"Pregnant Turkey" One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Contents: Salt Warning: High in Sodium Warning Label of salt container ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| "Voice" A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and you will get killed." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while, he was going to cross the road. Once again, the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did, as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man exclaimed, "And where the hell were you when I got married?" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| <> Dearest Ms. Juliet, I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 27th of July at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer. Thanking you in anticipation, Yours sincerely, ( HR Executive ) ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order. "Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!" "HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered. "We'll quit work at 4PM and not 5PM!" "HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared. "We don't have to be in until 11AM instead of 10AM!" "HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered. "And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!" Silence. A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Little Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me." ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Our daughter had been in first grade for only a week when my husband, seeking to encourage thoughtfulness in the child, asked her, "Why do you think you go to school?" "I don't know," she replied. "That was Mom's idea." ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| What doctor's say and what they're really thinking "This should be taken care of the problem right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. "Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you. "We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. "Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. "I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it. ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Samantha was an elementary-school teacher and produced the Christmas play one year. She told her students that if they forgot their lines they should ad-lib instead of just standing there. All went well until the three Wise Men made their entrance: "Baby Jesus, here is your gold," said the first. "Baby Jesus, here is your frankincense," offered the second. The third Wise Man forgot the name of his gift and froze. "Say anything," whispered Samantha from the wings. The boy peered into the manger and exclaimed, "Ooh, doesn't he look just like his dad!" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, "Where do babies come from?" Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, "From the stork of course!" The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, "But mom, who fxxxk the stork?" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| The Top 5 Other Possible Titles for the Next Harrison Ford Movie 5> Back to the Doctor 4> The Chili Strikes Back 3> Air Force What? Speak Up! 2> Pissin': Impossible 1> In Depends Day ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix. "See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together." "I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time." Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Farming A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing the field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor to plow with. The farmer tells him, "I don't need a tractor, I have three new ones at the barn" "Well, if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing this field with that bull?" asked the salesman The farmer replied, "This is part of the bull's continuing education, I am teaching him that there is more to farming than fxxking and tearing down fences." ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| DOE RE MI BEER by Homer J. Simpson. DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer... RAY..... the guy that sells me beer... ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer, FAR..... the distance to my beer SO...... I think I'll have a beer... LA...... La la la la la la beer TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer... That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) D'OH! ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| While out one evening, my mother noticed a young gentleman who resembled her old high-school sweetheart. She approached him to ask if he was her old boyfriend's son. Unfortunately, her phrasing left something to be desired. Excusing herself, she politely asked, "Do you know who your father is?" ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ((((((((((( Quotations )))))))))))))))))) "I have nothing to declare except my genius." -- Oscar Wilde "I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." -- Les Dawson. "The city of York already is a city, as is my own city of Hull is a city, and that I think is the definition of city and town." -- British deputy prime minister John Preescott "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - WC Fields. "You'd better learn secretarian work or else get married." -- Emmeline Snively, Director of the Blue Book Modeling agency, giving advice to Marilyn Monroe in 1944 "College is like dinner with my family. My mom asks if I want the rest of my college, and I'm like, "No, I've had enough college -- I don't want any more." And my dad's like, "You betta finish yer college." And I'm like, "Papi, I don't wanna finish my college." And my dad's all like, "You're gonna EAT this college!" And then my brother turns on the TV." -- Matt the Builder "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not Eureka! (I found it!) but rather, "hmm.... that's funny...." -- Isaac Asimov "If there's one thing that shouldn't be sold in family-size packs, it's condoms." -- Kim Moser "Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -- Terry Pratchett. "I wouldn't mind going to get some of that "instant gratification" -- but there better not be a long line." -- Walter Means