P.S. For all those band geeks out there, be sure to check out my other humor page - Signs You've Been in Band Too Long
1. Laugh hysterically and for no reason.
2. Pretend you're holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing.
3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and when stationary nod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless someone touches you to get your attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them.
4. Sit in front of a library computer and twich your eyelid for 20 seconds, then get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat.
5. Sit in front of a public computer on Windows 95, 98, or 2000. Click the start button. Click it again. And again. After clicking it for about 10 minutes, declare that you need another computer because your start button is broken. When someone proves it is not broken, say "Black magic!! You all use black magic!! Quickly grab a sheet of paper, draw the apple logo on it, hold it up and shout "CURSED DEMONS OF THE DARK, BEGONE!!!" Then return to your normal affairs as if you never clicked the start button.
6. Carry an egg with you. If anyone says the word egg, or asks about the egg, jump in place and pretend it was never said.
7. Ask a person at a library information desk how to calibrate an OMG to an SOL when the OMG's GD is set up to accept SOBs. Bother the person relentlessly about this question, arguing that the person must have that information, being at the information desk. Complain to the library on the desk worker's inefficiency to answer questions. Repeat until desk worker is fired or you are banned from the town's library system.
8. Write lists like these so people wonder what kind of a sick mind could think these things up.
9. Go to a games hobby store. Ask them if they have... suddenly forget the name, then remember it has 'Robo or legend in it's name or something.' Let the fun begin.
10. Go to a Radioshack and relive the mind-messing. When they ask for your name, say toggattoobee, but spell it with random letters, with 3 or 4 consonants together. When they ask for address, say something along the lines of:
kshl (pronounced eggbattar) goprktol
98w0Z D. Squidhoarder Gorge
Popsicscarn, 5Y, 45r1+-x3&k
11. Sit on a bench with an R/C toy car remote. Pretend to control people walking by. Make loud engine and tire squealing noises.
12. Tell your friend you are going to do a great magic trick. Give him the three of diamonds, face up, from the deck. Shuffle the deck. Guess that your friend has the 96 of purple. Then guess the S of mushrooms. Then guess the prince of wales. Then ask for his card. Look at it for awhile, then give up and say you didn't like the trick anyway.
13. Buy those bead kits where you make animals, santa claus, etc. make them. Always carry at least one with you. Whenever you see a certain person, such as a roommate or sibling, whisper nasty gossip to the bead object, but not so loud as so the person can hear. Make sure to eye that person with paranoia.
14. Buy 1 of every nightlight you can find. Say you are starting a collection. After 3 weeks, rip the decorative fronts, covers, or outsides off the nightlights. When someone asks about it, say you'll get back to him on that, then hastily throw them all away. Deny their existence and all knowledge you have of them.
15. Fill a garbage bag full of leaves. Dump them in a pile on your roommate's bed. Play in it. Comment on the beautiful foliage.
16. Ask someone why they hate you. Pretend you never asked.
17. Right here! All purpose illogical things to say! You can use them:
�To answer a question
�Suddenly and for no reason
�To interrupt a conversation
But always, always to pretend you never said it.
So here we go!
"I got it! Suddenly it is so clear!"
"You know, I always will regret doing that."
"When a Rubik's Cube is broken, and nobody is around to fix it, do I care?"
"Fub!"
"Nuk!"
"Twee!"
"Gan!"
"Fireman Jellyfish."
"What? What? What? What? What? (etc.)"
"I wonder what it's like to be a slice of cheese."
"Yes. I mean no. I mean... Maybe."(best used to answer questions that are NOT yes or no)
"Peanut butter."
18. Use the 'Confused Idiot' method. Say things that might seem in context, but obviously aren't. For a good example, look in the computer section of a website, and read 'Abbot and Costello get a computer'.
19. Buy a computer. Leave it on when you aren't using it. Turn it off when you are.
20. ***THE NACHO TRICK*** Ask someone why the hell they ate your nachos, even though you ever had any nachos. Explain you will not leave him/her alone until he/she admits it. Follow that person everywhere. Always talk about the nachos. Guarenteed to make them admit or get a restraining order. Some good ideas:
�You'll be eating out alot following a person, so you can probably get your hands on some nachos here and there. Buy some, and talk, almost as if to yourself: "Look at these nachos. They sure look like the nachos that (look at victim) YOU ATE!!!" Look at the person angrily for as long as you are eating.
�No matter where you make an order: "Uh, hi, do you have any nachos (look at victim) THAT SOMEONE DIDN'T EAT?!?!"
�When you see cheese, tell your victim: "Hey, you see that cheese? That looks alot like the cheese that they put on nachos LIKE THE ONES YOU ATE!!!"
�Mumble to yourself. If the victim says anything to you or touches you, shout: "NACHOS!!!"
On an elevator...
21. Open your purse or briefcase a crack and whisper, "Got enough air in there?"
22. Stand quietly, occasionally making a high pitched "bleep!" or if you're feeling very ambitious, "meow." Continue staring straight ahead when others look at you.
23. Stare at the person standing next to you for several minutes, then exclaim, "You're one of them!" Move to an opposite corner and continue eyeing them suspiciously.
24. Talk into your hand as though it were a walkie-talkie and state "We've got a code 4, blue. I repeat, code 4, blue."
25. Look at the person next to you, roll your eyes, sign loudly and continue staring ahead with an angry expression. Repeat.
Insanity in General
26. Go up to a stranger and exclaim, "Oh my gosh! I haven't seen you in FOREVER! How have you been?" Continue making small talk, see how long it takes before they ask who you are. (this is the best if they pretend to know you). If asked who you are, reply with "It's ME! We sat next to each other in Algebra class... you dropped your pencil once and I picked it up for you. Remember that?!" Laugh histerically. "Boy that sure was a good one!" Continue the conversation till the other person makes an excuse and leaves. Then wander around the same store and wave excitedly every time you see them.
27. Call a random number and invite whoever picks up to your birthday party. Be sure to include a place and time. Keep adding incentives when they say they can't make it. "But... there's cake! Candy!" Keep working on it till the person says they'll come, or think about it. If they hang up on you, hit redial and when they pick up say, "Does that mean you're coming?" (Kudos to Sara Bennett for actually pulling this one off.)
In a store
28. Hide in the clothes racks at department stores, wait for someone to come look through the clothes and exclaim "pick me! pick me!" just loud enough for that person to hear you.
29. Go to Walmart, grab several boxes of condoms and put them in peoples' carts when they're not looking. Hide behind a shelf nearby and watch their reaction when they find them. (This one works best with old ladies. Do it to a couple and they tend to see it as a sign from God and get overly excited.)
30. Wander around a store till someone is paged over the intercom. Then stop, look around, and ask loudly, "God, is that you?" (Stright from my lovely fiance Paul, although I've never actually seen him pull it off.)
31. Find a store with a camping department. Get all the supplies you'll need for your trip (lantern, cooler, etc.) and set up in one of the tents. Then do one of the following:
~Close the flap as much as you can and attempt to stay hidden from salespeople.
~Talk very loudly about the price and quality of the tent and supplies whenever salespeople are around.
***Do either one till you're kicked out or asked to get out of the tent.
32. Go into a cosmetics or housewares isle and examine the shelves closely and systematically. Continue scouring shelves till you're near an unsuspecting shopper. Then shout "Where are my cookies?" and bulge out your eyes while pulling at your hair (or improvise something, the important thing here is to be dramatic.) Then walk away, twitching.
33. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals throughout the day.
34. Walk up to an employee and in an official souding voice say "I think we have a code 3 in _*fill in department depending where you are*_" See what happens.
35. Put M&Ms on layaway.
36. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
37. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" Choose an unsuspecting costumer as 'Robin'. Halfway down the isle when you turn and realize Robin didn't follow you, go back for him. You get bonus points if someone will actually follow you.
38. Stick your head in the door of various stores in the mall and shout "The British are coming!"
39. Buy a box of candy or something else small. Repeat at the same cash register untill the casier notices.
Other fun public places
40. When you go to a fast food restaurant and the person tells you to pull up to the next window, proceed as usual. When you get there, stare at them and start doing a little dance in your car. Never stop staring at the person while you do this. When you're through, drive off like nothing happened.
41. Get directions to a store you're directly in front of.
Be sure to try some of these out and e-mail me to lemme know what happened. Send me your own idea if you have any... and I know you guys, I'm sure you do. All ideas will be credited to you. Be insane, and have fun!
