<> It was the day after Thanksgiving. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store! HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> "Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make New York the capital of U.S.A." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want New York to be the capital of our country?" "Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> A tobacco company sent Dave several packages of cigarettes with the explanation: "We are sending you some of our finest cigarettes. We hope you enjoy them and will want more." After several months the tobacco company received this reply from Dave: "I got your cigarettes and soaked them in a quart of water which I sprayed on my bug-infested rosebushes. Every bug died! These cigarettes make best poison ever! Please send me some more next month in case any bugs survived." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?" "At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked. She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> After I broke my ankle in a fall in our garage, I had to wear a cast from the knee down. Normally my husband and I are cozy sleepers, but the cast posed a problem. Several sleepless nights later, my husband said to me in des- peration, "I don't mind sleeping with the star of the show, but I can't manage the whole cast." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you. You have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for X'mas. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams". HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> "When we got married we registered at Bloomingdale's because you can return everything for cash. And I figure each place setting can keep me in beer money for three months." --Gary Barkin HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> Quiz Time Q: What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ? A: The letter "D" ! Q: What is the thinnest book in the world? A: What men know about women! HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R) HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <> "If you can make a woman laugh, you're seeing the most beautiful thing on Earth." --MATRIX star Keanu Reeves