Enjoying her vacation in Hawaii, Lisa called a cafe to make reservations for 7 P.M. Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?" "That's fine," Lisa said. "Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Q: What's yellow and looks like a bucket??? A: a yellow bucket Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common? A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic. Q: What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? A: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes: Whack! Dang! A bad skydiver goes: Dang! Whack! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ On a park bench in Miami: They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,...."Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...What is your name ? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend glares at her at first. Then, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally says, "How soon do you have to know?" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen. Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs. She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps. She realized at once that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen. So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made it just in time. The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter. For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, "Sorry, I was expecting the milkman." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ My longtime boarder was moving out, and I needed an advertisement posted at the local college. A friend agreed to make one up on her computer and put it on the school's bulletin board. I went out of town for a couple of days, and when I got back, I found a number of strange messages on my answering machine. Deciding I had better check out my ad, I went over to the college. And there it was: "Room and Broad, $400 a month." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell "straight." The boy did so correctly. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?" "Without water." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ IF MEN DRINK... Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid. Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor / student and wants to get laid. Castle Lager Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid. Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another. Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid. Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid. Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid. Whisky: He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid. Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid. Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid. Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc: He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ At the chemical plant where I was a foreman, a knotty problem developed. No one there had encountered it before. By the end of the day one worker suggested, "Johnson is the oldest operator in this unit. He must have run into this problem in the past. Why don't we ask him what to do when he comes in on the evening shift?" As soon as Johnson arrived, I described the predicament. Asked if he had ever encountered a similar situation, Johnson answered, "Yep." "Well," I said, "what did you do?" "Left it for the next shift," the old-timer replied. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ My Dad has a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit... When she tries it on, he says, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars." - Jay Leno $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "You may have noticed I have a few flaws, too. People sometimes have to correct my English. I knew I had a problem when Arnold Schwarzenegger started doing it." --George Bush during his Republican Conventtion speech $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elaine Boosler $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong." -- Leo Buscaglia $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "Arafat's death is expected. Earlier this week, his doctor said that his liver, his lung, and his heart are working well, not mentioning his brain." -- an anonymous news agent $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." -- Pablo Picasso. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." - Oscar Levant