[Rated: G] Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed. "How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk. He told her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!) After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor. "Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, when she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, they still had not returned! Snow White was so distraught that she started to sob right there at the counter. The clerk, trying to console her, (and also to relax the other customers, who were already starting to shift uncomfortably, so they didn't bolt from the store) said kindly, "Don't worry, Dear...someday your prints will come." ########################################################## [Rated: PG] A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it." ########################################################## [Rated: G] A couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to The Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. However, the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives." A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island. Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the yeshiva yet?" "No, Morris," she responds. Morris smiles and then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy, no! I haven't sent the check," she says. Now Morris laughs out loud: "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month, " he asks? "Oy, Morris, I haven't sent that one, either." says Esther. Now, Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So, nu? What are you smiling and laughing about?" Morris answers confidently, "They'll find us." ########################################################## [Rated: G] A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!" ########################################################## [Rated: G] An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory." "Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall." ########################################################## [Rated: R] The wives of four presidents and the prime minister are talking together about what a male organ is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well, Hilary says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth. ########################################################## [Rated: G] A guy goes into a restaurant's lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a minute and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything." ########################################################## [Rated: G] Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked. She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without." ########################################################## [Rated: G] Office Posters If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! If at first you don't succeed -- try management. It's only unethical if you get caught. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never quit until you have another job. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore. If you are reading this, you're not working! ########################################################## [Rated: G] "My life is my message." -- Mahatma Gandhi ########################################################## [Rated: G] Dogs look up to you. Cats look down on you. Pigs treat you like equals." -- Winston Churchill ########################################################## [Rated: G] "How lucky for those in power that people don't think." -- Adolf Hitler ########################################################## [Rated: G] "I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war." -- George W. Bush ########################################################## [Rated: G] "Being a leader is like being a lady, if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't." -- Margaret Thatcher ########################################################## [Rated: G] "The theory of relativity worked out by Mr. Einstein, which is in the domain of natural science, I believe can also be applied to the political field. Both democracy and human rights are relative concepts - and not absolute and general." -- Jiang Zemin ########################################################## [Rated: G] Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." -- Ronald Reagan