The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked. "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!" "What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?" "Yes, they are taking very good care of me." "Are you in any pain?" she asked. "No, I have never had a pain in my life." "Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again. The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went." My aunt and uncle had a missionary family visiting. When the missionary children were called in for dinner, their mother said, "Be sure to wash your hands." The little boy scowled and said, "Germs and Jesus. Germs and Jesus. That's all I hear, and I've never seen either one of them." A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the recent Southern California fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground-level. So he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-engine plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passesso I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need some close-up shots." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?" Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names. "Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?" Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything. His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Father and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama." [[Useless Inventions ]] Solar Powered Flash Light A black highlighter pen Glow in the dark sunglasses Inflatable Anchor Smooth Sandpaper Waterproof Teabags AC adapter for Solar powered calculators Fireproof Cigarettes Non stick Cellotape Battery powered Battery Charger Seatbelts for Motorbikes Hand powered Chainsaw Inflatable Dartboard Silent Alarm Clock A Pedal powered wheelchair Double sided playing cards Ejector seats for Helicopters It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butchers which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound" The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please." Vaughn, the butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. We're all out." The man, disappointed goes down the street to Zimmerman Brothers Butcher Shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?" Samuel, the older brother, says, "It's $9.29 per pound." "Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!" Samuel Zimmerman smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?" "No. He's out of it right now." "Well," says Zimmerman. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!" Holliday controversy CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake? YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant? YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star? YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel? YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning? YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy surprise MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's My 6 year old daughter was looking at her mother lying on the bed and asked, "Mummy when I grew up will I have breasts like yours?" My wife tried to gently explain that, "Yes, probably, although breasts come in all shapes and sizes". My daughter immediately looked at her aghast, blurting out, "I'd absolutely hate to have square ones!" A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag ..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and eachtime someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up".... Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A: A stick. Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business? A1) No mind. A2) No business. Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games? A: The 'wave'. For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat, drink a of sake, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat, drink a lot of Tequila, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.