"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 
Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your 
face."

"A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, 
looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus 
and the Goodyear Blimp."

"Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a 
weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get 
myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer 
to do it faster."

"Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is 
slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep."

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, 
but television's message has always been that the need for truth, 
wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a 
toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath."

"I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion 
Rules,including:* Both of your socks should always be the same 
color,* Or they should at least both be fairly dark."

"I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once 
every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked 
to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has 
become since 1990."

"I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps 
retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all 
adults were clueless goobers."

"If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet 
you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, 
but every last one of them would know the theme song from The 
Beverly Hillbillies."

"Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, 
with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote 
Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of 
Strangers."

"My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; 
he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting 
Turnips." 

"The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting 
directly from the U.S. Constitution - "to spew out paper."

"The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," 
which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because 
"Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross 
Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like."

"The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by 
the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example."

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you 
this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought 
of that!"

"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top 
speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a 
helicopter."

"Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; 
your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These 
symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one 
thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain."

"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, 
Dracula."

"Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant."

"In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American 
high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had 
something to do with stamps."

"In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in 
the West-the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the 
Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford-were caused 
by erosion."

"Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years 
and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some
of the worst movies in the history of the world."

"MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz."

"Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes 
billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second 
it sends you an error message that requires you to call the 
customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the 
life-span of a caribou."

"Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, 
but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part 
where you drive the cart.)"

"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have 
demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of 
celery."

(On Sir Walter Raleigh) "He went to an area that he called Virginia, 
in honor of the fact that it was located next to West Virginia, and 
he established a colony there, and then—this was the darnedest 
thing—he lost it. “Think!” his friends would say. “Where did you see it 
last?” But it was no use, and this particular colony is still missing 
today. Sometimes you see its picture on milk cartons."

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, 
in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing 
right in your ear."

"If you're apprehensive about flying, let me assure you, as a frequent 
flier, that few experiences are more enjoyable than being seven miles 
above the Earth's surface in a crowded aging piece of machinery held aloft 
by principles of physics that you do not even dimly grasp while giant 
invisible gravity rays pound relentlessly on the roof."

"To understand the importance of financial planning for your retirement 
years, let's consider the famous true Aesop's fable about the grasshopper 
and the ant. It seems that many years ago, there lived a lazy grasshopper 
and a hardworking ant. All summer long, while the ant was busily networking 
with other ants and gathering food, the grasshopper sat around drinking and 
watching television. When winter came, the grasshopper had nothing to eat, 
while the ant was snug and warm in his cozy little house filled with 
putrefying chunks of road-kill raccoon. Finally the grasshopper, starving, 
came to the ant's door and said, "Can I have some food?" And the ant said: 
"Well, I suppose GAACCKK," and they were both crushed by rocks dropped on 
them by Boy Scouts on a nature walk. This was a very poor financial decision, 
when you think how much money these boys could have gotten for a pair of 
talking insects."