Happy Holidays, again. <> As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap in a mall, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email?" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> Little Johnny wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> Complaints from Mrs. Claus, 1. He can remember which of 2.4 billion kids have been naughty or nice . . . but does he remember to replace the roll of toilet paper when it runs out? NooOOooo . . . 2. That whole "knows if you've been bad or good" thing makes it mighty hard for kids to cheat at Old Maid. 3. One night a year for me to sneak out with the girlfriends, and all the bars are closed. 4. Managing toy production, keeping elves in line, cleaning up after reindeer... meanwhile, Fatboy sits around 364 days out of the year and gets all the glory. 5. Ever tried getting squished-elf stains and reindeer poop out of red velvet pants? 6. That "bowl full of jelly" isn't so amusing when it's on top of you. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be girls. We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our 6-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> Navajo Wisdom In 1966, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits. Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not. Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> "A Pennsylvania woman convicted of shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads 'Convicted Shoplifter'. However, her laywers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing". --Jimmy Fallon $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean. --Unknown $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> "A disadvantage of working for Muslims is that you do not get the usual stuff for Christmas: no parties, no gifts, no trees, no bonus, no jingles, no cards, no drinks, not even a decent day off on Christmas eve. Nothing!" -- Anonymous $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> "Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his 'present' remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." --Phyllis Diller $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ <> "Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?" --Unknown