Pick up the phone and dial it like a musical instrument. Act glad just to hear her voice streaming through miles of wire. Use big words and make subtle jokes. Be sure not to laugh at your own jokes, but make sure she does. Point out the irony of every situation and maybe she�ll like you. Lean in really close to her at the all-night diner. Try to casually brush your arm up against hers. Don�t be too creepy. Don�t be too creepy! Make excuses for these sorts of physical contact and maybe she�ll like you. Tell her stories about your past, omitting all the uninspiring details. Embellish everything. Give everything a point, wrought with symbolism and metaphors. Create the illusion of opening up while remaining enigmatically aloof and maybe she�ll like you. Hold her hand at the movie theater. Beam when she rests her head on your shoulder. Lean back in your seat, eyes half-open like pistachios. Whisper, �you smell nice� as if it�s some sort of revelation and maybe she�ll like you. Futilely attempt to persuade her into a sexual relationship and maybe she�ll like you. Tell her you�re finally ready to commit to a monogamous relationship and maybe she�ll like you. Grin plastically when she tells you she�s �just trying to be fair to all parties involved� and maybe she�ll like you. Compromise all other facets of your life for her and maybe she�ll like you. Act sarcastic and cynical when you meet her new boyfriend at a party. Give him lots of back-handed compliments. Say, �that�s a nice hat, li�l buddy. Is the professor around?� Then go outside and talk loudly about death and maybe she�ll like you. Pick up the phone in a late-night drunken stupor. Dial it like a musical instrument. Tell her she�s driving you insane, ruining your life, and maybe she�ll like you. Bore all your friends with stories of heartbreak and maybe she�ll like you. Don�t talk to her for months and maybe she�ll like you. Go off to college. Pretend you�re trying to �find yourself� but really, you�re just trying to cure your embittered loneliness. Gain new experiences � get drunk before a church meeting. Curse out the minister. Gather enough of these types of stories and maybe she�ll like you. Find someone else, fall in lust, rush off to be married. Write postcards to her, informing her of the marriage, and maybe she�ll like you. Grow withered and decrepit. Comb your side-hair over your bald spot. Die in an old-man style drunken stupor. Make sure you�ve willed her something symbolic. Something poignant, just so she knows you�re dead. Make sure your ex-wife sends her an invitation to your funeral. Have the ceremony be beautiful, recalling all your good virtues and maybe, maybe, maybe�
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