<< Rating: PG>> Some Animal Kingdom questions to test your HQ (Humor Quotient). Q1: What's the difference between a bird and a fly? Q2: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Q3: Where do polar bears vote? Q4: Why do hummingbirds hum? Q5. If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? (Scroll down for answers after you have tried) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: G >> When I was visiting my sister and her kids, I noticed one of my nephews, Ceph, was working on his computer. I had to investigate, naturally. I asked him what the sticky note was on the wall next to the computer. "My password," he said. "Uhh, your password is 'BatmanSupermanRobinJoker'?" "Yeah. They said it had to have at least four characters." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: PG >> As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I directed officers late one night to strategic positions around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding. Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my command. At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw a light on the roof." The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building. [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: R >> Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated." The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there." Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick. The vet says, "What happened?" Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew first." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: PG-13 >> A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the birdie?" His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven." Then the boy asked, "Did God throw him back down?" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: G >> The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: PG >> Some possible answers for the HQ. You may have different answers which are perfectly right. Estimate your own scores. Q1: What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A1: A bird can fly but a fly cannot bird. Q2: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A2: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses? Q3: Where do polar bears vote? A3: The North Poll. Q4: Why do hummingbirds hum? A4: Because they don't know the words. Q5. If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? A5. K9P %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: G >> Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes. "You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: G >> Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: PG >> "On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away." --Tom Lehrer %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: R >> "My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." --Kevin Hench %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: PG >> "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'" --Bob Newhart %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: G >> "I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people's minds, which would be cool, but to cut down on my cellular phone bill." -Paul Wiley %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% << Rating: PG-13 >> The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - Groucho Marx