A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. =================================================================== A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an All-American elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language." One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?" "That," the man answered, "is when we use your language." =================================================================== Several women from church were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who had been ill for a very long time. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers." "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying." =================================================================== Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. –Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks a are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: · the driveway is flooded · the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, · there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, · there is still only one check in my check book, · I can't find the remote, · I can't find my glasses · and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! [Thanks to Julia] =================================================================== Darth Vader: "Luke Skywalker, I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke: "How do you know?" Darth Vader: "I felt your presents." =================================================================== A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu... Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $500.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the womanizing author?" The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?" =================================================================== A restauranteer gets married. His wife is a virgin. Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring" he says, "I know this is your first time and you are very frighten. I pomise you, I give you anything you want, I do anything juss anything you want. What do you want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want try somesing I hear about... Number 69". More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks..."You want... beef with broccoli?!" =================================================================== Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Actual Answer given on California Dept. of Transportation driving test =================================================================== Deer sur, If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker. This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. I tolded , I has head ache problem due to migration. Still theclerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun. I putted a complain on station masterji. He said I to go to the lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun. Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun. Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life. I hope u will look into explain my hole story after, and late me joint first. I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement. May God blast you! Yours awfully, RAMKHILAWAN YADAV =================================================================== Kara announced to her family, "Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an old-fashioned breakfast with eggs, ham, biscuits and grits." Five-year-old Jessica groaned, "But Mommy, you know I don't like eggs." Kara then reminded Jessica of all the food the little girl liked that contained eggs. The next morning, when Jessica walked into the kitchen, Kara said, "Since you are here first, you can decide for the family. How do you want me to cook the eggs? Jessica answered, "In chocolate cake, please." =================================================================== Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" =================================================================== The Top 5 Other Ways to Be an American Patriot on Election Day 5> The all-american lunch: white Russians, blue Curacao and Johnny Walker red. 4> On Tuesday, the dog poops on nothing but USA Today! 3> Order freedom toast for breakfast, enjoy freedom fries with your dinner and for dessert, buy a freedom tickler to go with your wife's freedom maid outfit. 2> Begin plotting the violent overthrow of the United States of Diebold. 1> Buy only genuine U.S. politicians. =================================================================== "True" Friendship, None of that Sissy Crap. Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard, or bitch, who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be... until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend". Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4. Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only You can feel the true warmth. And always remember....when life hands You Lemons, ask for tequila and salt! =================================================================== One day Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps fall on him from a great height and crush him to the ground. "Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath, "It's Buffet, the Vampire Slayer!" =================================================================== A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the back yard. They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decide to take off their wet clothes. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants." =================================================================== Unanswered Questions Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Do you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? =================================================================== At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20. Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one." =================================================================== A young man, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The young man walked up to the Chinese man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?" The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers." =================================================================== Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling. She said to her mother, "I'm not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex." Her mother shrugged and said, "Don't listen to that fancy talk. I've watched Marvin and I tell you he is all right. Just look how much he loves his mother." =================================================================== [[[ Quotations ]]] "My very first day on the job, the boss asked me to make a fresh pot of coffee. Of course, I walked right out the door. He and those other sexist pigs at Starbucks can kiss my ass!" -- Phyllis Hilliard "Better slip with foot than with tongue." -- Benjamin Franklin "Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them." -- Anonymous "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder of the power of cheese." -- Jeffrey Anbinder "I think Gandhi and I probably have a lot in common. After all, we both spent time in prison." -- Tom Sims "It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things." -- Leonardo da Vinci