[Rated: G] Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "I'll hear the oldest first." The case was closed for lack of evidence. =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: G] It was a terrible night. The rain was cold, and coming down in torrents. The wind was nearly a gale. The streets were deserted, and Jones the baker was about to close his shop when a little man managed to make his way through the door. He carried an umbrella, which had been blown inside out, and wore two coats over a thick sweater. He was soaked to the skin and looked utterly bedraggled and miserable as he unwound his scarf so that he could speak. "Give me two bagels to go, please, " he said faintly. The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels. Nothing more?" "That's all" "You came here in this weather for just two bagels." "That's all. One for me and one for Bernice." "Bernice is your wife?" And the little man exasperated past the last shred of endurance, shrieked, "What do you think? Would my mother send me out on a night like this?" =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: G] Tombstone Epitaph in Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: G] The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'" =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: PG-13] A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon" The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum" The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians" The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" ..and so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex" The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: PG] Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers": "What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer." "What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky." "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'" "Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." "Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts." "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." "What's "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "A little early, isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: PG] A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident." The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?" The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: PG] Q: How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van? A: Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass. =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: G] Ways to get rid of phone solicitors Bizarre things to say and do to telephone solicitors to get him to hang up and leave you alone: - "So, what are you wearing?" - Talk so quietly they can't hear you. - "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personaal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business." - "Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?" - When they ask to speak with you, say "Jusst a moment," and give the phone to your six-year old child to carry on the conversation. - Pretend to be very interested in their prroduct and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?" - "I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if I bought something now." - "This isn't a recording. Beep. This isn't a recording. Beep." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: G] A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did he look?" "Very angry." At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was looking through the window at us." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: PG-13] The "F" Word (Correct use of the "F" word) When is @#$% Acceptable? There are only eleven times in history when the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of Titanic, 1912 10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998 and a drum roll please............! 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -- Saddam Hussein, 2003 =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: PG-13] A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,... "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: G] A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality."I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us." "Why not?" asked the astonished mother. "Because," said the little girl, "the Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: G] A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth! =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+== [Rated: G] Carolyn took her two kids into the public restroom with her. She went into a stall with her four-year old son Ken while her six-year-old aughter Kara entered the next stall. "Mother, something is written on the wall in here," said Kara. Carolyn yelled back, "Never mind, dear." "But, Mom, I can read it all by myself." Fearing the worst, Carolyn ordered, "Don't read it out loud." There was a hurt silence before Kara said under her breath, "But, Mother, it says, 'Jesus Loves you.'"