Dear Friend, If you have missed past compilations of jokes, you can download them from: www.geocities.com/radiate2357/jokes/index.htm The page has every mailing from 2003 and on. Enjoy. B [[ Warning: This page will contain offensive and vulgar language. If you are not over 18 or open minded, stop reading! Turn on your TV and watch soap opera instead. Look for the next week's issue - the Thanksgiving Special. It will be clean and spiritual if you consider killing a few turkeys a holiday spirit and normal human behaviour. ]] XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX In the ER A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX Daryl (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies): "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?" Friend: "But your kid didn't smile." Daryl: "I was talking about the nurse." XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX A little girl runs out to the back-yard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams ... Then he thinks, "Argh, what the hell", and he goes on to tell her the works. He describes masturbation, anal and oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and discipline, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality, bestiality, and sex toys. The girl is somewhat awe-struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and stares open-mouthed at her father without a word. Finally he asks: "So, why did you want to know about sex?" "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs." XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX [[[HONK!!!]] Honk and wave, I'm feeling ignored. Honk for Jesus. Honk and I thank you for waking me up. Honk to release me from a spell. Honk if you’d like to see my finger. Honk if you see aliens coming our way. Honk if you’ve had sex with or got pardoned by Bill Clinton. Honk if you care. Honk if you want to donate money to my wallet. Honk if you think Michael Jackson should be jailed. Honk if you don't give a damn. Honk if you love me. Honk if you are constipated. Good to let it out, dosen't it? Honk if you love peace and quiet. Honk if you're horny. Honk if you're illiterate. Honk if you're just a honker. Honk if you're gorgeous, I'll follow the sound. Honk if you are ugly and over weight. Honk if you're happy and you know it. Honk if you think honking should be outlawed. Honk if you hate noise pollution. Honk if parts fall off! XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX SAGA OF THE ASS A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:"Pastor's Ass Shows." The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won! The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front." The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass." The bishop was fit to be tied. He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. So the pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town." The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00." After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free." XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX After three years of marriage, John's wife was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "Just how many women *have* you slept with?" "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit." John's wife promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen....." XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX [[Cheesy Pick-up Lines]] Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you? Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda? That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue. The first time is always the hardest. Want to play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons. Your mom must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns. You don't want to dance? I guess a screw is out of the question. You know what would look good on you? Me. I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the bomb. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy. You must be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that. You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt? XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?" XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX A WOMAN'S PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX [[ Dirty Q & A]] Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68. When you get to 69, you have to turn around. Q: Did you hear the latest theory about Monica Lewinsky? A: It may never be proven but they think she may be the youngest woman to have ever held the Presidency. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on. Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX Abie approached his boss very timidly, "Mr Shlepper, can I have tomorrow off. It's my golden anniversary." "By God!" snarled Shlepper, "will I have to put up with this chutzpah every fifty years?" XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX 10 REASONS WHY GAY MARRIAGE IS WRONG IN AMERICA 1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. 2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall. 3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. 4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal. 5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children. 7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. 8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. 9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. 10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to hybrid cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX Q. What's an Australian kiss? A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under! XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. ~~Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX XES SEX [[[ Quotes in Sexual Contents ]]] Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. ~~Author Unknown Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~~Bob Rubin Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped. ~~Author Unknown The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. ~~Margaret Smith Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. ~~Swami X It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance. ~~Elizabeth Taylor A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~~Author Unknown Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~~Marlene Dietrich When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~~Author Unknown No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~~Abraham Lincoln Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~~Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935 Sex is emotion in motion. ~~Mae West Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around. ~~David Lodge, The British Museum Is Falling Down, 1965 An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex. ~~Aldous Huxley Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics. ~~Author Unknown Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. ~~John Barrymore Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume? ~~Richard Fleischer When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~~Frederike Ryder Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken. ~~Author Unknown I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~~Jay McInerney The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. ~~Gloria Leonard Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. ~~S.J. Perelman Never let the little head do the thinking for the big head. ~~Author unknown, advice to teenage boys, quoted in Friendly Advice compiled by Jon Winokur It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover. ~~Marge Piercy