I HATE NAMOR!

that guy in the scaly briefs

Once upon a time, in a far off land, under the sea, there was the majestic kingdom of Atlantis. Mighty Atlantis fell to the ocean floor during the Great Cataclysm that shook the Earth and formed our continents, but that's not very important. What is important is that it is very far underwater and its people are blue. Every once in a while, the blue people march onto shore with bubbles on their heads to wage war on the land dwellers, but invariably they are forced back because those little bubbles on their heads only hold so much water in which they can breathe.

And in the Kingdom of Atlantis, there ruled Namor the First, the Avenging Son. Well, maybe. Truth be told, it is rather hard to tell when Namor rules Atlantis and when he does not. As a matter of fact, not even in Atlantis are they certain as the throne seems mounted on a revolving platform. And as for the matter of the Avenging Son, what is it he is so bent on avenging? We hope he would inflict vengeance upon himself for his insufferable arrogance.

Yes, note his haughty demeanor, his pointy ears, the little wings on his feet, the high forehead and arched eyebrows. He is not a character to whom you easily relate, true believer. Yet time and again he appears in his own series. Marvel doesn't seem to get the message. The very concept of people under the water doesn't sell because the water makes one soggy, salty, and, after too much exposure, drowned. And as surface dwellers comprise the majority of comic book readers (as they have not yet devised a comic book with its own little invasion bubble), titles about living in the water eventually are cancelled.

Yet something moves some writers when they see that naked man springing from the waves shouting, "IMPERIOUS REX!" They imagine, "I could write that." So could we all, gentle reader, for not one of us has the faintest idea what is meant by Imperious Rex. Seemingly, it is Namor's battle cry. However, a battle cry ought to be sensible and direct. You don't want battle cries that muddle your intent when you're fighting someone with the limited brain capacity of Tiger Shark. Perhaps he should be stoic and shout, "By the Trident of Neptune!" Perhaps he could be hip and exclaim, "Funky Fishes!" Or maybe he could make himself useful for once by selling advertising space and cry, "Chicken of the Sea!"

If nothing else, we can note the trends. Namor cannot keep a book. In fact, he's thrown out of every book he's in. He's been thrown out of Alpha Flight, the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, and even Super Villain Team Up. His own titles are no better, as we have now been inflicted with Namor, the Sub-Mariner, Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner (all 4 of 4), Saga of the Sub-Mariner (all 12 of 12), and Namor (not to mention an Iron Man and the Sub-Mariner one shot)! What next? The Atlantean Formerly Known as the Sub-Mariner? The Foamy Sea of Namor? Underwater Adventure with Namor MacKenzie?

And to think, we could have been spared all of this if only the Human Torch hadn't bought him into the Silver Age in Fantastic Four #4 when he recognized the amnesiac Namor on the docks of Manhattan. After singing away a bum's beard, Johnny recognizes Namor, leaving Namor to recognize himself once he fell into some water. Namor then demonstrated his gratitude by attacking New York with a giant sea monster. There's a lesson to be learned here, friends. Never try to help a beggar because you never know when one might regain his memory and unleash unnatural fury on your home.

Of course, Namor has been around a long time. He fought in World War II. Actually, he sort of fought around World War II. He fought with the Invaders against Nazis, true, but he also fought the Invaders. He seems to like to fight anything that moves. And as he is long-lived, he will go on to fight in and around World War III as well.

We hold Namor blameless in one regard: marriage. He did not ask for the Lady Dorma to be slain so cruelly. To this day, he carries her memory. And he did not ask for his second wife Mariana to become a raging leviathian. How could one foresee such a thing even in Marvel Comics? And we do not doubt that being forced to slay the mindless beast she had become was the hardest thing he ever had to do. We must ask, however, why the hell he doesn't just leave Susan alone. He's been turned down more times than the Wizard has been jailed, but he simply won't go away. Namor should settle down and find himself a nice blue woman with a bubble on her head. Andromeda would be a nice choice. Um,...she is still alive somewhere, isn't she?

And so it goes. He's not a hero. He's not a villain. He is a prince, or he's not a prince. He's not human, but he's not Atlantean. He joins the Avengers, then he quits. He forms the Defenders, then he leaves. He tries to replace Reed in the Fantastic Four, then he gets his fins rotated. Is it any wonder that he is so alienated while being so alienating? How appropos that he is hailed as Marvel's first mutant. He lifts our spirits mostly when he appears and gets his pointy head handed to him.

However, we must pause and reflect on Namor's one positive contribution to society. Recall that it was Namor, in his usual anger, who broke loose the ice block that contained Steve Rogers, allowing Captain American to be revived from suspended animation by the Avengers in Avengers #4. Yet one good deed does not Namor redeem, particularly when he had to do it by accident.

Some people dread it when the Mole Man once again threatens the world, frankly because he doesn't. As for me, I cringe every time that rampaging hybrid washes ashore. Good night, Namor.