My Dear Friend, Next Thursday is America's Thanksgiving Holiday. Some people fancy juicy hot meat with Champagne, and deep department store discounts. I love most about the short 4 days off from work and Macy's parade with big fat balloons in the air. To be in the mood for thanks-giving, We should all contemplate for a few minutes to thank people who have helped us along our journeys of life. They gave us their time, effort, care, and money. Without them, we will not be here kicking, biting, and thriving. Please also pray for those who have sacrificed their lives fighting for freedom --- the troops in Iraq and the Butterball turkeys. Amen. =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] Things for Which to be Thankful on Thanksgiving Trains, cars, airplanes, horses and buggies that allow us to travel great distances to share Thanksgiving with our loved ones. The spouse who complains when dinner is not on time, because s/he is home with me, not with someone else. The teenager who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home & not on the streets. The mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends. The taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed. The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat. My shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine. A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home. All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech. The space I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking. My huge heating bill because it means I am warm. The lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse! The piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear. Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive. The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive. Getting too much email bogs me down but at least I know I have friends who are thinking of me. Author Unknown =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] A woman called a help number to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] Thanksgiving Short Jokes What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Turkey Riddle - Jokes for Thanksgiving Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Turkey Riddle Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's a turkey's favorite song? "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Turkey Riddle What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pilgrim Humor What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving? Because they couldn't get the moose in the oven! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving . . . you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Keep your eye off the turkey dressing It makes her blush!!!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream! =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: PG-13] I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen" PS: You may not know what a Butterball turkey is. How does it differ to, say a Turkey turkey. Butterball is a famous American brand of turkey. =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] Teacher: Do you believe in sharing, Alex? Alex: Yes, ma'am. Teacher: What's something you share with your brother? Alex: Our parents. =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE "GREATEST HITS" (or, "Memorable Moments in Talk-Line History;" or,"Out of the Mouths of....Turkey Trauma Victims") Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. It's hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (Will it cook faster if I drive faster?), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines! Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed! Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called "Turkey Central" for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole. Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed. Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the "Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips. Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, "On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can't." Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside." Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu. White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey. A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, "Medium." A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, "Yes," then offered complete roasting directions. =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes. One boy answered, "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it." The next little boy said, "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it." Then a third boy piped up, "In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams,'OH MY GOD!!!'" =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: PG] Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving but Aren't.... "Whew...that's one terrific spread!" "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!" "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist." "Talk about a huge breast!" "And he forces his way into the end zone!" "It's cool whip time!" "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!" "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!" "Don't play with your meat." "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" "Just lay back and take it easy ... I'll do the rest." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. He told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the second part first." The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation... "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??" =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] US Statistics 60% of all the wine purchased in the U.S. is bought by women. 86% of all the wine purchased in the U.S. is purchased by 10% of the population. 62% the egg rolls sold in the US are made in Houston, Texas. =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: PG-13] Official Announcement The whitehouse today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects it's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that! =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] During a dinner party, the hosts' two small children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left. During a moment of silence at the table, one of the children was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!" =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!" As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work... The next morning I found the same note. The word "STAMPS!" was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!" =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] A young preacher was serving as a volunteer chaplain at a large nursing home. He had never performed a wedding and thought he should ask an older preacher what to do in case he forgot during the wedding ceremony. He was advised, "Just start quoting Scripture until something comes to you." Soon the young preacher was called to perform the wedding ceremony for a widow and widower in the nursing home. Right about the middle of the ceremony, he forgot what to say next. Remembering the advice of the older preacher, he started quoting Scripture. However, the only Scripture he could remember was, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a prospective juror some questions. "Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?" "None whatsoever," Ferguson answered. "Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked. "Certainly not in this case." =+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+==+=+= [Rated: G] A funny Thanksgiving ePostcard. www. msn. americangreetings. com/view.pd?i=382219626&m=1652&rr=y&sou