[[Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas]] Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold? A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to everything. Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air? A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too? Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? A: Snowballs. Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old? A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid. Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead of a "Happy Christmas"? A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas" an extra twinkle is seen in the eyes. Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live Christmas tree?" A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life. Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper? A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the recipients. Q. Why does Santa use Elves? A. There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit. Q. Is there a Mrs. Claus? A. Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though. Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus? A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him. Q. Does Santa really work all year round making toys? A. Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say "Made at the North Pole"? ("Made in China" more likely!) Q. Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble? A. Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns. Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time? A: Because so many people ring them. Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time? A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say. Q: What can't words say? A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may hear then what words can't say. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!" YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?" YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!" YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Holiday Trivia The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card bills. Pogonophobia: the fear of beards. There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle. December is the most popular month for nose jobs. Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons. Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph. Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20. To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously. [[]] YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!" YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Christmas Traditions around the world In Italy they have no Christmas trees, instead they decorate small wooden pyramids with fruit. In Caracas, the capital city of Venezuela, it is customary for the streets to be blocked off on Christmas eve so that the people can roller-skate to church. An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees. A spider web found on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck. It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction. A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard. Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red. In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and would steal their brooms for riding. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Santa Claus could never have been a woman! Who else but a man would: Be really generous once a year, Be totally uninvolved the other 11 months, (And 29 days, we'll give him Christmas Eve & Day), And yet think he was a saint? No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY How to Torture Santa While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :(" Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us." Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Saint Nicholas is the main Clause. His wife is a relatve Clause. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause. Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY A Lawyer's Christmas Greeting Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law. It is also revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wishee further agrees to hold harmless and indemnify the wisher, along with its heirs, assigns, officers, directors, shareholders... YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren 10. Did you get any under the tree? 9. I think your balls are hanging too low. 8. Check out Rudolph Honker! 7. Santa sack is really bulging. 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath. 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 4. I love licking the end till it really sharp and pointy. 3. From here you can tell if theye artificial or real. 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat? 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?" "Something for my mother, please." said the young lady. "Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? " Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!" YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [[Quotes about the World]] "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey "For me, the principal fact of life is the free mind. For good and evil, man is a free creative spirit. This produces the very queer world we live in, a world in continuous creation and therefore continuous change and insecurity. A perpetually new and lively world, but a dangerous one, full of tragedy and injustice. A world in everlasting conflict between the new idea and the old allegiances, new arts and new inventions against the old establishment." -- Joyce Cary "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. " -- Steven Wright "The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive." --W. C. Fields "What has history to do with me? Mine is the first and only world! I want to report how I find the world. What others have told me about the world is a very small and incidental part of my experience. I have to judge the world, to measure things." -- Ludwig Wittgenstein "Earth is 98% full... please delete anyone you can" -- Anon. "A new world is not made simply by trying to forget the old. A new world is made with a new spirit, with new values. Our world may have begun that way, but today it is caricatural. Our world is a world of things.... What we dread most, in the face of the impending d嶵歊le, is that we shall be obliged to give up our gewgaws, our gadgets, all the little comforts that have made us so uncomfortable.... We are not peaceful souls; we are smug, timid, queasy and quakey." -- Henry Miller "This world is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel" --Horace Walpole "My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists as all." -- Stephen Hawking "When it's you against the world, bet on the world. " -- Anon.