If Santa answered his mail honestly... Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa ************************************ Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ************************************ Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. Santa ************************************ Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa ************************************ Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your Friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey! You wanted to know. Santa ************************************ Dear Santa, Do you see us when were sleeping, do you really know when where awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in what ever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ************************************ Dear Santa, I really, really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, Please PLEASE, PLEASE, could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ************************************ Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First , stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa .................................................................. During their ten year anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life." .................................................................. [More on chicken crossing the road] Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from Colonel Sanders! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: Because it was a double-crosser. Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? A: To take over the other side. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach? A: To get to the other tide. Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet. .................................................................. The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift. Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the tow, while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed his way to the head of the line. The tow operator promptly called him back, "Hey, where's your lift ticket?" "I don't need a ticket to ride this tow." At this, the tow operator produced an ax and, with two blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner's skis, just ahead of his toes. With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator lowered his ax and turned to the crowd, "Anyone else out there who doesn't have a lift ticket?" .................................................................. Top Ten of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line's: 10. Do these steps go up or down? 9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt? 8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship? 7. Does the crew sleep on the ship? 6. Is this island completely surrounded by water? 5. Does the ship make its own electricity? 4. Is it salt water in the toilets? 3. What elevation are we at? 2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them... The next day... the question asked... If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine? And the biggest DUH! 1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served? .................................................................. When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too. Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job. "I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife's bra." .................................................................. A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?" .................................................................. There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air. You may tag him as a frost-free reef-ridge-rater. .................................................................. "I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." --Jennifer Unlimited .................................................................. "There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one's self." -- Benjamin Franklin .................................................................. "New York City salespeople can be sort of snooty during the holidays. I went into F.A.O. Schwartz and asked a salesman for something that would appeal to a one year old and he said, 'How about your show?'" --Dave Letterman .................................................................. "I used to be very boring. One day I was so bored of being a boring person. I determined to become interesting." -- Brian L. .................................................................. "Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?" -- Dave Barry .................................................................. "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." --Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)