(((((Happy Thanksgiving Edition))))) The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies 15. To Kill A Walking Bird 14. My Best Friend's Dressing 13. Thighs Wide Shut 12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre 11. Casserolablanca 10. The Fabulous Baster Boys 9. 12 Hungry Men 8. Silence of the Yams 7. For Love of The Game Hen 6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter 5. All the President's Menu 4. White Meat Can't Jump 3. When Harry Met Salad 2. The Story of U.S. 1. The Wing and I ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? The sentence in the Thanksgiving edition of my church bulletin intended to say: 'Thank you, Lord, for the many miracles we are too blind to see.' But in what might have been a classic Freudian slip, the sentence read: 'Thank you, Lord, for the many miracles we are too blond to see.' ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community. In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities. Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?" She answered, "Dog toothpaste." Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?" Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?" ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? 10 Characteristics of The Company Car... **- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate. ** - Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car. ** - Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars. ** - The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked. ** - It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing. ** - It needs cleaning less often than private cars. ** - The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material. ** - Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio. ** - It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition. ** - It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home. The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox." As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color is your house?" The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check." ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? [Philosophical Takes] Why do they report power outages on TV? It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. Why is bra singular and panties plural? Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. Life is sexually transmitted. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. A closed mouth gathers no feet. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? A middle-aged woman seemed timid as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." said the woman. "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," said the woman, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "Mmmm, I see." said the, doctor. "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh." the doctor said as he got more and more interested in her story. "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There is nothing to be frightened about. You're simply going through the change." ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper." ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum. "Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh." ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? "What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared for traffic. "What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." --Jason Chase ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? "I'm very, very jealous. Sometimes I walk down the street and I see a beautiful woman and I think to myself: "I'll bet my boyfriend would like to sleep with her" and I get SO ANGRY. I run right home and smack him, and say, 'How much more of this do you think I can take?'" --Denise Munro ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man." --Jack Handey ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? "There are three things I never want to hear again on a first date, 'So...how much cash do you have on you?' 'Wow! You're a big girl!' and 'Wanna hold my gun? It's loaded.'" -Jennifer Fairbanks ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? "To achieve goals you've never achieved before, you need to start doing things you've never done before." -- Stephen Covey