[[Rated: G]]

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. 
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. 
A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his 
position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect 
him to be our best man next year." 

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard 
of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!" 

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[[Rated: G]]

Just in time for Thanksgiving......Happy baking!!

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing- imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect
for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is
thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. baking chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.) 1 cup uncooked popcorn
(ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt,
and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with
the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies
across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook.


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[[Rated: G]]
Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as 
always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as 
the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and 
pulled him aside.

The preacher said to him, 
"You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, 
"I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."

The preacher questioned, 
"How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, 
"I'm in the secret service."


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[[Rated: PG]]

Salmon
A Jewish gentleman stood in front of the delicatessen display 
counter and pointed to a tray.

"I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.

"That's not salmon," the clerk said, 
"it's ham."

"Mister," the customer snapped, 
"in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"


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[[Rated: G]]

The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. 
She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The 
celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.

Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.

Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were 
horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words for herself. . . 

Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him!)


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[[Rated: G]]


Something that nothing is
I am something that nothing is, but yet I have a name.
I am sometimes tall and sometimes short.
I join your talks; I join your sport,
And I play in every game.
What am I?

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[[Rated: G]]


You may be a nurse if... 

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at 
another table throw up.

You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did 
before you started nursing.

Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of 
them on you.

You can intubate your friends at parties.

You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own.

You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to 
convince the doctor is more difficult"

You've basted your thanksgiving turkey with a toomey syringe.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly 
normal.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's water tank.

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[[Rated: G]]

One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager 
to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of 
the roads impassable. 

Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the Hoh Rain Forest road when we saw a sign:
"Ice 10 miles."

Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles."

The next one was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.

Then we came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery, and it read: "Ice 1 dollar."

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[[Rated: R]]

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous detective 
to investigate. A few days later he received this letter.

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house,
He come to house.
He and she leave house,
I follow.
He and she go to hotel,
I climb tree to see.
He kiss she,
she kiss he.
He strip she,
she strip he.
I play with me,
I fall out of tree,
I not see.

No fee,

John Lee

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[[Rated: G]]

If you can...

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, 
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, 
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, 
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, 
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment 
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, 
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, 
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, 
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

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[[Rated: G]]


So the doctor tells the patient he's got only six months to live. But the patient doesn't 
pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives him another six months. 

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[[Rated: PG]]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical 
students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing 
while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably drinking beer at the bar with his  friends"

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[[Rated: G]]

"Dad, what's ethics?"

"Well, son, you know how your uncle and I are in business 
together? Suppose a customer comes in and buys something worth 
$10 but gives me a $20 bill by mistake and doesn't ask for 
change. If I split the extra $10 with your uncle, that's 
ethics."

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[[Rated: PG]]

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore. . .
 
Marriage is not a word; it's a sentence.
 
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
 
I used to live alone, then I got a divorce.
 
No money in this vehicle?Driver is married.
 
My wife said I never listen to her... at least that's what I think she said.
 
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
 
Not tonight dear, I have a modem!
 
I'm all for tying the marriage knot. As long as it's around the woman's neck.   -W. C. Fields
 
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
 
Here's to our wives and girlfriends. May they never meet.
 
Love is blind but marriage is a real eye opener.
 
I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.
 
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
 
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffer?Ring.
 
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[[Rated: G]]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: 
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

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[[Rated: G]]

Answer: Shadow.


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[[Rated: G]]

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