{Rate: G} Something Sweet..... A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes: 1. Egypt's Great Pyramids 2. Taj Mahal 3. Grand Canyon 4. Panama Canal 5. Empire State Building 6. St. Peter's Basilica 7. China's Great Wall While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help." The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are: 1. to touch 2. to taste 3. to see 4. to hear She hesitated a little, and then added, 5. to feel 6. to laugh 7. and to love The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop. Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: G} Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: PG-13} If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make bloody marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now that's a message! There are two sides to every divorce: Yours, and shithead's. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. (A Salted) Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom? How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and 50 for Miss America? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: PG-13} One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: PG} What is a 'female'? The word comes from Latin femina (she who suckles). A 'lady' is, literally, a loaf kneader, from Old English hlaf (loaf) + dige (kneader). A 'lord', in turn, was a loaf guard. Well, we've come a long way from those olden times. Today a 'lady' may well be commanding a spacecraft instead of kneading a loaf of bread. A 'lord' may be pushing a baby-stroller instead of guarding the loaf. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: PG} The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success! Let's begin: Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich? A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month. Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich? A: No. This is the Internet. Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich? A: Yes. This is the Internet. Q: How do I proceed? A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started. Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it? A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype. Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good? A: Perfect. Q: What does MLM mean? A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains. Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week. A: Conservatively. Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers? A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group. Q: That sounds a little fishy. A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people sub- stantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good. Q: How else can I get new business? A: Spam. Spam. Spam. Q: I thought spam was bad. A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small. Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP? A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers. Q: What else can I do to promote my new business? A: Here's a list of suggestions: --Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. --Join every free banner exchange. --Get your own free-for-all links page. --Hire a bulk emailer. --Sponsor a golf tournament. Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong? A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings. Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings? A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings. Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings? A: Well, then maybe you can be the first. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: PG-13} I called my 7-year old son to dinner last night, telling him that it was almost ready. "Just a sec," he said. Five minutes passed. "Dinnertime," I told him. "Just a sec," he said. "No more," I told him. "I warned you a few minutes ago." Silence, as he continued working on whatever project he was working on. I reached over and took it away from him. "No more secs means NO MORE SECS." As I spoke the words, I realized I sounded just like my wife. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: G} A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however,they decided to open a fish-and-chips shop. The establishment soon became very popular,attracting people from all over. One city fellow, thinking himself clever,asked one of the brothers standing nearby : "I suppose you're the 'Fish Friar'?" "No", answered the brother levelly, "I'm the 'Chip Monk'". !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: PG} American Slang of the Week The ladies in my office try to teach me one American slang a day, so I will blend in with the 'locals'. These is the highlight. "my bad" (n.) 1. a phrase used to admit fault. 2. an apology. Ex:"Sorry, man, my bad." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Entertainer Quotes (from movie/TV stars and famous singers) {Rate: PG-13} "Nothing wrong with shooting as long as the right people get shot." --Clint Eastwood !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: G} "I look at him and he doesn't look anything like me and I think, Am I the mother?" --Madonna (1958-) on her son Rocco !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: R} "I didn't even know my bra size until I made a movie." --Angelina Jolie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: G} "My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't think about it, I just have it." --Arnold Schwarzenegger !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: G} "Wal-mart...do they like make walls there?" --Paris Hilton !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: PG} "A sex symbol becomes a thing. I hate being a thing" --Marilyn Monroe !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: PG} "I've been noticing gravity since I was very young." --Cameron Diaz !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: G} "I'm thinking about naming my first son Emmy so I can say I've got one." --Noah Wyle !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Rate: G} "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." --Bill Cosby