Happy Thanksgiving, Wish all of you who eat turkey have a delicious white meat dinner. For vegetarians, vegans, and non-turkey-meat-lovers, wish you have chance to travel to Turkey instead. ---------------------------------------------------------- Some of you have suggested that I specify level of appropriateness for every joke, so people will not misread (or misbehave). I do think it is a good idea, especially for some readers who were easily offended or some shared the jokes with their young friends or kids. A rating system clearly indicates which joke who can read and which who should not. Due to the technical complexity and human laziness of color coding in HTML, I decide to try the "Movie Rating System" widely recognized by American movie makers/goers. One side benefit is that you will be familiar with how movies are rated in US without visiting an American movie theatre. The use of signs in previous compilations will be suspended indefinitely. Sorry, Fran. The following is a brief Q&A section about the rating system. ---------------------------------------------------------- Q&A about Movie/Joke Rating System Q: When did the rating system get started? A: The Rating system went into effect on November 1, 1968. Q: What is the purpose of the rating system? A: The movie (joke) rating system is a voluntary system sponsored by the Motion Picture Association of America and the National Association of Theatre Owners (and Brian) to provide parents with advance information on films, enabling parents to make judgments on movies they want or do not want their children to see. Q: What do the ratings symbols mean? A: <> General Audience. All ages admitted. This signifies that the film (joke) rated contains nothing most parents will consider offensive for even their youngest children to see or hear. Nudity, sex scenes, and scenes of drug use are absent; violence is minimal; snippets of dialogue may go beyond polite conversation but do not go beyond common everyday expressions. <> Parental Guidance Suggested. Some material may not be suitable for children. This signifies that the film rated may contain some material parents might not like to expose to their young children - material that will clearly need to be examined or inquired about before children are allowed to attend the film. Explicit sex scenes and scenes of drug use are absent; nudity, if present, is seen only briefly, horror and violence do not exceed moderate levels. <> Parents Strongly Cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13. This signifies that the film rated may be inappropriate for pre-teens. Parents should be especially careful about letting their younger children attend. Rough or persistent violence is absent; sexually-oriented nudity is generally absent; some scenes of drug use may be seen; one use of the harsher sexually derived words may be heard. <> Restricted-Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian (age varies in some locations). This signifies that the rating board has concluded that the film rated contains some adult material. Parents are urged to learn more about the film before taking their children to see it. An R may be assigned due to, among other things, a film's use of language, theme, violence, sex or its portrayal of drug use. <> No One 17 and Under Admitted. This signifies that the rating board believes that most American parents would feel that the film (joke) is patently adult and that children age 17 and under should not be admitted to it. The film (humor) may contain explicit sex scenes, an accumulation of sexually-oriented language, or scenes of excessive violence. The NC-17 designation does not, however, signify that the rated film is obscene or pornographic. Q: Do the ratings indicate if a movie (joke) is good or bad? A: No; the system is not designed to serve the function of "critic." The ratings do not determine or reflect whether a film is "good" or "bad." The system is not intended to approve, disapprove or censor any film; it merely assigns a rating for guidance--leaving the decision-making responsibilities to the parents. Q: Is the rating system a law? A: No, the rating system is strictly voluntary and carries no force of law. < Adopted from Filmratings.com > ------------------------------------------------------------ <<>> The Thanksgiving party had turned into a marathon with numerous guests coming and going. At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily though no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement. He sat and drank there happily for about an hour before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway. My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved." ------------------------------------------------------------ <<>> Many people hold down two jobs, so I wasn't surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part-time at the race track. "That's interesting," I said. "What do you do?" As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses." [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] ------------------------------------------------------------ <<>> Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?" "Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so I ate that too." His lady friend was incensed and cried, "How could you be so shellfish!" ------------------------------------------------------------ <<>> How careers end... Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists' models are deposed. Cooks are deranged. Dressmakers are unbiased. Nudists are redressed. Office clerks are defiled. Mediums are dispirited. Accountants are discredited. Holy people are disgraced. Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are dissented. Butterfly collectors are debugged. Students are degraded. Electricians are refused. Bodybuilders are rebuffed. Underwear models are debriefed Painters are discolored. Spinsters are dismissed. Judges are disappointed. Vegas dealers are discarded. Tree surgeons disembark. Programmers are decoded. Mathematicians are discounted. ------------------------------------------------------------ <<>> One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children. She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation, that she might never be a mother. She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out -- purely altruistically of course. She shot me a death-ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination. "No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you." ------------------------------------------------------------ <<>> A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says, "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket." "Agreed!" answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a car!" "Sure. But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket. "Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy. "Okay, but this is your last chance. You fail to answer - you get the ticket." "Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a motorcycle!" "Sure, but what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?" "How the hell should I know?" answered the guy, exasperatedly. "Sorry, you're getting the ticket," responded the officer. "Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then." "Go ahead." "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy. "Oh, that's easy," replies the officer. "It's a hooker." "Sure, but, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?" ------------------------------------------------------------ <> The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long. ------------------------------------------------------------ <> IT'S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN. October 9, 1995 A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates. Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous. The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion . . ." ------------------------------------------------------------ <> Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is used to carry groceries. Q: What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry? A: Never lick the spoon. ------------------------------------------------------------ <> "If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers." --Doug Larson ------------------------------------------------------------ <> Sign seen in an animal shelter: "All children left unattended will be given a free kitten." ------------------------------------------------------------ <> Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!" ------------------------------------------------------------ <> The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. -- anonymous