Aries
March 21 - April 19
You have been trying to sleep with your co-worker Brenda for 3 months now without any success. Well tonight is the night. Unfortunately, she has Chlamydia.
Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22
You know how you’ve been thinking about killing yourself? Well don’t, because tomorrow at noon, you will be killed by the 7th Street bus.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You did a lot of stupid shit yesterday. Stay in bed today.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You’re full of bullshit and you know it. Quit trying to fool everyone.
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sept. 22
The child molesting thing isn’t funny anymore. Besides, the federales are on to you.
Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
You will meet a stranger named Harry. You will fall in love, get married, and then he’ll swindle you out of all your money.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Today is the day your wife will give birth. Unfortunately it won’t be a live birth, but rather a giant egg popping out of her uterus. In the midst of your confusion, your wife will admit that she has been cheating on you with exotic birds.
Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 23
Go fuck yourself, Libra.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
You will win the lottery. Then a bum will steal your ticket while you’re using the subway restroom. The bum will claim all the prize money, but die of an exploded liver. His estate will become unclaimed and, thus, go to the federal taxes. More federal buildings will be built with your money. This will lead you to climb onto one of them and leap to your death, landing, in a twisted sense of irony, on the person who just won the publisher’s clearing house.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You’re going to get cancer.
Scorpio
Oct. 24 - Nov. 21
After giving birth to an egg, you will have to come clean about cheating on your Gemini husband with exotic birds
Pisces
Feb. 19 - Mar. 20
In a tragic accident involving a bicycle and a handsaw, your right arm will no longer remain attatched to your body. Your new nickname, "Lefty," will be the least of your problems.