I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thghout slpeling was ipmorantt. (PS This section messed up my spelling check really bad.) ********************************************************** ----------------- My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. And then he voted. ----------------- While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." And then she voted. ----------------- I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an InDUHvidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Pacific.." And then he voted. ----------------- So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." And then she voted. ----------------- My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. And then she voted. ----------------- I was hanging out with a real liberal friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. And then she voted. ----------------- I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" And then she voted. ********************************************************** How to avoid the flu in lieu of the vaccine shortage: Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least one hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. OR.... You can take the medical approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So...... I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get tipsy, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). ********************************************************** Desperate for a unique Halloween costume for a party, my friend, Jessica had an inspired idea. She put on a slinky dress and fishnet stockings, and then balanced a small table-top on her head. Affixed to it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She went as a 'one night stand'......and won first prize! ********************************************************** The pastor of a local church was wearing his clerical collar while visiting his wife who was in the hospital for minor surgery. He stopped in to see her and chatted with her for quite some time. Before leaving, he leaned down and gave his wife a great passionate kiss and left the room. The woman in the next bed over stared in disbelief. After the pastor left, the stunned woman spoke to her roommate, "You know, I've been a faithful member of my church all my life, but my pastor has never even come close to treating me as well as yours does!" ********************************************************** I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform. "I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked. The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed." ********************************************************** My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. "From a menu," she admitted. "Do you know what they say?" "I'm afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway." " 'Cheap, but good.' " ********************************************************** Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock! Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh my God!," exclaimed Harry, "what should we do?" "I'm not sure." said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty." ********************************************************** "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women." --A law standing in Texas until 1918 regulaating who could not vote. ********************************************************** "She just goes a little mad sometimes, We all go a little mad sometimes...(smiles)....Don't you?" --Norman Bates from the movie "Psycho" ********************************************************** I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation-- but I'm not very good at it. --Arnold Brown ********************************************************** "When I was growing up, there were two things that were unpopular in my house." -- One was me, and the other was my guitar. - Bruce Springsteen ********************************************************** "Statistics are the triumph of the quantitative method, and the quantitative method is the victory of sterility and death." -- Hillaire Belloc, The Silence of the Sea ********************************************************** "Getting an idea should be like sitting down on a pin. It should make you jump up and do something." -- E.L. Simpson