<> "Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here." "Read it to me," the captain ordered. The sailor began reading nervously, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy." The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!" **************************************** <> At 3:00AM the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check the baby. He sat up for a full minute listening, then protested, "But I don't hear her crying." "I know" she replied, "It's your turn to go see why not!" **************************************** <> Transcript: Paris Hilton on Saturday Night Live (Dec 6, 2003) Tina Fey: Paris Hilton is a name that's on everyone's lips these days. Here now in an exclusive interview with Jimmy Fallon in Paris Hilton. Jimmy Fallon: Thanks for coming on. Paris Hilton: Nice to be here. JF: So, we agreed, we won't be discussing the scandal that's been in the papers the past couple weeks. PH: I appreciate that. JF: We want to find about you, Paris Hilton. Your family...the Hiltons own hotels all around the world. PH: Yes, in New York, London, Paris. JF: Wait, there actually is a Paris Hilton? PH: Yes, there is. JF: Is it hard to get into the Paris Hilton? PH: Actually, it's a very exclusive hotel, no matter what you've heard. JF: I hear the Paris Hilton is very beautiful. PH: I'm glad that you've heard that. JF: Is there double occupancy at the Paris Hilton? PH: No. JF: Is the Paris Hilton very roomy? PH: It might be for you. But most people find it very comfortable. JF: I'm a VIP, I might need to go through the back entrance. PH: Doesn't matter who are you - it's not going to happen. JF: Fair enough, okay. I throw a lot of events. Do they have ballrooms there? PH: We do. JF: Great, I'd love to have my balls held by the Paris Hilton. Sounds awesome. I'd like to check into the Paris Hilton. PH: I don't think you can. JF: Really? I'd only be able to stay there a minute and a half...two minutes, tops. PH: Good luck. JF: Paris Hilton! **************************************** <> My husband and I took our three-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!" "But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back." **************************************** <> Interesting US Town Names Eclectic, Alabama Cold Foot, Alaska Chicken, Alaska North Pole, Alaska Why, Arizona Romance, Arkansas Magazine, Arkansas Cool, California ZZYZX, California Last Chance, Colorado No Name, Colorado Two Egg, Florida Jupiter, Florida Lorida, Florida Arabic, Georgia Gay, Georgia The Rock, Georgia Normal, Illinois Roachtown, Illinois Sandwich, Illinois Buddha, Indiana Santa Claus, Indiana Moonlight, Kansas Protection, Kansas Decoy, Kentucky Ready, Kentucky Relief, Kentucky Waterproof, Louisiana Uncle Sam, Louisiana Boring, Maryland Accident, Maryland California, Maryland Hell, Michigan Nirvanna, Michigan Saline, Michigan Embarrass, Minnesota Welcome, Minnesota Hot Coffee, Mississippi Hot Water, Mississippi McCool, Mississippi It, Mississippi Frankenstein, Missouri Boss, Missouri Success, Missouri Opportunity, Montana Blackjack, Nevada Jackpot, Nevada Brick, New Jersey Buttzville, New Jersey New Canton, New Jersey Ship Bottom, New Jersey Wall, New Jersey Flying H, New Mexico Organ, New Mexico Big Flats, New York Lawyersville, New York Zap, North Dakota Can do, North Dakota Defiance, Ohio Put-in-Bay, Ohio Happyland, Oklahoma Okay, Oklahoma Half.com, Oregon Idiotville, Oregon Mars, Pennsylvania Panic, Pennsylvania Peach, Pennsylvania Plum, Pennsylvania North, South Carolina Tea, South Dakota Defeated, Tennessee Difficult, Tennessee Disco, Tennessee Dismal, Tennessee China, Texas Ding Dong, Texas Happy, Texas Lollipop, Texas Telephone, Texas Uncertain, Texas Paradise, Utah Plain City, Utah Bosses, Virginia Java, Virginia Simplicity, Virginia Medical Lake, Washington Ruff Starbuck, Washington Walla Walla, Washington Big Ugly, West Virginia Friendly, West Virginia Odd, West Virginia War, West Virginia Beetown, Wisconsin Footville, Wisconsin Ubet, Wisconsin Village of Superior, Wisconsin Big Sandy, Wyoming **************************************** <> During a tour of restored Williamsburg in Virginia, our hostess pointed with pride to portraits of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, our first, third and fourth Presidents. "Why isn't a painting of our second President, John Adams, hung here?" a member of the group asked. "Because in Williamsburg we only hang Virginians!" the hostess replied. [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] **************************************** <> "According to PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), today's turkeys are so fat that they can't stand, they're susceptible to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. I'm sorry, but that's us they're talking about." --Jay Leno **************************************** <> "In the early days of the Indian Territory, there were no such things as birth certificates. You being there was certificate enough." --Will Rogers **************************************** Happy holidays! No matter what religion you are into, let's celebrate our existence and a whole new life next year.