<> 1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7) 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8) 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) 9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) 11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (age 5) 12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) 13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7) President Bush met recently with his father, ex president Bush to ask him about the problem in Iraq and what to do about it. In reply, George's father said, "Son, you have the same problem in Iraq as I did with your mother- you didn't pull out in time." "Reasons G~d Created Eve" 10. G~d worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. G~d knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote. 8. G~d knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him. 7. G~d knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. G-d knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. G~d knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when G~d caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" 1. When G~d finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!" "Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos." - Homer Simpson "I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman." - Homer Simpson "Operator! Give me the number for 911!" - Homer Simpson The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege." - Times newspaper "The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you." - Charles Dickens. "A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." - Patrick Murray. "A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist." - Franklin Jones. "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." - Spike Milligan. "My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb. "If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti. "If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" - Steven Wright. "I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons." - Douglas Adams." "Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?" - Bart Simpson "Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer." - Will Rogers. "The Scottish verdict 'not proven' means 'guilty, but don't do it again'." - Winifred Duke. "Gentlemen prefer bonds." - Andrew Mellon. your thing? Our funny quotes, whether it be a funny famous quote, a funny movie quote, a funny love quote or a generally humorous quote will make you laugh! Send us funny quotes. Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious - Alan Minter "the bowler is Holding the batsmens Willey" Brian Johnston I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country - Ian Rush "You watch the pitlane while I stop the start watch..." - Murray Walker "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." - Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time. - Richie Benaud (cricket commentator) "If at first you don't suceed, pull your foreskin over your head (pronounced heed)" - Old Scottish parable I never criticise referees and i'm not going to change a habit for that prat. - Ron Atkinson What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football - Stuart Hall, (radio 5 live commentator) "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on" - Samuel Goldwyn. "What's another word for thesaurus?" - Steven Wright. "Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." - G.W. Hegel (philosopher) "Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet." Mark Twain. - "Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett. "Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." - Ambrose Bierce "You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest." - Rowan Atkinson. "The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important." -- Bobby Robson. "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." -- Groucho Marx.