A woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car after a while there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my own" This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?" "Smell it ? Lady, I'm sitting in it". /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ Tombstone Epitaph Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont: I was somebody. Who, is no business of yours. /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ Tongue Twisters 1.If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".How do I understand that you understand? Understand! 2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish. 3.Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds. 4.A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea. 5.Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People 6.If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch? 7.I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much. 8.Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?" 9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside. 10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES 11.The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn. 12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors? "When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way" 13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not. 14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely. 15.A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue 16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues. 17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ One clear autumn day, my daughter and I were watching skywriters advertise the opening of a new store in our area. Five planes, flying in perfect formation, spelled out the name, then flew out of sight. Right behind was another plane, flying alone. "What's that plane doing?" my daughter asked. Tongue firmly in cheek, I replied, "Spell check." /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ Ice fishing Two experienced fishermen went ice fishing. They chopped holes in the ice about twenty-five feet apart, put worms on their hooks, dropped their lines in the water, and hardly got a nibble. This went on for several hours, but no luck. Mid afternoon, a schoolboy arrived. He walked confidently onto the ice, chopped his hole between those of the two men, and caught fish after fish. The men were amazed, and finally one approached the boy and asked, "Tell me, young man, what is your secret?" The boy replied, "Mmmm yymmm mmms wmmm." "What's that?" asked the man. "Say it again, please." The boy said, "Mmmm yymmm mmms wmmm." The man said, "I'm sorry, I just can't understand you. Would you speak a little more clearly?" At that, the boy cupped his palms, spit out a large amount of substance into them, and said clearly, "Keep your worms warm." /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Q: What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you? A: A pool table. Q. What do you call a painter without a significant other? A. Homeless. /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? D: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder. /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?" The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one. He was so excited immediately dropped dead of a heart attack." The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!" The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..." /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic asks, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting. The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time. The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused. The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?" The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room." /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ I was caring for a older woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ To: God, From: The Dog Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"? If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ /|\/|\/|\/|\/|\ [[Cousins of Murphy]] "Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about." -- Green's Law of Debate "The bigger they are, the harder they hit." -- Perkin's Prostulate "The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay." -- The Salary Axiom "The cream rises to the top. So does the scum." -- Wellington's Law of Command "There is no time like the present to procrastinate." -- Hecht's Law "Smile. Tomorrow will be worse." - Murphy's law