I AM FROM BEYOND! 

Slay your enemies and all you desire shall be yours!

"Pretty good opening lines, eh?  Not half bad, if I do say so myself.  I was someone then!  A big time cosmic menace who kicked Galactus' ass! 

One minute you're on top of the universe, the next minute, you're given a sex change and doing 60 words a minute for a cosmic wuss with no genitalia -- so it can hardly relate to your problems.  I suspect the Red Skull had Kubik neutered back in his cosmic cube days, but he's too sensitive to discuss it, so I don't press the point.

That was then, this is now.  I got paid big bucks for giving everyone's favorite heroes grief.  I was Marvel's Number One Boy!  The contract said so!  But the fine print... Lawyer?  I didn't even know how the hell to go to the bathroom and you're telling me I should have had a lawyer?  I kicked Galactus' ass!  What need had I for a lawyer!  I am from Beyond!  It was nothing, man, nothing!  It's beyond you!  I tell you I kicked Galactus' pointy...

... well, there's nothing left to do but reminisce about the good ol' days and all of the heroes whose lives I messed up.  Like ol' Ben Grimm for example.  I did a real number on him.  Seems that Grimm stuck around on my planet Battleword after all of the other heroes left.  Since I shaped the world to respond to the desire of others at the end of the war, Grimm was the only one remaining for it to respond to.  He didn't fully realize this, though, and the planet slowly and subconsciously conformed to his psyche.  A twisted version of the fantasies that he would play in his head in the night.  Yep, I messed with him real good.

If he were happy, he would no longer angst over being the Thing!  And we all know that in Marvel, angst means money!  I was paid the big bucks to maintain the status quo, so I arranged the Thing to keep the mental blocks that kept him the Thing.  I'll make that kind of money again one day.  Mark my words!  I'll make a come back with my Michael Jackson hair and sequined jacket and I'll moonwalk all over your favorite character!  I'll kick Galactus' ass!  Then, I'll woo Dazzler away from that airhead Longshot and laugh while I erase his dimension!  Then, I'll erase Mephisto's dimension!  Then, I'll kick Galactus' ass AGAIN!  Just for the hell of it!  (...although Hell will no longer exist, I guess, but I'm just making a point here.)

So Grimm hung out on Battleworld and had strange adventures for a year (your time, not Marvel time).  Then the whole world fell apart after he killed himself (no, not really) and his warrior woman evaporated.  (I hate when that happens!)  Grimm, proving once again that he's not a rocket scientist, took the head of Ultron back to Earth with him when he tapped into my matter transfer matrix.  I'm guessing the Avengers aren't going to give him a big ol' smoochie if they ever learn about that one.

Art by Ron Frenz

Grimm left the Fantastic Four for a spell after that to hang out with the Avengers, which makes it a shame  the head of Ultron never came up in dinner conversation.  During his travels, he and I encountered each other once again when I wanted to die because Alison had dumped me.  Grimm kicked my tail pretty good, but I didn't die.  Wait a sec,...Grimm did clean my clock pretty good!  That couldn't have happened!  I mean, I clobbered Galactus for pity's sake!  Errrrr, the more I remember, the more I'm going to have to erase when I get back.  You may have seen some of my new handiwork in the DC Universe lately...

Man!  I would go through that again just to be an all-powerful male being from Beyond again!  Except I wouldn't mope around trying to die.  I would just restructure everything!  No wimpy thinking about it and giving everyone an opportunity to pound the tar out of me then turn me into a woman!  Why the @#%* I didn't just do that in the first place instead of strutting around and being frustrated is beyond me."