Serious talk A man and his wife were sitting in the living room after Thanksgiving fiasco and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back. "What the heck are you?" asked the host. "I am a snail.", says the guy. "But, you have a girl on your back," replies the host. "Yeah," he says, 'that's Michelle." =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= Boss (too employee): Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing! Knock, knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore. =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= Abbreviated List of Acronyms & Text Messaging Shorthand Commonly seen wherever people get online--including instant messaging, cell phones, PDAs, Web sites, in newsgroup postings, and on blogs--these abbreviations are used by humans to communicate with each other. The actual definition of an acronym, and text messaging, is below. Click here to read to the definition. (Use Ctrl F to type in and "find" what you're looking for.) 14AA41: One for All and All for One 2B or not 2B: To Be Or Not To Be 2NITE: Tonight 411: it means info 4ever: Forever 86: Out Of or Over A/S/L: Age/Sex/Location AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse AAF: As A Friend AAMOF: As A Matter Of Fact AAMOI: As A Matter Of Interest AAR: At Any Rate AAR8: At Any Rate AAS: Alive And Smiling AATK: Always At The Keyboard AAYF: As Always, Your Friend AB: Ass Backwards ABITHIWTIDB: A bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush ABT2: About To ACD: Alt Control Delete ACE: Access Control Entry ACK: Acknowledgement ADAD: Another Day Another Dollar ADBB: All Done Bye Bye ADIH: Another Day In Hell ADIP: Another Day In Paradise ADR: Address AEAP: As Early As Possible AFAGAY: A Friend As Good As You AFAHMASP: A Fool And His Money Are Soon Parted AFAIC: As Far As I'm Concerned AFAICS: As Far As I Can See AFAICT: As far As I can Tell AFAIK: As Far As I Know AFAIU: As Far As I Understand AFAIUI: As Far As I Understand It AFAP: As Far As Possible AFAYC: As Far As You're Concerned AFC: Away From Computer AFDN: Any F***ing Day Now AFIAA: As Far As I Am Aware AFINIAFI: A Friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed AFK: Away From Keyboard AFZ: Acronym free zone AGKWE: And God Knows What Else AIAMU: And I'm A Monkey's Uncle AIH: As It Happens AIMB: As I Mentioned Before AIMP: Always In My Prayers AISE: As I Said Earlier AISI: As I See It AKA: or a.k.a. Also Known As ALAP: As Late As Possible ALOL: Actually Laughing Out Loud ALTG: Act Locally, Think Globally AMAP: As Many As Possible AMBW: All My Best Wishes AML: All My Love AND: Any day now ANFAWFOWS: And Now For A Word Word From Our Web Sponsor ANFSCD: And Now For Something Completely Different AOAS: All Of A Sudden AOB: Abuse Of Bandwidth AP: Apple Pie ASAFP: As Soon As "Friggin" Possible ASAP: As Soon As Possible ASL: Age/Sex/Location ASLMH: Age/Sex/Location/Music/Hobbies ATST: At The Same Time ATW: All the Web or Around the Web AWGTHTGTTA: Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again AWGTHTGTTSA: Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Sh** Again AWOL: Absent Without Leave AYK: As You Know AYSOS: Are You Stupid Or Something AYTMTB: And You're Telling Me This Because? ..................................... ..................................... ZZZ Sleeping, Bored, Tired There are more than 70 terms in 'A' section. It is almost like learning new language just to use those 'shorthands'. I gave up. ZZZ... =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= The other day at work I ran into my friend Tom. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce". I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together" "Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed. "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me" =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= An officer wishing to arrange his men in a solid square found by his first arrangement that he had 39 men left over. He then started increasing the number of men on a side by one, but found that 50 additional men would be needed to complete a new square. How many men did the officer have? [Scroll down for answer after you finished your calculation.] =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly. At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me." "Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!" =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= A red neck young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy." "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby has brown eyes." "Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Japanese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark." =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to a Thanksgiving church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC, this Christmas season. They have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable! =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color." There was a long silence. Then the boy asked, "Daddy, are you talking to me?" =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too." =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= Solution to Solid Square X^2 + 39 = (X+ 1)^2 - 50 X = 44 44^2 + 39 = 1975 The officer had 1975 men. When he formed a square measuring 44 by 44, he had 39 men over. When he tried to form a square 45 x 45, he was 50 men short. =0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0==0=0=0=0= Enemy Quotes "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." -- John F. Kennedy "A doubtful friend is worse than a certain enemy." -- Aesop "In order to rally people, governments need enemies. They want us to be afraid, to hate, so we will rally behind them. And if they do not have a real enemy, they will invent one in order to mobilize us." -- Thich Nhat Hanh "It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways." -- Buddha "If you want to treat China as an enemy, you have a much better chance of making them an enemy than if you treat them as a potential friend." -- Jim Sasser 'The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.' --Pablo Picasso "Fear is the only true enemy, born of ignorance and the parent of anger and hate." -- Edward Albert "One of the reasons al Qaeda has proved so deadly an enemy is that it understands and exploits Western sensibilities so well." -- Linda Chavez "The innocent and the beautiful have no enemy but time." -- William Butler Yeats "Love your enemy - it will drive him nuts." -- Eleanor Doan "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte "For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill." -- Sun Tzu "The only defense is offense." -- Stanley Baldwin