction is a very bad thing.

And the party that Andy's suite threw was a lot of fun for me. It's the first party I went to this semester and it was good to get out. With the stress of the job search, massive senioritis, and addiction to awesome television shows to battle, I haven't really felt like doing anything social. I almost forgot the joy of meeting new people. Hopefully I loosen up and get out some more this semester.

Also, on a side note I got the most votes for the president of Susquehanna community. That's just strange.
Summer 06 - Part 6 (8-18-06)
The summer of 2006 is coming to and end. I'm happy about that. This wasn't the best summer of my life, but at least it was different, and I think I accomplished more than I did last summer, which was mainly me working at the same old job and doing the same old things. I may have been more social last summer. I was hanging out with friends, working, and all around having a good time, but it was mostly dead time. I was just waiting for it to pass.

This summer has been spent mostly studying, watching movies, reading graphic novels, playing video games, watching TV shows on DVD, and editing video. Not exciting socially, but I had a good time for the most part. Even though I didn't get out much, I actually did stuff.

The P Exam is over and it was a complete disaster. Everything I thought could possibly go wrong, went wrong. All the multivariable stuff I was good at was nowhere to be seen, instead I got a bunch of deductible and multi-level distribution problems that I just had no idea how to do. But all in all I think I put in a decent effort, given that at the beginning of the summer, I had no clue how to do any of this stuff. Now, it's a coin toss, whether or not I passed. I will take it again if I fail, and if it comes to that, I'm going to beat that bitch down.

I've ingested a lot of media this summer since all I did was study and take study breaks. I watched a bunch of movies, the highlight of which is the Lone Wolf and Cub samurai movies and The Constant Gardener on DVD. In theaters, the best was Clerks 2, The Descent, and Pirates of the Carribean 2. I also watched the entire first seasons of Grey's Anatomy and 24, and also the second season of Deadwood, which was awesome. I'm currently coming to the end of the anime, Evangelion, which is also pretty good. So all in all, a good summer of movies and TV.

Reading wise, I read the usual fantasy noir and got my hands on a couple of entrepreneur books. But nothing beats the graphic novels and comic compellations I'm reading now. JLA is awesome, Fables is very cool and unique, Strangers in Paradise is fine storytelling, my love for comics has come back with a vengeance.

My internship has kind of taken a back seat, but for the end of the summer, I'm getting back into it. I would much rather do this than study probability.

My granny, from my mom's side of the family, is staying with us for the summer. Personally, it's been a hassle, but my mom likes having her around, and she kind of grows on you. I'll be sad when she leaves.

That's pretty much the end of July and most of August in a nutshell. Going back to school is both good and bad as always. On the one hand, classes suck, on the other, I get to hang out with my friends, most of whom I haven't seen since school ended.

Not the best summer, but it could've been a lot worse.
Summer 06 - Part 5 (8-2-06)
If you were to name all the movies that college students typically like, Fight Club, Donnie Darko, and Memento would be among them. These movies pretty much fall in the same category as Pi and Requiem. But I grow tiresome of people listing them among their favorites. Granted, Fight Club, Pi, and Requiem are movies I like very much. I think Donnie Darko and Memento are good, but highly overrated.

But the reason I grow weary of Fight Club and Donnie Darko fans has nothing to do with whether or not I agree or disagree with their opinion. The problem is that, this is usually the sign of an immature movie fan. These are people that usually don't really have much care for the cinema. And me, as a film lover, am quick to judge them as narrow minded movie watchers. Donnie Darko, Memento, and Fight Club are all good movies, but do they really deserve all the worship and praise they get. The more I think about movies, and the more I watch movies, the more I realize that they are simply not that great. The cinema is wide and filled with great films from all areas.

There are people that only watch the big releases and then there are those that only seek out indie releases. I have a distaste for both. No part of the cinema should be ignored as there are good and bad in each. But I realize not everyone cares enough to learn to appreciate all aspects of cinema. Some people simply like what they like, and that's it. But because they lack range in their cinematic experiences, I simply can't count their opinion that much.

The more I mature as a movie fan, the more I move away from Donnie Darko or Waking Life. They're very modern art, and modern art seems more concerned with being abstract than anything else. Donnie Darko has a plot that has a heavy, overly elaborate sci-fi element. Thematically, it's a metaphor for adolescent confusion. But that seems to get lost in all the mumbo jumbo. This is a movie designed to be a cult classic. Which makes it fake and all the attention given to it is not necessary. As I mature more as a movie fan, I realize why it's given so much attention. The meaning is clear enough, but so many people are looking too deep and can't see it among all the fluff. It's the illusion of deepness in a pretty shallow movie. Just like most modern art.

Clerks is a cult classic, Vampyros Lesbos is a cult classic, simply because it just happened. They weren't designed that way. They're straightforward, simple, and awesome in their straightforward simplicity.

People wonder why I like movies like Blade 2 and Pirates of the Carribean so much. It's simple. They don't lie. They're silly action movies, and play like silly action movies. In that, they do a wonderful job. They're entertaining exactly in the way they're meant to entertain. The same can be said for Indiana Jones, Charlie's Angels, and Drunken Master. As long as the action is well done, nothing else matters.

This leads to another thing about the immature movie fan that bothers me. There is a great inability to appreciate action. That's just sad. Because people are missing out on a good chunk of cinema. Anyone who can't appreciate action is an incomplete movie fan and can never fully appreciate the cinema.

Movies mean something to me. They mean more than they do to pretty much everyone else I know. I would take the cinema over any friend I have. And because it means so much to me, I would hate to see it catering to the Donnie Darko crowd. Because, honestly, it would lead to lesser films that are far more concerned with being abstract than being entertaining.
Summer 06 - Part 4 (7-22-06)
Beware, this is a wholly depressing entry, at least for the writer.

Whether, it's due to loneliness, pressure, problems with family, things just aren't going very well for me right now. For today, I'm depressed. Depressed because of the fact that everytime I try to do something to better myself, no one seems to get behind me. Just because people don't agree with my choices, doesn't mean they shouldn't at least support me. My parents, who do a very good job when it comes to feeding, clothing, and housing me, fall very short in understanding me. They don't fully understand why I do the things I do and because of that, they don't support it.

It's not just them. Other people related to me and friends fail to understand as well. Assorted people don't understand why I don't want to drive, why I don't want a house, why I've given up on being a film maker, why I have a lot of ambition even though it doesn't seem like I do. People expect me to be strong in areas I'm not necessarily strong in, and they sell me short in areas I'm not necessarily weak in.

By being honest and doing what I think is right, I get into trouble and people develop problems with me. I remember back to the second term of freshman year of college, where finding the right group to hang out with was my biggest worry. Now problems are a lot bigger, more far reaching, and sometimes a lot more than I seem to be able to handle.

Maybe I'm just not capable. Maybe it's not just the issue of being supported when I make my decisions. A lot of the times I'm just not able to follow through on a lot of the promises I make to myself. But I guess things aren't suppose to be easy. The cliche rings through "whatever is worth doing isn't easy".

But here's a few things. One. I don't want to drive because I hate driving. So much so that I would rather spend hours on the subway and wait till others are going somewhere and tag along. I understand the value of a car, and I still don't want one.

Two. I don't want a house, because it's too much work and I don't think it's worth it. A house is the biggest liability a person can take on. Not to mention avoiding the shoveling of snow and the raking leaves is enough to make me not want one.

I've given up on being a film maker, because I don't love it as much as I think I should. I'm far happier watching movies, thinking about movies, and writing about movies. Being a film maker entails a deep love for the process of creating a movie, which I just don't have. I love movies in general far more than anyone I know. In fact, I find other people who claim to love movies severely lacking in their love. But loving movies, doesn't mean loving to make movies. I've given up on owning a production company. Just because it's completely not feasible to start a business when you can't even define who your customer is. I gave it serious thought, and it can't be done by me.

None of this is due to pressure from my parents or taking the more stable way out. It's the decision I've reached after long and hard thinking. My love for movies runs deeper than everyone elses, but, for right now, that's not what I want to devote my life to.

College students, especially ones going to a halfway decent college, run the risk of getting lost in all their options. That's what's happened to me. After giving up on my love for movies leading to a career path, I'm left with nothing that I truly want to do. I don't want to be a film maker, I don't want to be an economist. I don't want to devote my life to math. I don't want to start my own business in any form. So what am I left with? I'm going to start my senior year and I still haven't made a decision on what I want to do.

This brings me to the P/1 Exam which, not only do a lot of my friends not understand why I'm taking it, my own parents don't know. They see it as a waste of money and effort on my part. I'm not doing it for any of them. This is strictly me trying to do something with the odds heavily against me. And if I pass it, the passion for it will come. Because, for once, I would've found something that I can do somewhat decently. And since I don't know what I want to do, it's best to find something I can do somewhat decently, and just do it.

If I become an actuary, will I get bored with my job? Of course. Will I sometimes not want to get up in the morning and go to work? Definitely. So why do it? I couldn't think of anything better to do. That's it. It's simple. And a job doing something is better than doing nothing since there's nothing I want to do.

So there it is. I have reasons for doing what I'm doing and no one has to agree with it. All I ask is that they understand it.

As for trying to do the right thing. I guess mentioning I don't like Canada or a lot of my family that lives there is kind of a bad thing to say. Except I mean it. I feel disrespected there. Not because of the way I'm treated. But because of the way my parents, my cousin, and other New York City family is treated and talked about. Yes, the Canadians have better jobs, more education, nicer things, they've all around probably accomplished more with their lives than the New York people have. But is the arrogance and self righteousness really necessary? I try to bottle up what I feel about a lot of my family, but there's really no point. The right thing for me to do for myself, is express the way I feel and hope for the best. If this leads to my distancing myself from relatives, so be it. If they don't show more respect, they get less from me.

My mother considers me crazy and self righteous myself for the way I feel about some of my family. But, as much as I try to explain it, she doesn't understand that this feeling has been with me for a while and it comes from the careful weighing of the Canadian point of view, the New York point of view, and my own, which is somewhere in the middle. I see myself as a more balanced and fair observer. My conclusion is that the Canadian arrogance has to go. If anyone should change, they should.

My mother and cousin even advocates this arrogance by treating them like they're better than us. My mom even yells at me for trying to stand up for her. But I can't not think about this. It's not a small deal, it's a huge one. And I don't want to be anywhere where either me or the people like me are going to be disrespected.

All these things are weighing on my mind this summer. And I don't know if it's a lot, but it's certainly enough to make me break down, which I kind of did today. I got angry, I punched a wall, I cried, and it was all a very emotional outburst. I'm not proud of it. I feel like I'm cracking. My mom treating my chores as more important than my studying, sent me a little over the edge. But I've calmed down and am left with a sad, hollow feeling inside.

In trying to find a balance between the overly Guyanese family and completely Americanized/Canadianized crowd, I seem to have alienated both. In trying to better myself, I infuriate my parents and develop a lack of understanding with friends. In being myself, I seem to lose everything else. So what's really important? I don't know. I am who I am and I want to change. I want to be the perfect balance that sees and understands all sides of the family, I want to get a good job after I graduate and live a life between normal and not normal. I want everyone to be happy and accept each other. But I can't be any of these things. They are lofty goals. And the more I try to get towards them, the more I seem to get away. I'm left with me and only me.

My parents and friends understanding aside, my family relationships aside, my career plans aside, I'm left the center of my world. And as I try to find what makes me happy I come to the conclusion that the P/1 Exam is more important than any movie I've ever made, the normal/not normal life can be achieveed better through that path. So for now, it's my main focus and if I fail it, since I have such a slim chance of passing it, I'll find something else to be my main focus to get me where I want to be.

Hopefully, I've given everyone a better understanding of why I am the way I am right now.
Summer 06 - Part 3 (7-15-06)
What a summer. I spend eight hours a day in front of my computer either writing, studying, playing video games, watching DVDs, or editing video. Every opportunity I've had to go out and hang out with friends, I've mostly turned down with the exception of that one day I spent with Tina and a couple of weekends I hung out with Kris and assorted members of his posse. For the most part I'm in the house. I feel that this should be lame, but I'm kind of satisfied with my situation for the moment. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. On one hand, it's comfortable to be in the house, on the other I think I'm losing my adventurous side.

So far this summer I've seen four movies in theaters, watched about a dozen at home, saw the complete first seasons of Grey's Anatomy and 24, and I beat Half Life 2. Yet, I've still managed to keep on track with my internship stuff and I'm only two days behind in the studying schedule I worked out for myself. I have all this time and I'm really enjoying it. I even managed to get in some running on a somewhat regular basis.

But the problem is that although I'm happy with the situation, I'm not putting myself out there. What happened to the summer crush, the trips to six flags, coming home late, and long conversations with friends. I miss having the summer crush, as emo and all around lame as that sounds. What can I say, it's fun to have something to think about besides the application of calculus to probability.

Writing screenplays has kind of snuck back into my life and I find myself in the middle of two scripts. Just when I thought I was done with making movies I get the crazy inspiration to use my insanely high standards for girls as a theme for a story.

All in all, although I do get satisfaction from the stuff I've been doing this summer, I kind of miss the world outside of my house. But my urge to stop what I'm doing and go hang out isn't strong enough to get me out of the house.

I really just don't know what I want and I'm running around in circles. My mind is scattered with a hundred things I could do and with the hundred options I have. I both want to do everything and want to do nothing. I guess this paradox is why I feel I needed to rant for bit.
Summer 06 - Part 2 (7-1-06)
Life is a challenge. I feel like despite everything I've gone through, life has been somewhat easy for me. Everything that I need just seems to come to me.

Academically, in the beginning, in elementary school and junior high, things that were supposed to be hard, I just got. Good grades came without me trying. In high school, everything was tougher. I didn't just get things anymore, but I still managed with somewhat little effort. I didn't even really learn to study until I got to college and I didn't learn that until the end of my 5th term.

College is academically very hard for me. I can't seem to raise my average above a 3.0. And I don't care when people say that it's still good, because it's not. The summer of 2006 is the most challenging one I've ever faced, mostly because of the P exam.

The reason I decided to take this exam is because I wanted to open a new door for myself. But as I progress, or not progress, in my studying, I realize that this is a major challenge. I have never been thought anything beyond basic Calculus and I'm trying to make due with what I have.

I don't know if I'm going to pass this test, but most people think I won't. Even my parents think I'm wasting my time and I really can't find support for it anywhere. It's so easy for me to give up and just not take it. And just as I was about to, I realized something.

If I pass this test, it will be one of the greatest feelings I've ever had. The great thing about a challenge, a real challenge, one that you're pretty much guaranteed to fail, is that if I overcome it, I will be in bliss. I want that feeling. This test is no longer about my future. It's about proving to people that I can do what they say I can't and proving to myself that I can accomplish something.

I now have more riding on this than the simple opening of a career path. A lot of my pride and faith in my ability is at stake. If I can't do this, well, it'll be very sad. But that's expected and I'll have to put up with is a bunch of "I told you so's" and a little self hatred from myself. But if I pass this thing, I get something that's worth the effort. I get to be proud of myself.
Summer 06 - Part 1 (6-13-06)
Well the summer of 2006 seems to have gotten off to a slow and somewhat rough start. The complete destruction of my hard drive was quite a blow to deal with. But, even though I lost everything, after a week of distress, I kind of just let it wash over me. I'm looking at this, given that my notebook is such a big part of my life, as kind of a fresh start.

Every cloud has a silver lining and so did this one. If my computer hadn't been destroyed I wouldn't have had to change offices and I wouldn't have become such good friends with David Schnurman. So, all in all, so far so good. There's content that I've edited online at truenyc.com, I've been watching a ton of movies, and I started studying for the P Exam in August, although I'm not studying nearly as much as I should. So the time is going by too quickly and a month has already passed since I've been home without me even realizing what's going on.

TrueNYC has been a decent amount of fun so far. It's as good as it can be, given the fact that I don't get paid for it. David's a pretty cool guy and can be a little zany. The people interviewed are pretty interesting, even if editing them is repetitive. This might actually be a good networking oppurtunity for me if I want to start a business. Plus I've actually absorbed concepts such as outsourcing and the entrepreneur spirit.

So, there's not really much going on beyond movies, video games, studying, and interning. Yet, the time still seems to wiz by. Maybe it's just because I have something to do everyday. This has rarely happened to me. Summer is about a third over, most of it spent without my computer.

But being cut off from the little machine for a bit made me realize that I was a little too dependent on it. I feel like I got out a bit more and it being gone kind of solidified a new friendship. Here's to the summer only getting better from here.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws