Dear Aunt Mable,
My problem is that there are a distinct lack of large-built, leather-clad, cockney-speaking, half-greek men that drive motorbikes and like wearing kilts in my hometown. Should I run off to Scotland, or stay put with - *shudder* - small to medium built?
Also, I'm addicted to a children's TV programme, I may have OCD and I'm running out of non-black clothing. Help me!!!
Love,
Balamory Fan
Dear Balamory Fan
I know where you live so don't ever contact me again . . . Now, obviously - I love that song - you have some serious issues, and I am hear to help - if I can be bothered. Plus, I'm a little upset you spelt my name wrong. Anyway, you're problems are only occurring because you have a bad taste in men. Motorbikes are cool but only when ridden by small to medium built men. And, running to Scotland won't solve all of your problems . . . For a start,they don't speak cockney and I'm pretty sure the Scottish aren't half-greek. Also, kilts are so out of fashion. Being addicted to that crappy programme is so pathetic, so start acting your age and OCD . . . stop kidding yourself . . . You're just trying to get attention, you big girl's blouse. As for the clothes get a job or nick your parents wallet, just stop complaining. And another thing, stop telling me about your problems what do you think I am . . . an Agony Aunt.
Have a nice day and please write back soon,
Your Agony Aunt Mabel
There were some . . . er . . . inspiring words form our dear Aunt Mabel. Now get back in the straight acket before I do something I'm gonna regret . . . MABEL!!! Sorry about this folks . . .